Radiation? Been there, done that...

Now where are my superpowers? Damn, I forgot to bring a spider or something to bite me. Maybe I'll still mutate. I'll settle for Not As Sick Anymore Man. Hell, I'll take Not Any Worse Off Man. I'll even be a sidekick as long as there's no net negative effect.

Everything went fine. I rode to IU with my parents and stayed with them for a bit, then took the People Mover over to Methodist for my thing. I had to wait a little bit because one of my doctors was running late. It wasn't a big deal, I just dozed off in the waiting room. My neurosurgeon basically said the plan was good and asked if I had any questions. I was comfortable with the radiosurgery stuff, but my jaw is bugging me and asked him to take a look. He didn't see anything obvious and recommended I see a dentist. The radiation doc came in shortly after, went over the procedure, and was there to answer any questions. I still didn't have any. I then went back to the room with the machine, lay down, and got my head fastened into the mask. They did a couple quick X-rays, then started the radiation. There were 4 bursts, arcs as they're called from the Novalis machine, each lasting a couple minutes. I couldn't really see much through the mask, and just kept my eyes closed anyway. I didn't really feel anything, other than the table moving. I saw a few flashes of light during one arc, probably as some of the radiation beam got close to my retina. I smelled a hint of bleach a bit, too (still do off and on a little). It took maybe 15 minutes on the table.

Afterward, they went over potential side effects (sore throat, headache, fatigue, etc.), all minor, but said to let them know if anything was unbearable or lasted longer than a couple days. I had the radiation doc look at my jaw and he also referred me to a dentist. I was good to go, just tired from not sleeping much and from taking a valium earlier in the morning to help with my nerves and wooziness. One of the technicians gave me a I for completing the procedure, which was nice. I'll follow up in 3 months with an MRI and see how things are progressing.


I matriculated back to IU via the People Mover to be with Mom. She'd be in recovery for about an hour and was sleeping. Her thing went well. They ended up taking out the 2 stents that were there and put in 3 new ones. She won't have to go back until March to get those out. Hopefully they'll stretch out her bile ducts enough, but, if not, they'll do it again with either more stents or bigger ones. We then just waited for her to wake up and see how she did with some stuff to drink. Once she was relatively alert, she was discharged and we went home. She's doing well, just a bit icky and tired, which is to be expected.

I'd planned on sleeping after eating something, but got to messing around online. I caught up on my usual sites, then tried to find cheap/free dental care. I'm still looking into it, but if anyone has any suggestions, let me know. I have no dental coverage at present, and no money, really, either, but I have to figure something out. I'm due for a visit to the dentist, anyway (it's been awhile because of the money/insurance stuff), but my jaw is killing me. It's not as bad now, but I think I'm just getting used to the pain. My teeth all seem fine to me, and none of them hurt or anything, but my jaw feels misaligned and it's a bitch to chew. I can't think of anything I did, other than sleeping with my mouth open because of my bad sinuses and maybe rolling over on it wrong or something. Hopefully I can find a way to see a dentist and at least get a check up.


Now is the hard part, just waiting. The procedure was a bit anticlimactic, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I was expecting a little more fanfare, I guess. Again, I'm happy to have done something, but I hate just sitting around and not doing anything else. I understand that's how this works, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. At least it should be a relatively busy 3 months with the holidays and everything.
 
Thanks to everyone for the well wishes and support! It means a lot!
-B

Radiosurgery...

I know it's been awhile since I've posted. It's just been a mix of being tired and woozy and stressed and letting that get me out of the habit of writing. The idea is to start posting daily, or at least regularly, again. There's a lot to talk about, and much to catch up on, but I'll focus on radiation stuff this time.

So I go in on Wednesday, November 10th, for radiosurgery (targeted, radiation--think short term lasers instead of extended periods flashlights) at Methodist Hospital. They'll be using a Novalis machine. I did my scans and had my mask made a couple weeks ago. The doctors will basically program the machine to target the tumor based on the scans. The mask helps keep me still and lets the machine know where I am. It will be a stereotactic procedure, meaning it's just one dose. There was talk of maybe fractionating the dosage (breaking it up), but they're confident that a single dose will work best. I'll be awake, and the procedure only takes about 20 minutes. The prep work and going over everything beforehand will take longer.

For awhile, I thought I'd have to travel to get radiation treatment. The plan from Phoenix was to use a Cyberknife machine, but it would have to be the latest model. There's an older version here at IU, but it's range isn't enough to get both my head and neck like the newer one could do. I was under the impression that the new Cyberknife machine was the only (or at least the best) tool to treat my tumor. It turns out that Novalis and Cyberknife are just brands, but they do the same basic things, just in slightly different ways. I was worried for awhile that I may have to settle on lesser equipment because of geography/insurance/money issues, but that's not the case. I'm not sure why I was confused about things before. I guess I misunderstood some of what I was told, plus I didn't ask the right questions. I'm content with this part of the situation now.


I'll probably be a bit tired, maybe a little queasy, and have a sore throat right after the procedure. That should only last a few days if I feel it at all. I'm not too worried about it. I'm not doing a whole lot as it is, anyway. Longer term side effects would all stem from tissue damage, pretty much, mainly the nerves near the tumor.


I'm still not big on doing radiation. It does seem to be the consensus next step, though. And after discussing it with my doctors, I'm not as worried about the risks as I was before. But there are risks. I'm mainly worried that healthy tissue will be adversely affected. The point of radiosurgery is to minimize those risks, beaming the radiation from multiple angles so that no single point is overly exposed. But not only is there that healthy tissue surrounding the tumor, the tumor is growing from and right next to some important nerves and blood vessels. I'm mainly worried that the radiation will damage those. I'm not terribly concerned about any future cancers from the radiation. It won't metastasize the benign tumors I already have, but there's a slight chance it could cause something else down the road. Being a relatively new technology that's used on very sick people, there's not a lot of long term data available. We'll see, I guess.

I am happy to finally be doing something proactive. I'd rather try something that doesn't work than just sit here and waste away, doing nothing. Aside from the potential to damage healthy tissue, I'm mainly worried that it won't do much of anything. Ideally, it will shrink the tumor significantly to where it's not an active problem. It may have already caused permanent damage to the nerves, so I may get no relief from the wooziness, but we won't know until the tumor's gone or much smaller. That is an unlikely result, but possible. At the very least, we're hoping that radiation stops further growth. Moderate shrinkage would be a realistic goal. There's also the possibility that the tumor's consistency will change, hardening it up and making it less gooey, which would make cutting it out easier if that's what we decide to do later. More surgery is an option depending on how I take to the radiation. The worst part about radiation is that it takes awhile to work. It could be years for the full effect to be seen, and probably months before anything is noticeable.

I've been more anxious and nervous about getting this done that I would have expected. While always mindful of the risks of any procedure, and hopeful that those risks are minimized as best as can be done, I'm usually pretty even keeled about medical treatment. The procedures are supposed to be solutions to problems, and I like solving problems. I was excited for surgery last year. I don't know...I think that just the general factor of the unknown and unknowable with this is what makes me nervous. Surgery is more straightforward: cut out the bad stuff and try to leave the good stuff alone. If you nick something, you know you nicked it and then you deal with that. With radiation, you zap the bad stuff, hoping the good stuff doesn't get too damaged in the process, then you wait to see what happens. I don't like to wait.

Mom is having some stuff done the same day. They put in some stents to help make a better connection between her new liver and her bile ducts a couple months ago, and now they'll go in to take those out. I'm more worried about her than I am me. I just have to lie still for a little bit. They have to navigate inside of her body to tweak some stuff that's already sensitive. She has to be at the hospital at 6AM for an 8AM procedure. I'll go with her and my step-dad when they leave, hang out with them for a bit, then take the People Mover over to Methodist for my stuff, which starts at 8:30AM. I'll talk with the doctors ahead of time, get everything situated, then lie there and let the machine go to work. Once I'm done, I'll get a hold of my step-dad and he'll pick me up when he has a chance once mom's done. If I'm feeling OK, I'll just take the People Mover back from Methodist to IU.

Thanks for your support! I'll let you know how it all went once I'm feeling up to writing. I'm sorry I've not done a better job of keeping you all up to date. It just gets hard when I feel extra crappy, plus being busy setting everything up, dealing with SSI ridiculousness and occasionally having something to do. I promise I'll try to do better. Thanks again for sticking with me. It helps more than you know.

-B

*Sigh*...

I've been down the last while. I've not felt great, which is a big factor. There's a bit of a letdown after a good stretch of fun stuff (UFC in town, going out with friends, making it back up to ND, etc.), then getting back to just sitting here. I have a weird, nervous vibe about this radiosurgery treatment...happy to do something, unsure if it'll work, worried it'll do more harm than good, sad that I need it at all. Mom's starting her stupid shit again. I'm not surprised, it's past due. And, of course, she has to fuck with me right as I'm in this weird place with the radiation stuff. I'm just tired of everything...being sick, not able to do much, being broke, being stuck here, actually being tired...just everything.

There's very little that I like about my life. The couple things that I do like get all muddled in with everything else because I'm sick, so I can't enjoy them for long, if at all. I have a good time at the UFC press conference, then I almost pass out and need help getting back into a chair and then out of the building. I enjoy some food and almost choke on it. I have a great time going back to Notre Dame, then can't do much of anything for the next week and a half (so far). My little ones come over, but I have to go back to bed because I don't feel good. And on and on...

And now my Internet connection is in jeopardy again. If it were just a matter of money, then I'd understand. I don't expect my mom to pay for it, and I'm appreciative that she's taken care of it the last while. A little notice that it might be getting shut off would be nice, and more than just the day before. But that's a bit moot, because she might kill it out of spite. She's pissed at me for no good reason because she won't listen to me. So I don't know what's going on there. The kicker is that if she doesn't want me to have Internet service, then I can't have it, whether I come up with the money or not. You can only have one cable account per household, and it's in her name. I don't know what I'll do if I can't get online. My already pathetic social life will dry up almost completely. It'll take me just a couple days to run out of stuff to do. I don't know...I might just stay in bed 20 hours a day. That's about how I feel most of the time, anyway.

I hate having so little control over my life. I can't do this because I'm too woozy. I can't do that because I can't see. This costs money I don't have. That's too far away and I can't get a ride. And if it's not the wooziness or my eyes, then it's my sinuses or my lungs or headaches or a queasy stomach. I'm sick of feeling like shit all the time.

Why do I have to fight for everything??? I don't mind working for stuff, but why must I have to fight? I have to fight to stay conscious, to stay upright. I have to fight with mom over stupid shit because she's ridiculous. I have to fight with my computer because it messes up for no reason. I have to fight with myself not to cry. I have to fight with myself to cry. I have to fight to remember to do stuff. I have to fight to get SSI. I have to fight to get out of bed. I have to fight to get to sleep. I have to fight to stay focused. I'm tired of fighting, I just want to live.

If there are such things as karma and reincarnation, either I must have been a real bastard in a previous life, or I'm due for some good times. Hopefully it's the latter, and I'm ready now.

Sigh...
-B

P.S.
I'll get to the stuff I've been promising when I can. Please continue to be patient. Thanks :)

Grrrrr....

I haven't felt up to writing much today, either. I was planning on going to the Pacers Fan Jam thing, but that didn't work out. It was a rather crappy day as far as being tired and woozy and just sick. I was up for a couple hours this afternoon, then napped until after 9PM. I've been up since, but mainly because I don't want to be in bed. It's just one of those days.

I do that radiation prep work in a few hours. I'm hoping to be able to shower beforehand. I may lie down for a little bit, too, but we'll see. I might just try to stay up so I can fall asleep during the scans. I'm not sure, but I could find out the exact timetable and plan for the actual treatment, too. They should know soon, anyway, and I'll be sure to relay the info.

I've got mixed feelings about it all. I'm happy to finally be doing something, especially after basically wasting a year dealing with the fuckers in Phoenix (administrative bitches...the actual medical staff was fine). I'm still not big on doing radiation, though, but that's the consensus for what to do next. My biggest issue is just the unknown. Will it work? Will it help? Will it make things worse? How long will results take? Will I feel any better? What if the damage already done is permanent? Will I really have to deal with this shit the rest of my life? I'd have those same questions regardless of the treatment, but this one just takes longer to answer them. I do like being proactive and attacking it, though.

We'll see how I feel once I'm home and all that, and I'll try to give more details about everything, plus talk about the other stuff that I've yet to be able to get to. Hopefully I'll feel better and will be in a bit of a better mood. I'm just sick of being sick and not being able to do even simple things that I want to do. Thanks for sticking with me and I'll do my best to keep you apprised of what's going on.

-B

Hopefully later today...

I still have lots to update you on, but I still don't feel up to writing about it all right now. It's been more of a tired thing than a woozy thing lately. Blah...

The biggest news, and I really, really hope to get into it in more depth in a few hours after resting, is that I'll have radiosurgery (focused radiation over a few treatments--perhaps just one--instead of blanket radiation over a longer period of time) VERY soon. I go Monday to get a scan or two done, plus I'll have a mask fitted. Those will help to tell the machine where to zap me. I'm not sure how long after that's done that I'll actually go in for treatment, but it will be within the next couple weeks, and possibly later this week. I'm excited to get that going, but still a little worried that it won't work or that it might damage healthy tissue, but there's a risk with anything we'd try to get this damn thing smaller (and eventually completely out, hopefully). It's the best course of action at this stage, and something's gotta be done. We'll see... The plan is to give more details next time, but I wanted to at least mention it now in case I can't expand on everything before I go in Monday.

There's other stuff, too, that I want to talk about, like meeting a college friend for dinner and the UFC that just happened, so that's in the works, too.

And I'm crashing pretty good now, so I'm off to bed here after I wash up and brush my teeth. I know I've not been posting as much lately, but thanks for sticking with me and for reading. I'll get back on track here once I feel a little better.

-B

Well...

I didn't feel so great today, so I didn't get to writing like I wanted to. C'est la vie, I guess.

Here's what you should look forward to:
Tuesday: Good news about radiosurgery (happening soon!)
Wednesday: A nice evening out with an ND friend who was in town
Thursday: Therapy session went OK and then family was over
Ongoing: Food stamp renewal ridiculousness and SSI stuff

UFC 121 is Saturday night. I'll be downtown, probably at Buffalo Wild Wings on Washington St. Let me know if you want to come hang out!

Go Irish! Beat Navy!
-B

I'll be back...

I know I've not been terribly active the last while with posting. I've just been a bit extra busy, and then when I've gotten time to write, I've been soooo tired. Of course, more than a couple times I planned on just napping for a bit before getting up to post something, but those all turned into 8 hour or so naps. I have lots of news and good stuff to report, and I'm hoping to maybe get something up tonight ("Why doesn't he do it right now since he's typing this?"), but we'll see. The answer to my parenthetical question is that there's a lot to get to and I'm just not up to doing it all right now. Plus my eyes hurt. And I'm cooking something to eat. I'll get to it, don't worry :).

In the meantime, if there's ONE (or more, really, but especially the ONE) thing that you want me to write about or that you want me to change/add on here, what is it?

I'm around and I'll get you all updated soon...
-B ;)

A Fabulous weekend...GO IRISH!...

I had an amazing weekend! It was a great time, and something that I really needed. I felt pretty good, for the most part, surely in large part from the rush of being back on campus with good company Saturday and from seeing some of my little ones on Sunday. Thanks so much to Mrs. ETHM and her dad for the great conversation and for their generosity for bringing me!

I got picked up and went to my friends' house on Friday night to make it easier to leave in the morning for ND. It was also nice to hang out, too. The pizza was good, as was the company. Despite the strong indifference by us guys, we were overruled and watched The Runaways after eating. It was alright. I wasn't super familiar with the story of the band and didn't realize that they were all so young. It was a crazy time. We all went to bed after the movie.

I slept well and was surprisingly refreshed to be up before 7AM, a time that I'm usually just lying down. Just over 4 hours of sleep did the trick, which isn't usually the case anymore. Being excited to get back to Notre Dame after so long surely helped give me some extra pep. It only took a few minutes to get ready and we headed out.

It was a nice, easy drive with very little traffic. Even when we got into South Bend, it wasn't too bad. We had a nice conversation, my friend, her dad, and I, on the way up. It was mostly political in subject matter, which isn't something I usually enjoy, but I liked it. Our views are similar on most of what was discussed, so there wasn't any arguing, really, but even when we disagreed, it was very pleasant and respectful. Especially at home, this isn't something I'm used to. It felt good to have a cordial, intelligent, and engaging conversation about potentially touchy topics. It was nice to mix in some ND talk from an older alum, too. It's hard to have an appreciation for how special a place Notre Dame is without having gone there and the shared experiences, even if 40 years apart, for a unique bond among Domers.

We made good time, a little under 3 hours, I think. We were able to park on campus, in the lot just nort of the Grotto, thanks to my friend's dad's connections. We stopped at the Grotto for minute, then made our way to the Basilica for a quick walk through. I'd almost forgotten how beautiful it is inside. Then we stopped at Sorin, my old dorm for a bit.

I looked for my named carved on a brick on the porch, but I couldn't find it. Someone probably carved over it. There are new porch swings now. They're a little smaller, but they still have the same view of God Quad that I miss. Even after being gone for 8 years, the bells chiming every 15 minutes still got a reaction out of me ;). We made our way to the Bookstore, which was, of course, packed. They picked up a couple trinkets and I just looked around a little. We stopped at the Visitor/Alumni Center nextdoor to pick up some maps. I still remembered where everything was, but there is so much new stuff that I needed a little help with that.

Next up was the new DeBartolo Performing Arts Center, but it was closed and we couldn't get inside. I was really looking forward to checking that out...next time, for sure. They'd just broken ground as I was finishing up school, and then they'd just had some of the foundation and framing up the last time I was there that next fall when I last made it up. We walked through some tailgators and made our way to the Joyce Center. We couldn't see the inside because the basketball team was practicing, but the renovations that we were able to see are very nice. We meandered through and got to the North Dome of the JACC to see if they had the tables set up for class reunions. I'm not sure if there'd be any reunions, but the tables were there, as were a few corporate booths. I got a few freebies. My friend and her dad left from there to go to a lecture at the Snite Museum of Art. I was interested in going, but wanted to use the time to walk around and see the new sights.

From the JACC, I got a quick look at some of the new athletic facilities. They open up the football practice fields for fans now, which was very cool. From there, I made it to the new Jordan Hall of Science. It's amazing. And huge. They had some chemistry exhibits in the main hallway with a movie special effects theme. There was break-away glass, fake blood, a cool touch screen computer and many others. A doctoral student and her husband did the fake blood, and they were from France. It was nice conversing with them in French for a bit.

I kept making my way north taking in the new buildings and general atmosphere. It was such a lovely day, perfect for walking around and for catching a football game. After making my rounds, I headed back to Sorin to meet a friend I hadn't seen since 2002. I got a little stuck by the crowd lining up to watch the team walk from the Basilica to the Stadium. Once I got back to the dorm, I went inside and checked out the first floor a bit. The TV lounge has been upgraded and is really nice. They have a note by the light switch asking people to turn everything off if you're the last one leaving. I got bitched at when I was there for doing stuff like that...lol I guess I was just ahead of my time.

While I waiting for my friend, I started to eat the rest of my lunch, then continued after she, her husband, and her parents arrived. It was nice to catch up with her in person and to meet her family. She's one of the couple people I've been in regular contact with since school, and it was cool to be able to look her in the eyes and not just read her words. We all had a nice chat, reminiscing a bit, and just enjoying such a beautiful day.

Then it was off to the Stadium for the game. I wanted to get there a little bit early so they could check my backpack. I like to watch the team warm up, too. I got there before my friend and her dad, but they made it in plenty of time before the kickoff. Our seats were good, in the southwest corner. We had a decent vantage point, but I had forgotten how hard the benches were and how close they were together. I wasn't really used to actually sitting in them, though, as students only sit at halftime. The folks sitting around us were pretty cool, for the most part, but a couple of ladies sitting directly in front of us must not have realized how little room there was. It wasn't too bad, but it took some maneuvering to get comfortable.

Overall, the game was good. Winning by 24 is never bad, but we were pretty sloppy in the first half despite the score. We lucked out with the turnovers. Most of the action happened on the other side of the field, though, so it was hard to see exactly what was going on at times. I can't remember being at a game when it was so unbalanced that way. And despite a few minutes of unexpected rain, it was still beautiful out.

The worst part of the game, and this is definitely nit picking, was the Western Michigan band. They kept playing the Rocky theme (at least 25 times) and they played almost every time the ND band did, and since WMU was closer to us, ND got drowned out. WMU still isn't as annoying as USC, though. I'm not sure I could have taken it had we been playing the Cheaters...err...Trojans.

After the Irish victory, we made our way across campus back to the van, stopping by LaFortune first. It's a bit different from when I was there. They'd renovated some restaurant areas right after I left, and now the lounges are upgraded, too, with flat screen TVs, etc. The first floor, at least, still has the same basic setup, though. They still have the Irish Impact poster that I'm in hanging just outside the Huddle Mart. I was a student manager working the game (hoisting the kicking net in the south end zone) on my 20th birthday (November 21, 1998), and I'm a blurry blob in the background.

I'm pointing at me, of course. That was almost 12 years ago...wow.

And we passed by the Administration Building (the Dome), too:

It was easy getting off of campus. There was traffic for awhile in South Bend on the way home, but it flowed nicely. It wasn't bad at all once we were on the outskirts of town. It was a nice drive down US 31 back to Indy. We had more good conversation, with my friend's dad making sure she kept an eye on our speed. It was cute/funny listening to those exchanges ;). We got some drive through fast food in Kokomo for dinner which did the trick. We made good time on the way back, too, getting to my friend's house around 9:30PM. We spent a few minutes catching up on the day's events with my friend's husband. He didn't go to the game because he had to work. She checked up on their toddler son whom she hadn't seen since morning and her hubby was kind enough to drive me home. We were all tired or else we may have hung out a little more.

I crashed not long after I got home. The plan was to sleep for a couple of hours, then watch the taped UFC 120 before looking over all that I'd missed on Facebook and Twitter (didn't want to spoil the results). I didn't get up until the next morning, and family came over shortly after I was awake for a cookout birthday party for my brother. It was nice to see everyone, especially my little ones. It's crazy how fast these kids are growing up, and how independent they're becoming. It was a good time catching up on this and that and just being around each other. I got a bit woozy towards the end of the visit, but it wasn't too bad. I didn't make it to zombie levels ;).

Once everyone was gone, I went back to my room, watched the UFC, then got caught up online. There was the Colts game, too. That all took awhile, and then the weekend started catching up with me a bit, so I went to bed. I was hoping to have this post up Saturday night, then when I didn't get up from my 'nap,' and then Sunday evening didn't work out, either, but that's how it goes. The Colts being the late game didn't help with that. I was only about 2/3 into the game as I was messing around online at the same time. We won, and I'll take it. The Colts have a bye next week, which is much needed with everyone being banged up.

I'll take it. I had an awesome weekend. There was good company, a nice homecoming (at ND), and time well spent with my family. All were long overdue. I'd forgotten about the smell of the grills on football Saturdays, and how the campus is so beautiful this time of year. Seeing how young the students looked made me feel so old, though. Did I look like that to the alumni when I was there? I guess I really hadn't been back in awhile. I'm so happy and thankful to have had the opportunity. I've wanted to visit much more often, but being sick and broke put a damper on all of that. Even if I can't get tickets, I'll try to see if I can at least ride up with friends again to be a part of the overall atmosphere again. I still have some places to check out that were closed this past weekend.

Thanks so very much to all who made it such a special and invigorating weekend for me! I haven't smiled that much for that long in such a great while. From the bottom, top, and all sides of my heart, thanks again!

...And our hearts forever, LOVE THEE NOTRE DAME!!!
-B :D

Doc appointment went well, ND tomorrow!...

I saw one of my surgeons today. He's a really good guy, genuinely cares, and answers all of my questions, no matter how haphazard or long-winded they are, and without making me feel stupid for asking something that's maybe not terribly relevant. His assistant is super nice, too, and we got to talk for a few minutes. It's always good to feel listened to and cared for by doctors. A healthy detachment is fine, but that doesn't mean that they should be aloof. Knowing that they all care (and pretty much all of my regular docs are cool this way) really helps to put me at ease with my situation. I feel that they're doing all that they can to help me, and when they can't, they help me find others who can.


We went over the MRI from last week and the overall tumor situation. Everything is stable. If the tumors have grown, it's not by much. It's hard to be exactly precise because each scan has slightly different images. There's nothing drastically different. The chiari malformation was specifically looked at. All the fluids seem to be flowing nicely, but my cerebellum does definitely hang down a bit lower than normal (which is what a chiari malformation is). It's possible that this contributes to my troubled throat function, but it's more likely that the tumor affects the cranial nerve that controls that. There is a surgery to help correct the malformation, and my surgeon will confer with my neurologist about it, but, at this point, it looks like we'll just keep an eye on it. The surgery basically entails reshaping my skull a bit at the base to alleviate any pressure on the cerebellum. While it is a big deal, and has its risks, it maybe seems a bit scarier than it sounds because it involves my skull and brain and all that.

After the appointment, my mom drove me to pick up a pizza from Papa Murphy's for tonight. They make the pizza, then you take it home and actually bake it. Because of that, I was able to use my food stamps to buy it, which worked out for me. It feels good to contribute a little, especially when I'm being treated to the game. After getting the pizza (sausage and pepperoni is what they wanted...add mushrooms, and that's my usual order, so it works out), I got a few things at the grocery store. Being financially challenged (or, more bluntly, being all but broke), I'm planning on packing a lunch to take with me. I'll just make a couple turkey sandwiches and bring some chips and carrots to go with those. Next up was a little lunch from McDonald's dollar menu, to go, then home.

I still have a few things to get together before I get picked up tonight. I'll round up my meds, clothes, toiletries,  and the food, and I'll shower here in a little while, too. Then I'll get picked up tonight. We'll eat, maybe watch a movie and/or play a couple games for a bit. We'll be heading out of here at 7AM, so we should get to campus by 11AM. Hopefully the traffic isn't too bad and we arrive a little earlier. I haven't been on campus since 2002, and there are lots of new buildings that I want to check out. I'll be working on a to do list and a map here shortly. I'm hoping to meet some friends who'll be up for the game, too. So far, I've arranged to see one. We'll be in front of Sorin, my old dorm, at 12:45PM just before the band plays at Bond Hall (which was usually my wake up call as a student as it's just behind the dorm). The plan is to get to the Stadium around 1:45PM for the 2:30PM start. Well, TV coverage starts at 2:30PM, the actual kickoff won't be until about 2:45PM or so.

I'm really excited to be going back. It's been way too long. It's just been tough being sick and broke and all that. I can't believe it's been 8 years. It'll be nice to reconnect a bit. It's a special place, surely to me, and it's been a big part of my life. I'm looking forward to it being a more active part, even if just for a few hours. If you're going to be on campus, let me know and we'll meet up!

GO IRISH!!!
-B

Just a couple lines...

I wrote this on January 13, 2003, probably late at night. I just happened to be inspired, by what, I can't remember. The intention is to use the lines in a bigger piece, to add onto the few words that are already there, but they do alright standing alone.

Drown (tentative title)

I want to walk in your rain

          And feel you surround me.

I want to drown in your love

            And breathe in your beauty.

New layout...

I tweaked the layout a bit. Hopefully it's an improvement. Let me know what you think. If you're not a fan of the new design, what would you rather see? If you do like it, how can I make it better, still? The goal was to give the text more horizontal room, plus to optimize the ads a bit. I also added a hit counter, and I'm apparently over 1000 views. I'm sure a couple hundred are mine, though.

If  you have any other suggestions, whether it be about the layout, the color scheme, the content...whatever, let me know and I'll do my best to incorporate them. As much as this is about me expressing myself, it's about you receiving that expression. I'm willing to do just about anything that I can do to make your time reading this better.

Thanks,
-B

BRB = Be Right Back!...

Most of my communication with others happens electronically, and a big part of that is instant messaging. It's pretty convenient since I mostly sit right here in front of my computer, plus with everyone having these fancy phones and such, you're all texting/IMing more. I use so many chat clients (because you all do) that I had to find a program that combines them all for me, Digsby. It really helps since I have an old, crappy PC, and running several programs at once doesn't work so well. Digsby combines my Yahoo! Messenger, AOL IM, Google Talk, MSN/Microsoft Live Messenger, Facebook chat, and MySpace IM, as well as giving me access to my emails (Yahoo!, Hotmail, Gmail), Twitter, and my Facebook and MySpace feeds. It also supports other sites/programs that I don't use. Digsby isn't perfect, and you can't use all of the features of each individual program (like BUZZ! on YM), and it handles audio/video differently, but for the basics of chatting, it's great. If I ever need to use any native features that Digsby doesn't support, I'll just log out of that account on Digsby and then load the actual program. An extra benefit of Digsby is that it can log your IMs, even from Facebook chat, which isn't natively supported.


I chat a lot, and I get that IMs are informal. I can handle the lack of capitalization (though "i" instead of "I" does bug me) and don't mind too much when people skip the apostrophes on contractions. I especially understand it when people are typing on their phones and the SHIFT or apostrophe keys aren't so accessible. I'm cool with the IM/SMS abbreviations for the most part, too. What I don't like, what I really, really, really can't stand, is when people don't say what they mean:

BRB = BE RIGHT BACK, NOT BYE REALLY BYE

When you send me a "brb," I'm expecting you to return relatively soon. I understand that stuff happens, that you could get busy with something else, that you're computer/phone might mess up, etc., etc., but if you don't actually intend on resuming to the conversation, just say so. Don't leave me hanging. Now, I'm not always just sitting, twiddling my thumbs, waiting for you to come back, but I do allocate my time and attention for your return. Too, if you're going to be more than 5 minutes or so, you're not really planning on being right back. Instead, say that you'll be back shortly or that you'll be back in awhile--"brb" implies immediacy!

This isn't directed at anyone in particular, it's meant for everyone who does this. And there are other habits that bug me on IM, too, like leaving a conversation without saying "goodbye" at all, or failing to conjugate verbs like "to text" (you know who you are! ;) ), but the "brb" thing probably irritates me more than anything as far as Internet chatting goes. If you don't know what something means, or, if you do know, but still don't actually mean it, then don't use that term. You have been put on notice! :D

BRB,
-B

P.S. (see, I said I'd brb, didn't I?)
For the record, I'm OK with using "lol" even if one isn't actually "laughing out loud." "Lol" has come to transcend it's literal meaning and is used to acknowledge something funny or to avoid an awkward pause or such. I do try to at least chuckle whenever I use "lol," though, just for my own amusement and attempts to be honest...lol :P

A very nice Sunday...

Today's been really good. My brother and his family came over to watch the Colts game and to have dinner. I hadn't seen him in awhile, and it's always great to see my little ones. I had some UFC 119 stuff to give him, plus told him about all that went on (I gave him the link to here so he can read it for himself now :D). It was nice catching up a bit, playing with the kids some, and watching the game. The Colts won, but didn't play so well on offense. I'll be happy with the W, though.

My brother just got a new (to him) laptop, and I added some anti-virus software and updated Windows for him. That took much longer than it should. Everything was working fine when I was done, but he couldn't get Windows to load when he got back to OH (for work). He doesn't know much about computers, and is a understandably pissed that now there are issues when it was fine before. I'm still working on a way to fix it--I'm not sure why it's messing up--but there's not a lot I can do from here. It's looking like he'll have to wait until he comes back to Indy (hopefully next weekend) to get it repaired. The particular error doesn't make much sense, especially since it was fine when I was done with it (I made sure everything worked). I do feel bad that he's having trouble with it. He's not the most patient person, especially about stuff he doesn't know much about, so we'll see how things go. I'll be on the case until we get something together that works for him.

I'm still hoping to cut my hair tonight, and I still need to wash my bedding. It's looking OK that I'll get at least one of those done. I still want to do an op-ed thing, too, so it'll be cool if that works out. I have a couple topics in mind, so as long as I'm feeling alright and don't get too distracted, that should up later tonight sometime. Otherwise, it's just the usual TV and messing around online for the rest of the night.

It's really nice when things go well like they did today. It sucks about the PC issues, but I appreciate the family time. I could feel better, and I'm sure it'll hit me before too long, but I'm feeling OK now. I am hungry, though, so I think I'll go work on fixing something to eat.

Thanks again for checking this out, I really appreciate it! Really :D!

-B :)

ND won...organized my room some...

Notre Dame won. We let Pitt back into the game, but I'll take a victory, even if it's a bit ugly. We're 3-3 now, with a favorable schedule coming up. We should be alright as long as we sharpen up a few things, TACKLE BETTER, and take care of the ball. If all goes according to plan, I'll be up for next week's game against Western Michigan. Let me know if you'll be there and we'll meet up!

I also organized my room a little. I went through some papers, threw a bunch out that I don't need anymore (in a box to be recycled). I have some expandable folders and such that I used, as well as some regular ones. I still need to go through a lot of stuff, like my copies of my medical records, but it's a decent start. My desk isn't so cluttered now, though that probably won't last. It was nice to get that done, but I'm paying for it now. All of the looking around and bending over and grabbing this and putting that there got to me. Enh...

I'm hoping to cut my hair tonight, but that's not looking good right now. I'd like to wash my bedding, too, which is looking better than messing with my hair, but still not great. If I can't do either tonight, I hope to be able to tomorrow. My only other plans are to watch the Colts game. Hopefully they'll rid the league of its last undefeated team ;).

There is a Strikeforce MMA event tonight on Showtime. I don't get Showtime, so I'll have find a way to watch later on. Maybe a 'friend' will record it for me ;). There are some good fights on the card, and I'm looking forward to catching them when I can. The trick will be avoiding the results before I can watch it.

Well, that's my day so far. For the rest of the night, I'll be messing around online a bit, chatting some, I'm sure, and getting caught up on some TV. Hopefully I'll get to my hair and laundry, too. It's looking like I'll probably crash a bit early, though, which actually works out since the Colts game is at 1PM. I'm hoping to post something else tonight, a little op-ed piece about a topic yet to be determined. If you have any suggestions, let me know.

Thanks again to all of you read this, and especially to those who comment and let me know. If I can make this blog more enjoyable/useful/entertaining in any way, tell me how and I'll see what I can do.

Thanks so much,
-B

MRI is done...

That didn't take nearly as long as I thought. Well, now that I think about it, it was my mom who told me that it was supposed to take forever. I should have known better. I hate when doctors' offices talk to her about me. She always mixes stuff up. Grrrr....in her defense, she told the lady to wait a minute and she'd get me when she called to tell me about the MRI, but she wouldn't wait. At any rate, that part is done. I'll see the docs say here in the next couple weeks as we figure out Plan B.

It all went well enough. My mom wrote that my appointment was at 10:45AM, when, in fact, it was at 11:15AM, but wanted me there at 10:45AM to register and all of that. I got there at 10:20AM and waited about an hour before being taken back. I was comfortable enough inside the machine. I was able to breathe, which was my main concern going in. My head was encased to keep me from moving, and the headphones smashed my ears some. I wasn't impressed with the music selection, but it was nice to have something help drown out the noise of the giant magnet spinning around me. All of the people were really nice, and the student did a good job administering the IV contrast dye. The technician was about to do it, but I offered to let the student go. I'm not squeamish, and needles don't bother me. I do alright with pain, too, so it wouldn't have been a big deal if she messed up. She did a great job, though--I barely felt it. The bandage hurt worse. I like giving students a chance to practice on me when it's something simple like IVs. I'd rather not have them do much operating on me, but I'm happy to help them learn.

...

Every time I walk into that part of the hospital (the cancer center), I get really bummed out. The people are all nice, and it's set up very well, lit properly...the tone is perfect...but I just can't get over the fact that I'm there because I have tumors in my head. Everyone else that's there has something serious going on, too. I'm lucky that my stuff isn't cancerous, but it's still pretty bad. It's easier not to think too much about it all on a day to day basis, but when I'm right there, in the CANCER CENTER, it's hard to ignore. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy it exists, so that I can get the care I need, but it's this huge reminder that something is majorly wrong with me, and that it's so damn difficult to treat. I just keep thinking, "Is this really happening? It's really this serious? I'M going through this?" It's rarely not on my mind to some degree, constantly feeling like crap, but being there screams TUMORS and not just that I'm a little sick.

...

Now I'm just deciding if I'm going to take a nap until (or perhaps through) supper, or if I'll stay up. I did get about 4 hours of sleep last night, plus an hour of disjointed sleep inside the machine, but I'm still constantly tired. My sleep schedule is still off, but I've been sleeping what should be enough. Part of it is the headache medicine, I'm sure, but the rest....? I want to stay up, but I'll end up crashing eventually, anyway. Yeah...I'll probably sleep for a bit.

Thanks for reading :)!

-B

MRI today...

So I'll be in the MRI machine for awhile today. Once scan, alone, will take 3 hours, and I have a few I'm getting done. Fun, fun, fun!...or something. It's not too bad, really, but that's a long time to lie still. Hopefully I'll be able to breathe out of my nose. It would really suck if not. I'm just going to try to sleep. I usually do OK that way. I'm pretty sure I'll be in the IU Cancer Center Radiology Dept., and they have music, so that should help.

They'll just be looking at tumor stuff, getting some up to date images. I'll see one of my regular neurosurgeons (he operated on the tumor last year) next week, then a couple of new guys the week after. Since Phoenix dicked me over, we'll be working on Plan B. This MRI will be taking a closer look at my chiari malformation (basically my brain hangs too low in the back). I saw on an episode of House awhile ago that a guy with a chiari malformation had some issues with losing consciousness when he was in certain positions and figured it'd be worth getting a closer look at mine. I realize that House is a fictional TV show, but we hadn't really explored the chiari stuff in any depth, so we'll check it out with the scan today. Also, I've had some swollen lymph nodes in my neck for awhile (biopsy came back clean), and if anything looks wrong with them, we can remove any offending tissue. So there's a lot of information to be gathered. They usually give me a copy of the scans if  I ask, and I will ask again, so as long as my PC cooperates and reads the disc, I'll post any particularly cool images sometime soon.

I'm not worried at all about any of it. I'm mainly worried about being somewhat comfortable in the machine. I should be alright as long as I can breathe. And if not, well, too bad, I guess.

Happy Friday!
-B

SSI Phone Interview done...

Well, that's that...for now. The lady who called from SSI was nice. She knew how to do her job and was sympathetic (though that probably won't help me since she's not part of the decision). She did get a bit sick of me after 90 minutes...lol She was asking about all of my doctors and tests and medicines, and, well, I have (had) a bunch of those. I still have some stuff to submit online, and a few forms to mail out, but I'm in the system and this new application is rolling. Because my eyes messed up before I was 22 and I didn't work enough to get SSA (retirement) benefits, I might be able to go by my parents' work histories. I had my mom's info (she was in the other room), but she found my dad's stuff for me. I'm sure I'll have more stuff to fill out, but I should hear something about this application in a few months.

If I get this one approved, that can only help my pending appeal, I'd think. Plus I'd have some money coming in while I wait to get back pay from the denial that I'm appealing. It's still a ridiculous process, but I'm trying.

My voice is almost gone, my eyes still hurt, and I'm a bit extra woozy from all of this. I ended up not needing to do most of what I did yesterday (at least not for the phone thing today), but it was all useful to have done it. It sucks that I did all of that and don't feel good because of it now when I didn't need it today, though. Oh well.

My cat wouldn't leave me alone. I kept having to shoo her away. And people kept calling in. When there's call waiting, my phone doesn't beep, it gives some weird static noise and I can't hear the call I'm already on. It's very annoying. I didn't want to turn call waiting off in case the doctor called for my mom. She had her routine blood drawing this morning, and if something comes up fishy, they'll call her to tell her what to do. And, of course, I forgot some things upstairs and had to go back to get those. I get horrible reception up here, and she couldn't hear me. That's about when she started getting antsy to finish. To be fair, I did warn her about the phone. ;)

At least that part is done. We'll see how it goes. Hopefully someone with common sense gets my file this time. Even if it goes through, I'll still be poor, but I won't be quite so broke. It'll be nice to have a couple bucks. I already have a long list of stuff I need, like medicine and clothes and a phone.

Thanks for all of your support! I really appreciate it! Thanks for reading this! Spread the word! :P

Happy Thursday (it is Thursday, right?)!
-B

New SSI application...

My lawyer advised me to start a new SSI application. This is in case the current case gets denied (again) as well as hoping that the new case goes through right away and I start getting paid sooner. I forgot how tedious this all was. Among other things, I have to list all of my doctor appointments, tests, and doctor/hospital/clinic info. I'm far from done, and have over 150 appointments/tests listed. I've seen at least 40 doctors. I've spent 5 hours on this already today, mainly looking through my previous application (on CD) and getting the info from there. They're calling me tomorrow to interview me. I forget what they'll ask, but it's just basic stuff to start off with, I think.

*EPIPHANY*
Maybe the reason I keep getting denied is that I'm apparently well enough to fill out the damn application. Hmmm....is there a way I can not fill it out and still get everything accounted for?

My eyes are hurting now, and I'm a bit extra woozy from all of the reading and head motion. And I'm still not done. Argh.

I'm really sick of this whole process. Why can't they just talk to my doctors and maybe have some of their own poke and prod and observe me for awhile? Wouldn't that be easier for everyone? Filling out this application is making me feel worse! Blah.

I was hoping to get some of this done over the weekend, but I've not felt great, or have I slept well. And I've had some killer headaches, which haven't helped anything. It's been a little better today, but they've not gone completely away. C'est la vie...

-B

I Think of You...(poem)

I Think of You...

I think of you when the wind blows,
       And too, when it is still.
I want to give you everything
       That your heart could ever will.
I want to hold you on a pier
       Overlooking the setting sun
Over the blue-green ocean in a place
       Of which only you and I know.
I want to show you falling leaves,
       Tell you that I’m falling, too,
Give you a zillion rainbows
       And see you smile your wonderful smile.
I think of you whenever I can,
       And can’t, and always do.
I want to touch you again,
       But for only the first time, forever.
I want to show you Paris,
       For when I was there,
I missed you and your kiss,
       Though I didn’t know you but did.
Be at my side, starting before time began.
       You already are, sometimes, forever, if only in my heart.
I think of you when the wind blows,
       And it’s always blowing somewhere,
Like it always has, like now, in my heart.
       Is it blowing in yours, too?
Is it blowing around and around,
       Making you feel strangely good?
I loved you before I saw you,
       Before I knew who you were.
I want to be with you always,
       Loving you, doing for you,
Making me happy by keeping you happy,
       As I would so eagerly do.
I think of you when the wind blows,
       And it is blowing now.
I want to love you forever,
       Let me show you how.

I wrote this for/about a girl my senior year of high school. It didn't help my chances with her, but people seem to have liked it. I'm hoping to convert it into a song at some point, too, but I keep getting stuck. I do have a couple things in mind, though. Enjoy :)

Colts lost...doc today...

Well, the Colts lost yesterday. Tackling was a big issue. So was ball security. Then the Jaguars kicker hits a 59 yard FG to win it. I'm not overly worried about the season, but being 0-2 in the division isn't ideal. We'll be alright, I think.

I saw my ENT doc today. It was just a follow-up to check on some swollen lymph nodes. They were biopsied last time, and everything was fine, but they're still a bit enlarged. They doctor isn't worried about them, so neither am I. If anything fishy is going on, it should show up on the MRI I'm having done on Friday for the tumor stuff. We're not expecting anything, but they could go in and remove the nodes if something looks too crazy on the scans. No biggie. This appointment was timed well, too, because of the extra congestion and nose bleeds I'm dealing with. He told me to just use some Bacitracin ointment to help heal up things and I should be fine. We discussed some different nasal sprays to help with the congestion and drainage, but they all dry me out pretty badly, so we'll stick with the status quo there. Too, depending on how it may affect tumor treatment, I'll probably have my deviated septum fixed soon. My nose is pretty jacked up. It's a fairly simple outpatient procedure. The hope is that it'll help with my breathing. It's especially difficult when I'm in bed. I'm happy with how the appointment went.

My sleep is still way off. I'm tired all the time. And the headaches are getting a little worse, but I can't handle taking that medicine twice a day. I don't know if the last couple weeks are still catching up with me or what. It's not like I have a lot to do and my work is being affected or anything, but it is annoying that I'm always so tired. I do have a few things that I could do (and want to do) to be productive. Plus, I already feel bad enough with the wooziness. Enh...I don't know. I just cleaned my humidifier and have it running now. Hopefully that'll help.

That's it for now. I think I'm going to try to catch up on some TV tonight. If I'm feeling OK, I'm hoping to post again later on, more of a stand alone piece about a yet-to-be-determined topic. If there's anything you want to know or if there's any particular subject you'd like to hear my take on, let me know and I'll see what I can do.

-B

ND 31 BC 13

Today was alright. My sleep's still off, and I was too woozy to shower or do much of anything that I wanted, but it's been much worse. I caught up on a lot of TV, but still have a lot more to watch. Most importantly, Notre Dame won! It's especially nice to beat Boston College. The defense played well. The offense looked good in the first quarter, then...I don't know. I'll take a win any way it comes. Up next is Pitt, then I'll be going up to the Western Michigan game the following week. Who else will be there for WMU? It'll be my first time back to campus since the 2002 Pitt game, and it'd be nice to see a few familiar faces. Once I know the itinerary, I'll let you know, but the tentative plan is to get there Saturday morning.

That pretty much rounds out my report for today. My last post wasn't even 8 hours ago, but I did want to get back in the habit of writing these before I go to bed. There's not too much on the agenda for Sunday. My mom's friend is having a little party for my mom in the afternoon. If I'm feeling alright, I'll go to that. The Colts play at 4PM, so I'll catch that. I have a legal questionnaire I need to finish, as well as some SSI phone interview preparation (mainly just getting my info together). For the SSI stuff, I'm filing a new claim in case the old one doesn't pan out. There's a chance the new one will get approved before the old one is resolved, so I'd be getting some money sooner. Or it could be another long, painful mess that begins shortly. We'll see.

I was thinking about talking about something else this time, perhaps how I'm so disillusioned by the political process (brought on after watching Real Time with Bill Maher), but now my eyes hurt....grrr...maybe another time.

Happy Sunday, Go Colts, and thanks to all who read and comment :)!
-B

The last couple days...

All of the activity I've had the last little while is catching up with me. My sleep is still off because I keep crashing at odd (for me) hours, then getting back up at even odder (again, for me) hours. I'll take it, though. I'd rather feel extra out of it because I did something and had a little fun than the usual feeling like crap just because. It has caused me to be a little less diligent keeping this blog up to date, though. I was hoping to cheat a bit and make an extra entry last time by posting the SSI ruling, but then it took me a couple hours to finish it after finding some OCR mistakes and adding my response to the nonsense that the judge wrote. But you're not rid of me yet.... ;)

On top of the usual stuff, and the sleep craziness, I've been extra congested. I hate not being able to breathe out of my nose (not that anyone enjoys it). I've gone on sneezing fits, too, which is rare for me, and my nose keeps bleeding. The extra low humidity recently didn't help. I'm glad it rained today. But the overall changing of weather seems to be getting to me. Or it's just one of those things that happens. The breathing difficulties make the wooziness worse because I'm already lightheaded, then get moreso when I have to work harder to inhale. It's hard to get comfortable to sleep and harder to stay in a position that suits me. Ugh...and so it goes.

I've still gotten out of the house, though. I had (psych) therapy on Thursday. I like how that's going. My therapist is a good guy and a Notre Dame fan, which doesn't hurt. It's nice to feel validated about how I interpret my situation. He gets me to think about things, too, that I may not otherwise want to or maybe just wouldn't have had them come to mind. My step-dad dropped me off, but I had to take the bus back home. Of course, it was late. I hate just standing around waiting. Indy needs to do better with public transportation, but that's not going to happen for awhile, it seems. We'll be lucky if IndyGo (the bus system) doesn't cut back (more) services.

I was up early because of one of my crash naps, and should have gone back to bed for at least a few hours before heading to therapy, but didn't. I started crashing again in the waiting room. Then, after, I had to cook for myself (not complaining about that, btw), and I was hungry, so I couldn't really nap. I saw a friend tweet about a promotion by Scotty's Brewhouse to win tickets to see The Social Network. I copied/pasted his posts (as part of the contest) before I even knew what the deal was and ended up winning (as did a couple hundred people, including my friend). The show was at midnight on Thursday and I was afraid I maybe wouldn't make it. I felt a little better after I ate, then took a quick cat nap while I waited to hear that my friend was on her way to pick me up. That helped, and I was refreshed enough to go, though I was still tired.

The theatre was way up in Noblesville, but it was an easy drive. Having no traffic helped. They showed a silly spoof trailer with people from the restaurant and some local personalities before the movie. I enjoyed it. The movie, itself, was pretty good, too. It was funnier than I expected it to be, but maybe a little less accurate than I anticipated. It's not a documentary, though, and it was entertaining. For those less in the loop about how Facebook was formed and grew, they might think things happened just as they did in the movie, which is maybe a little unfortunate. I don't get the sense that Mark Zuckerberg is that emotionless or friendless in real life. He came off as almost autistic in the movie. It was a good time, though, getting out of the house, hanging with a friend, and catching a flick (for free).

I got home and crashed not long after. There were some fights on, both Bellator and the WEC, but I had to miss them because of the movie. Bellator was delayed until the weekend locally, anyway, because of baseball. So I stayed away from Twitter and sports sites until I could watch the fights on Friday. The WEC card was very entertaining. I enjoyed the action quite a bit. Jose Aldo is ridiculous. The Bellator card was less exciting, but I had a good time watching.

I met a friend downtown Friday afternoon. We became acquainted online a little while ago and this was the first time saw each other in person. She just moved to Indy. It was nice out, and we had a good chat over some tea and then lunch. She's had her own health issues, so we could relate to each other on that level. We talked a bit about what's going on that way, but didn't dwell on it too much because we both know how much of a drag that can be (and not that I mind talking about it with people who care--it's just not the most fun thing in the world to do). We talked about Indy and what it has to offer, and about how she's settling in and all that. I had a good time and it'll be cool to hang out again soon. I hope I'm a good guide to the city.

I napped for a couple hours after I got home and caught up on Twitter and all that, getting up to eat the pizza that we ordered. Then I worked on the SSI post, which was only supposed to take a few minutes. It's ridiculous how long it took me to get it formatted, but I it worked out. I chatted a bit once that was done, then my eyes started to bug me. Part of it is from being out in the bright sun for awhile, some from the reading/writing of the blog post, a bit from the lack of sleep, and, too, from the cooler, dryer weather. I had to cut the chatting short and went to bed. Again, I planned on just sleeping a couple hours, then getting up to shower and all that before going to bed for good. But that didn't work out and I've been up since 9AM or so. I wanted to eat and shower and then go back to bed for awhile, but then I got too woozy to shower, then wasn't tired, then got into catching up on TV that I'd missed. And now, here I am, writing this as I wait for the ND/BC game to start.

It's been a crazy couple weeks with doctor appointments, the UFC, being a little sick, and hanging with friends. The discomfort is worth it, though. I never really feel good, anyway, and if I feel a little extra bad, it's much easier to take after having had a little fun. For anyone thinking, "Well, why can't he work, then?" it's not the same thing. While it's been a lot for me, it's still only been a few hours spread out over a few days, and I wasn't doing anything productive. I almost passed out at the UFC Pre Fight Press Conference last week and I came close to not being able to make it to the movie or to meet my friend on Friday. And, for the most part, I was just sitting around, talking. But I still enjoyed it.

GO IRISH! BEAT EAGLES!
-B

Ridiculous SSI ruling...

As part of my SSI appeal, I had a hearing with a judge in June. He was in Peoria, IL, so it was done via CCTV. I got the impression that he was very intelligent and figured he'd either see how obvious it was that I couldn't work, or that he'd use his smarts to screw me over and deny me. Of course, he did the latter. Below is the relevant part of his ruling, which I received a couple weeks after the hearing. At least he didn't make me wait forever. I scanned the pages and got the text via OCR. I'm pretty sure I've corrected any errors, and the formatting, aside from some spacing, is the same from the document I received. I highlight particularly ridiculous findings in RED, though. I added my comments in BLUE. This is some crazy shit. He can't have really read my medical info and made these conclusions.

FINDINGS OF FACT AND CONCLUSIONS OF LAW

After careful consideration of the entire record, the undersigned makes the following findings:

1. The claimant has not engaged in substantial gainful activity since June 21, 2007, the application date (20 CFR 416.971 et seq.).

2. The claimant has the following sever impairments: schwannoma tumor in the jugular foramen, visual disorder, dysthymia, and depression (20 CFR 416.920(e)).

 The above impairments cause significant limitations in the claimant’s ability to perform basic work activities.

3. The claimant does not have an impairment or combination of impairments that meets or medically equals one of the listed impairments in 20 CFR Part 404, Subpart P, Appendix 1 (20 CFR 416.920(d), 416.925 and 416.926).

The undersigned considered listing 2.02 governing the loss of visual acuity. In order to meet Listing 2.02, the claimant must have remaining vision in the better eye after best correction of 20/200 or less. There is no evidence in the medical record to suggest that the claimant’s visual acuity in the better eye has deteriorated to satisfy the requirements of Listing 2.02.

The undersigned also considered listing 2.04 governing the loss of visual efficiency. In order to meet Listing 2.04, the claimant must have a visual efficiency of 20 percent or less as determined by kinetic perimetry. The claimant argues that he meets 2.04 and that his doctor has determined that he met Listing 2.04. However, upon review of the medical record of evidence, the claimant’s doctor reported that the claimant’s visual efficiency was 72 % in his right eye and 57% in his left eye which is far from meeting the criteria in Listing 2.04 (Exhibit 15F/1).

*I don't understand any of this or what my doctor wrote. But, apparently, having major blind spots in my central vision isn't a big enough deal. I guess as long as I might see part of something in front of me, that's good enough. I wonder if he'd want me to drive next to him since my vision is, by his standards, within the BMV requirements.

The claimant’s mental impairments, considered singly and in combination, do not meet or medically equal the criteria of listing 12.04. In making this finding, the undersigned has considered whether the "paragraph B" criteria are satisfied. To satisfy the "paragraph B" criteria, the mental impairments must result in at least two of the following: marked restriction of activities of daily living; marked difficulties in maintaining social functioning; marked difficulties in maintaining concentration, persistence, or pace; or repeated episodes of decompensation, each of extended duration. A marked limitation means more than moderate but less than extreme. Repeated episodes of decompensation, each of extended duration, means three episodes within l year, or an average of once every 4 months, each lasting for at least 2 weeks.

In evaluating the claimant’s psychological impairments, the undersigned utilized the technique set forth at 20 CFR 404.1520a and 416.920a. The claimant’s depression causes no more than mild restrictions in activities of daily living, mild difficulties in the ability to maintain social functioning, or moderate deficiencies of concentration, persistence or pace. The claimant is able to maintain personal hygiene and grooming, he lives with his parents, does the laundry, cooks, watches television, pursues social networking on the computer, goes out with friends to watch sporting events at bars, and regularly attends basketball games. The claimant reads, although he tires easily while reading. Based on this, the mental condition fails to satisfy the A and B criteria. Moreover, there is no evidence that even a minimal increase in mental demands or change in the environment would be predicted to cause the claimant to decompensate. Additionally, there is no history of an inability to function outside a highly supportive living arrangement. Finally, there is no evidence that he is completely unable to function outside the area of his home environment. Consequently, the A and C criteria are not at listing level severity.

*I don't know about specific legal definitions or guidelines, but it seems to me that because I'm not a total slob and can shower somewhat regularly (though often not when I want to), that I live with my parents (as opposed to what?), that I do laundry (I have enough clothes to last me awhile, but I still can't always do it when I want to--for instance, I'd prefer to wash my bedding once a week, but that doesn't ever happen), that I feed myself (rarely what I want--I often settle for something simple like a sandwich instead of cooking something more elaborate), that I watch TV (really?!?!), that I'm do social networking online (reading what you're up to and posting a little about my life makes me less sick?), that I go somewhere else to watch TV (well, if watching TV at home is too much...), and going to Fever games in the summer (even if I'm just sitting there, which happens a lot, despite my inclinations to cheer), and because I read, apparently at all (wow), I'm not disabled. Basically, because I function AT ALL, I'm not depressed enough. To hell with feeling hopeless and suicidal (in the past), wondering what the point of doing anything is, and, when I have the tears, crying to myself so sick of the nothingness that my life has become. Fuck it, I can watch TV, I must be alright.

4. After careful consideration of the entire record, the undersigned finds that the claimant has the residual functional capacity to perform light work as defined in 20 CFR 416.967(b) except the claimant is limited to occasional postural activities with no climbing of ladders, ropes, or scaffolds. He must avoid all hazards and can engage in activity only requiring occasional visual functioning (i.e. occasional near and far acuity, field of vision, peripheral acuity, depth perception, and nighttime vision). The claimant is also limited to perform simple and repetitive tasks.

*Standing up is a hazard. "Occasional visual functioning???" So I can do stuff that I only need to see part of the time? What am I suppose to do when I'm unable to see?

In making this finding, the undersigned has considered all symptoms and the extent to which these symptoms can reasonably be accepted as consistent with the objective medical evidence and other evidence, based on the requirements of 20 CFR 416.929 and SSRS 96-4p and 96-7p. The undersigned has also considered opinion evidence in accordance with the requirements of 20 CFR 416.927 and SSRS 96-2p, 96-Sp, 96-6p and 06-3p.

In considering the claimant’s symptoms, the undersigned must follow a two-step process in which it must first be determined whether there is an underlying medically determinable physical or mental impairment--i.e., an impairment that can be shown by medically acceptable clinical and laboratory diagnostic techniques--that could reasonably be expected to produce the claimant's pain or other symptoms. Second, once an underlying physical or mental impairment that could reasonably be expected to produce the claimant's pain or other symptoms has been shown and because a claimant’s symptoms can sometimes suggest a greater level of severity of impairment than can be shown by the objective medical evidence alone, the undersigned must consider in addition to the objective medical evidence when assessing the credibility of the claimant's statements:

1. The claimant's daily activities;
*Next to nothing--little of significance
2. The location, duration, frequency, and intensity of the claimant's pain or other symptoms;
*CONSTANT WOOZINESS/BLINDNESS
3. Factors that precipitate and aggravate the symptoms;
*Being active, looking up/down, bending over, stress
4. The type, dosage, effectiveness, and side effects of any medication the claimant takes or has taken to alleviate pain or other symptoms;
*Nothing really helps the wooziness
5. Treatment, other than medication, the claimant receives or has received for relief of pain or other symptoms;
6. Any measures other than treatment the claimant uses or has used to relieve pain or other symptoms (e.g., lying flat on his or her back, standing for 15 to 20 minutes every hour, or sleeping on a board); and
*Ceasing activity, lying down, NOT BEING ACTIVE
7. Any other factors concerning the claimant's functional limitations and restrictions due to pain or other symptoms (SSR 96-7p).

For this purpose, whenever statements about the intensity, persistence, or functionally limiting effects of pain or other symptoms are not substantiated by objective medical evidence, the undersigned must make a finding on the credibility of the statements based on a. consideration of the entire case record.

This 31 year old claimant alleged that he has macular serpiginous choroiditis, depression, asthma, lightheadedness, and dizziness. He claims that his eyes are sensitive to light and that he is depressed due to his poor health. He claims that he is unable to concentrate and that he rarely does anything physical because he is always disoriented.

After careful consideration of the evidence, the undersigned finds that the claimant’s medically determinable impairments could reasonably be expected to cause the alleged symptoms; however, the claimant’s statements concerning the intensity, persistence and limiting effects of these symptoms are not credible to the extent. They are inconsistent with the above residual functional capacity assessment.

*So I'm only visually impaired part of the time? CONSTANT wooziness isn't that bad? What, exactly, isn't credible about my 'claims?'

The claimant has a long history of having serpiginous choroiditis, an inflammatory condition of the eye. His physician noted in a letter in October of 1998 that the claimant had a moderate visual impairment due to this condition and that he had photophobia and decreased vision in certain light conditions (Exhibit 15F/62). In May of 2009, the claimant had his vision evaluated and his doctor reported that the claimant’s visual acuity was 20/40 in the right eye and 20/50 in the left eye, uncorrected, with a corrected visual acuity of 20/25 and 20/40 respectively (Exhibit 15F/70). Although the claimant’s doctor in September of 2009 noted that the claimant met Listing 2.04, the doctor reported that the claimant’s visual efficiency was as 72% in his right eye and 57% in his left eye which was far from meeting the criteria in Listing 2.04 (Exhibit 15F/1).

*Classifying it as "an inflammatory condition of the eye" is underselling it a bit. I have scar tissue on my retinas, which causes blind spots. That means that I CANNOT SEE where those spots are. I guess compared to being completely blind, I have "moderate visual impairment," but I have TOTAL VISUAL IMPAIRMENT where the scarring is, and it is significant. And to get the 20/40 and 20/50 acuities, I have to move my eyes/head around to try to catch things peripherally. I can't just look at something and see it since my central vision is so compromised by the scarring. And lighting is a HUGE factor with my sight. If it's too bright, my functional vision, beyond being able to get around, is nil. Why does everything get so understated?

The claimant also had a long history of dizziness and lightheadedness. In January of 2009, the claimant underwent a biopsy of his jugular foremen which demonstrated that the claimant had a schwannoma tumor (Exhibit 14F/28). He underwent surgery to remove the tumor; however, during the surgery, the claimant’s blood pressure and pulse dropped at a dramatic rate and the surgeon was unable to remove the schwannoma tumor (Exhibit 14F/1). During a follow-up examination, his physician noted that the majority of the tumor, approximately 75-90%, still remained (Exhibit 14F/3). In August of 2009, the claimant’s physician noted that the claimant continued to have occasional dizziness (Exhibit 14F/1). The physician also noted that the claimant’s strength was 5 out of 5 and that his reflexes were symmetric (Exhibit 14F/1).

*So 822 characters sums up my tumor? Being forced to leave 75-90% of a huge ass lesion in my head is not significant? The "occasional dizziness" meant occasional INCREASED dizziness that's on top of the wooziness I CONSTANTLY feel. What the fuck does my strength and reflexes have to do with being woozy? I guess I'm strong enough to survive a fall and my leg will kick out if I land on my knee just right?

The claimant was also diagnosed with Dysthymic Disorder in September of 2005 (Exhibit SF), and depression in July of 2007 (Exhibit 11F). His psychologist noted that the claimant felt that his depression would remain as long as he remained physically impaired and dependent on others (Exhibit 11F). In August of 2007, the claimant reported that his concentration was “o.k.” and that he was often bored (Exhibit 11F). In January of 2008, the claimant’s case manager at the community mental health center noted that the claimant was only mildly depressed; however, he still had feelings of hopelessness and low energy (Exhibit 11F). The claimant underwent a consultative examination in September of 2007. At that time, the state agency's consultant noted that the claimant’s muscle tone and strength was 5 out of 5 in all extremities with no muscle wasting (Exhibit 5F/5). The consultant also noted that the claimant’s gait was normal and that his station was normal (Exhibit 5F/5 ). The claimant was also able to walk on his heels and toes and squat and rise from a squatted position without difficulty (Exhibit 5F/ 5).

*Again, we have incomplete and understated information. Too, what does my strength or gait or ability to walk on my toes/heels, etc. have to do with being depressed? Or wooziness? Or blindness?

Although the claimant has described daily activities which are fairly limited, two factors weigh against considering these allegations to be strong evidence in favor of finding the claimant disabled. First, allegedly limited daily activities cannot be objectively verified with any reasonable degree of certainty. Secondly, even if the claimant’s daily activities are truly as limited as alleged, it is difficult to attribute that degree of limitation to the claimant’s medical condition, as opposed to other reasons, in view of the relatively weak medical evidence and other factors discussed in this decision. The undersigned noted that there are facts and inconsistencies in the record which detract from the credibility of the claimant’s allegations. In the claimant’s disability report, he stated that he was unable to do much and that he considered himself lucky if he could stand up. However, the claimant testified that he took care of his personal hygiene, did the laundry, cleaned his room, watched television, pursued social networking on his computer, attended sporting events, and went out socially with fiends to watch sporting events. Further, although the claimant claimed limited activities of daily living, his mother reported in a 3rd party report that he had no problem taking care of his hygiene and that he watched movies and worked on his computer (Exhibit 9E). She also reported that the claimant needed to be more active (Exhibit 9E). Although the inconsistent information provided by the claimant may not be the result of a conscious intention to mislead, nevertheless the inconsistencies suggest that the information provided by the claimant generally may not be entirely reliable.

*If my "allegedly limited daily activities cannot be objectively verified with any reasonable degree of certainty," then what am I supposed to do? My situation is my situation. I don't choose my symptoms or limitations. Weak medical evidence? A golf ball sized tumor in my head that they were unable to remove much of because I almost died when they were working on it is weak? Scars on my retinas is weak? Not being able to see is week? And all of those activities that I apparently do...it's really not that much. Showering makes me able-bodied? Watching TV? REALLY? Getting out of the house once in awhile, if just for my own sanity (literally) is that much? And the stuff from my mom. I only asked her to fill that out because no one else would. I should have left it blank. She didn't believe I was sick then (they hadn't found the tumor yet). But because my mom said my hygiene was fine (maybe I should stink more) and because I can watch movies (SERIOUSLY??) and mess around on my computer some, I'm OK? What is inconsistent? Yes, I do stuff sometimes when I feel good enough to do it. Most of the time, though, I just sit around and try not to fall over. Sometimes I'm successful.

In accordance with Social Security Ruling 96-6p, the undersigned considered the administrative findings of fact made by the state agency medical physicians and other consultants and weighed these opinions as statements from non-examining expert sources. The residual functional capacity conclusions reached by the physicians employed by the State Disability Determination Services also supported a finding of "not disabled." Although those physicians were non-examining, and therefore their opinions do not as a general matter deserve as much weight as those of examining or treating physicians, those opinions do deserve some weight, particularly in a case like this in which there exist a number of other reasons to reach similar conclusions.

*It doesn't seem he took anything that my doctors said about me being as bad off as I am into any consideration. And based on how the hearing went, it didn't seem like he talked to any doctors. And "in a case like this in which there exist a number of other reasons to reach similar conclusions" is to mean what, exactly? Both my eye condition AND the tumor are extremely rare. My situation is not at all common.

In light of the claimant’s alleged impairments and giving the claimant every benefit of the doubt regarding his allegations of dizziness and lightheadedness, as well as his visual disorder, the undersigned finds, therefore, the claimant is limited to light work. Because of his alleged symptoms, the claimant is limited to perform work which only requires occasional postural activities with no climbing of ladders, ropes, or scaffolds. He must avoid all hazards and can engage in activity only requiring occasional visual functioning (i.e. occasional near and far acuity, field of vision, peripheral acuity, depth perception, and nighttime vision). Because of the claimant’s depression and dysthymia, he is limited the performance of only simple and repetitive tasks.

*"Every benefit of the doubt????" I don't need any benefit of the doubt, I just need someone with some common sense to look at my case. And, again, what can I do that only requires me to be able to see some of the time, that's simple and repetitive? This makes no sense!

In summary, based on a review of the medical evidence of record, as sell as the claimant’s testimony at the hearing and the record as a whole, the undersigned finds the evidence contained in the record does not support the claimant's allegations of totally incapacitating symptoms. He has retained the capacity to perform light work, with minor postural, environmental and non-exertional limitations, throughout the period under consideration. The claimant has not demonstrated that the medical evidence supports greater limitation than in the RFC above, and the undersigned gives the claimant all benefit of reasonable doubt.

5. The claimant is unable to perform any past relevant work (20 CFR 416.965).

The claimant has past relevant work as a door to door sales representative, cashier II, and cashier checker. The vocational expert testified that the work requirements of these jobs exceeded the residual functional capacity provided for this claimant. Accordingly, the claimant is unable to perform past relevant work.

6. The claimant was horn on November 21, 1978 and was 28 years old, which is defined as a younger individual age 18-49, on the date the application was filed (20 CFR 416.963).

7. The claimant has at least a high school education and is able to communicate in English (20 CFR 416.964).

8. Transferability of job skills is not material to the determination of disability because using the Medical-Vocational Rules as a framework supports a finding that the claimant is "not disabled," whether or not the claimant has transferable job skills (See SSR 82-41 and 20 CFR Part 404, Subpart P, Appendix 2).

9. Considering the claimant's age, education, work experience, and residual functional capacity, there are jobs that exist in significant numbers in the national economy that the claimant can perform (20 CFR 416.969 and 416.969(a)).

In determining whether a successful adjustment to other work can be made, the undersigned must consider the claimant's residual functional capacity, age, education, and work experience in conjunction with the Medical-Vocational Guidelines, 20 CFR Part 404, Subpart P, Appendix 2. If the claimant can perform all or substantially all of the exertional demands at a given level of exertion, the medical-vocational rules direct a conclusion of either "disabled" or "not disabled" depending upon the claimant's specific vocational profile (S SR 83-l 1). When the claimant cannot perform substantially all of the exertional demands of work at a given level of exertion and/or has nonexertional limitations, the medical-vocational rules are used as a framework for decision-making unless there is a rule that directs a conclusion of "disabled" without considering the additional exertional and/or nonexertional limitations (SSRS 83-12 and 83-14). If the claimant has solely nonexertional limitations, section 204.00 in the Medical-Vocational Guidelines provides a framework for decision-making (SSR 85-15).

If the claimant had the residual functional capacity to perform the full range of light work, a finding of "not disabled" would be directed by Medical-Vocational Rule 202.21. However, the claimant's ability to perform all or substantially all of the requirements of this level of work has been impeded by additional limitations. To determine the extent to which these limitations erode the unskilled light occupational base, the Administrative Law Judge asked the vocational expert whether jobs exist in the national economy for an individual with the claimant's age, education, work experience, and residual functional capacity. The vocational expert testified that given all of these factors the individual would be able to perform the requirements of representative occupations such as maid, housekeeping cleaner, with 5,975 jobs available in regional economy and 364,640 in the national economy and sales attendant, with 1,685 jobs available in the regional economy and 87,500 jobs available in the national economy.

*What do my age, education, work experience, or RPC have to do with me not being able to see or feeling like I'm going to pass out? If my body doesn't function, how am I supposed to work? And my past work experience is supposedly moot, according to #5. I could be a maid? So I can only so stuff when I only need to see some of the time, and that wouldn't affect cleaning work? Plus, bending over, looking up and down, and all that make me feel worse. A maid doesn't do any of that, right? And a sales attendant? What would I sell? Presumably, I'd have to know about what I'm selling, which would involve research, which would mean at least some reading. And who would hire me knowing that I couldn't commit to working any set schedule? Also, if all of these jobs are available in my area, why is unemployment so high? REALLY?! I could be a maid or a salesman? *ROLLS EYES*

Pursuant to SSR 00-4p, the vocational expert's testimony is consistent with the information contained in the Dictionary of Occupational Titles.

Based on the testimony of the vocational expert, the undersigned concludes that, considering the claimant's age, education, work experience, and residual functional capacity, the claimant is capable of making a successful adjustment to other work that exists in significant numbers in the national economy. A finding of "not disabled" is therefore appropriate under the framework of the above-cited rule.

10. The claimant has not been under a disability, as defined in the Social Security Act, since June 21, 2007, the date the application was filed (20 CFR 416.920(g)).

DECISION

Based on the application for supplemental security income protectively filed on June 21, 2007, the claimant is not disabled under section l6l4(a)(3)(A) of the Social Security Act.