Notre Dame won. We let Pitt back into the game, but I'll take a victory, even if it's a bit ugly. We're 3-3 now, with a favorable schedule coming up. We should be alright as long as we sharpen up a few things, TACKLE BETTER, and take care of the ball. If all goes according to plan, I'll be up for next week's game against Western Michigan. Let me know if you'll be there and we'll meet up!
I also organized my room a little. I went through some papers, threw a bunch out that I don't need anymore (in a box to be recycled). I have some expandable folders and such that I used, as well as some regular ones. I still need to go through a lot of stuff, like my copies of my medical records, but it's a decent start. My desk isn't so cluttered now, though that probably won't last. It was nice to get that done, but I'm paying for it now. All of the looking around and bending over and grabbing this and putting that there got to me. Enh...
I'm hoping to cut my hair tonight, but that's not looking good right now. I'd like to wash my bedding, too, which is looking better than messing with my hair, but still not great. If I can't do either tonight, I hope to be able to tomorrow. My only other plans are to watch the Colts game. Hopefully they'll rid the league of its last undefeated team ;).
There is a Strikeforce MMA event tonight on Showtime. I don't get Showtime, so I'll have find a way to watch later on. Maybe a 'friend' will record it for me ;). There are some good fights on the card, and I'm looking forward to catching them when I can. The trick will be avoiding the results before I can watch it.
Well, that's my day so far. For the rest of the night, I'll be messing around online a bit, chatting some, I'm sure, and getting caught up on some TV. Hopefully I'll get to my hair and laundry, too. It's looking like I'll probably crash a bit early, though, which actually works out since the Colts game is at 1PM. I'm hoping to post something else tonight, a little op-ed piece about a topic yet to be determined. If you have any suggestions, let me know.
Thanks again to all of you read this, and especially to those who comment and let me know. If I can make this blog more enjoyable/useful/entertaining in any way, tell me how and I'll see what I can do.
Thanks so much,
-B
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Friday, October 8, 2010
MRI is done...
That didn't take nearly as long as I thought. Well, now that I think about it, it was my mom who told me that it was supposed to take forever. I should have known better. I hate when doctors' offices talk to her about me. She always mixes stuff up. Grrrr....in her defense, she told the lady to wait a minute and she'd get me when she called to tell me about the MRI, but she wouldn't wait. At any rate, that part is done. I'll see the docs say here in the next couple weeks as we figure out Plan B.
It all went well enough. My mom wrote that my appointment was at 10:45AM, when, in fact, it was at 11:15AM, but wanted me there at 10:45AM to register and all of that. I got there at 10:20AM and waited about an hour before being taken back. I was comfortable enough inside the machine. I was able to breathe, which was my main concern going in. My head was encased to keep me from moving, and the headphones smashed my ears some. I wasn't impressed with the music selection, but it was nice to have something help drown out the noise of the giant magnet spinning around me. All of the people were really nice, and the student did a good job administering the IV contrast dye. The technician was about to do it, but I offered to let the student go. I'm not squeamish, and needles don't bother me. I do alright with pain, too, so it wouldn't have been a big deal if she messed up. She did a great job, though--I barely felt it. The bandage hurt worse. I like giving students a chance to practice on me when it's something simple like IVs. I'd rather not have them do much operating on me, but I'm happy to help them learn.
...
Every time I walk into that part of the hospital (the cancer center), I get really bummed out. The people are all nice, and it's set up very well, lit properly...the tone is perfect...but I just can't get over the fact that I'm there because I have tumors in my head. Everyone else that's there has something serious going on, too. I'm lucky that my stuff isn't cancerous, but it's still pretty bad. It's easier not to think too much about it all on a day to day basis, but when I'm right there, in the CANCER CENTER, it's hard to ignore. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy it exists, so that I can get the care I need, but it's this huge reminder that something is majorly wrong with me, and that it's so damn difficult to treat. I just keep thinking, "Is this really happening? It's really this serious? I'M going through this?" It's rarely not on my mind to some degree, constantly feeling like crap, but being there screams TUMORS and not just that I'm a little sick.
...
Now I'm just deciding if I'm going to take a nap until (or perhaps through) supper, or if I'll stay up. I did get about 4 hours of sleep last night, plus an hour of disjointed sleep inside the machine, but I'm still constantly tired. My sleep schedule is still off, but I've been sleeping what should be enough. Part of it is the headache medicine, I'm sure, but the rest....? I want to stay up, but I'll end up crashing eventually, anyway. Yeah...I'll probably sleep for a bit.
Thanks for reading :)!
-B
It all went well enough. My mom wrote that my appointment was at 10:45AM, when, in fact, it was at 11:15AM, but wanted me there at 10:45AM to register and all of that. I got there at 10:20AM and waited about an hour before being taken back. I was comfortable enough inside the machine. I was able to breathe, which was my main concern going in. My head was encased to keep me from moving, and the headphones smashed my ears some. I wasn't impressed with the music selection, but it was nice to have something help drown out the noise of the giant magnet spinning around me. All of the people were really nice, and the student did a good job administering the IV contrast dye. The technician was about to do it, but I offered to let the student go. I'm not squeamish, and needles don't bother me. I do alright with pain, too, so it wouldn't have been a big deal if she messed up. She did a great job, though--I barely felt it. The bandage hurt worse. I like giving students a chance to practice on me when it's something simple like IVs. I'd rather not have them do much operating on me, but I'm happy to help them learn.
...
Every time I walk into that part of the hospital (the cancer center), I get really bummed out. The people are all nice, and it's set up very well, lit properly...the tone is perfect...but I just can't get over the fact that I'm there because I have tumors in my head. Everyone else that's there has something serious going on, too. I'm lucky that my stuff isn't cancerous, but it's still pretty bad. It's easier not to think too much about it all on a day to day basis, but when I'm right there, in the CANCER CENTER, it's hard to ignore. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy it exists, so that I can get the care I need, but it's this huge reminder that something is majorly wrong with me, and that it's so damn difficult to treat. I just keep thinking, "Is this really happening? It's really this serious? I'M going through this?" It's rarely not on my mind to some degree, constantly feeling like crap, but being there screams TUMORS and not just that I'm a little sick.
...
Now I'm just deciding if I'm going to take a nap until (or perhaps through) supper, or if I'll stay up. I did get about 4 hours of sleep last night, plus an hour of disjointed sleep inside the machine, but I'm still constantly tired. My sleep schedule is still off, but I've been sleeping what should be enough. Part of it is the headache medicine, I'm sure, but the rest....? I want to stay up, but I'll end up crashing eventually, anyway. Yeah...I'll probably sleep for a bit.
Thanks for reading :)!
-B
MRI today...
So I'll be in the MRI machine for awhile today. Once scan, alone, will take 3 hours, and I have a few I'm getting done. Fun, fun, fun!...or something. It's not too bad, really, but that's a long time to lie still. Hopefully I'll be able to breathe out of my nose. It would really suck if not. I'm just going to try to sleep. I usually do OK that way. I'm pretty sure I'll be in the IU Cancer Center Radiology Dept., and they have music, so that should help.
They'll just be looking at tumor stuff, getting some up to date images. I'll see one of my regular neurosurgeons (he operated on the tumor last year) next week, then a couple of new guys the week after. Since Phoenix dicked me over, we'll be working on Plan B. This MRI will be taking a closer look at my chiari malformation (basically my brain hangs too low in the back). I saw on an episode of House awhile ago that a guy with a chiari malformation had some issues with losing consciousness when he was in certain positions and figured it'd be worth getting a closer look at mine. I realize that House is a fictional TV show, but we hadn't really explored the chiari stuff in any depth, so we'll check it out with the scan today. Also, I've had some swollen lymph nodes in my neck for awhile (biopsy came back clean), and if anything looks wrong with them, we can remove any offending tissue. So there's a lot of information to be gathered. They usually give me a copy of the scans if I ask, and I will ask again, so as long as my PC cooperates and reads the disc, I'll post any particularly cool images sometime soon.
I'm not worried at all about any of it. I'm mainly worried about being somewhat comfortable in the machine. I should be alright as long as I can breathe. And if not, well, too bad, I guess.
Happy Friday!
-B
They'll just be looking at tumor stuff, getting some up to date images. I'll see one of my regular neurosurgeons (he operated on the tumor last year) next week, then a couple of new guys the week after. Since Phoenix dicked me over, we'll be working on Plan B. This MRI will be taking a closer look at my chiari malformation (basically my brain hangs too low in the back). I saw on an episode of House awhile ago that a guy with a chiari malformation had some issues with losing consciousness when he was in certain positions and figured it'd be worth getting a closer look at mine. I realize that House is a fictional TV show, but we hadn't really explored the chiari stuff in any depth, so we'll check it out with the scan today. Also, I've had some swollen lymph nodes in my neck for awhile (biopsy came back clean), and if anything looks wrong with them, we can remove any offending tissue. So there's a lot of information to be gathered. They usually give me a copy of the scans if I ask, and I will ask again, so as long as my PC cooperates and reads the disc, I'll post any particularly cool images sometime soon.
I'm not worried at all about any of it. I'm mainly worried about being somewhat comfortable in the machine. I should be alright as long as I can breathe. And if not, well, too bad, I guess.
Happy Friday!
-B
Thursday, October 7, 2010
SSI Phone Interview done...
Well, that's that...for now. The lady who called from SSI was nice. She knew how to do her job and was sympathetic (though that probably won't help me since she's not part of the decision). She did get a bit sick of me after 90 minutes...lol She was asking about all of my doctors and tests and medicines, and, well, I have (had) a bunch of those. I still have some stuff to submit online, and a few forms to mail out, but I'm in the system and this new application is rolling. Because my eyes messed up before I was 22 and I didn't work enough to get SSA (retirement) benefits, I might be able to go by my parents' work histories. I had my mom's info (she was in the other room), but she found my dad's stuff for me. I'm sure I'll have more stuff to fill out, but I should hear something about this application in a few months.
If I get this one approved, that can only help my pending appeal, I'd think. Plus I'd have some money coming in while I wait to get back pay from the denial that I'm appealing. It's still a ridiculous process, but I'm trying.
My voice is almost gone, my eyes still hurt, and I'm a bit extra woozy from all of this. I ended up not needing to do most of what I did yesterday (at least not for the phone thing today), but it was all useful to have done it. It sucks that I did all of that and don't feel good because of it now when I didn't need it today, though. Oh well.
My cat wouldn't leave me alone. I kept having to shoo her away. And people kept calling in. When there's call waiting, my phone doesn't beep, it gives some weird static noise and I can't hear the call I'm already on. It's very annoying. I didn't want to turn call waiting off in case the doctor called for my mom. She had her routine blood drawing this morning, and if something comes up fishy, they'll call her to tell her what to do. And, of course, I forgot some things upstairs and had to go back to get those. I get horrible reception up here, and she couldn't hear me. That's about when she started getting antsy to finish. To be fair, I did warn her about the phone. ;)
At least that part is done. We'll see how it goes. Hopefully someone with common sense gets my file this time. Even if it goes through, I'll still be poor, but I won't be quite so broke. It'll be nice to have a couple bucks. I already have a long list of stuff I need, like medicine and clothes and a phone.
Thanks for all of your support! I really appreciate it! Thanks for reading this! Spread the word! :P
Happy Thursday (it is Thursday, right?)!
-B
If I get this one approved, that can only help my pending appeal, I'd think. Plus I'd have some money coming in while I wait to get back pay from the denial that I'm appealing. It's still a ridiculous process, but I'm trying.
My voice is almost gone, my eyes still hurt, and I'm a bit extra woozy from all of this. I ended up not needing to do most of what I did yesterday (at least not for the phone thing today), but it was all useful to have done it. It sucks that I did all of that and don't feel good because of it now when I didn't need it today, though. Oh well.
My cat wouldn't leave me alone. I kept having to shoo her away. And people kept calling in. When there's call waiting, my phone doesn't beep, it gives some weird static noise and I can't hear the call I'm already on. It's very annoying. I didn't want to turn call waiting off in case the doctor called for my mom. She had her routine blood drawing this morning, and if something comes up fishy, they'll call her to tell her what to do. And, of course, I forgot some things upstairs and had to go back to get those. I get horrible reception up here, and she couldn't hear me. That's about when she started getting antsy to finish. To be fair, I did warn her about the phone. ;)
At least that part is done. We'll see how it goes. Hopefully someone with common sense gets my file this time. Even if it goes through, I'll still be poor, but I won't be quite so broke. It'll be nice to have a couple bucks. I already have a long list of stuff I need, like medicine and clothes and a phone.
Thanks for all of your support! I really appreciate it! Thanks for reading this! Spread the word! :P
Happy Thursday (it is Thursday, right?)!
-B
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
New SSI application...
My lawyer advised me to start a new SSI application. This is in case the current case gets denied (again) as well as hoping that the new case goes through right away and I start getting paid sooner. I forgot how tedious this all was. Among other things, I have to list all of my doctor appointments, tests, and doctor/hospital/clinic info. I'm far from done, and have over 150 appointments/tests listed. I've seen at least 40 doctors. I've spent 5 hours on this already today, mainly looking through my previous application (on CD) and getting the info from there. They're calling me tomorrow to interview me. I forget what they'll ask, but it's just basic stuff to start off with, I think.
*EPIPHANY*
Maybe the reason I keep getting denied is that I'm apparently well enough to fill out the damn application. Hmmm....is there a way I can not fill it out and still get everything accounted for?
My eyes are hurting now, and I'm a bit extra woozy from all of the reading and head motion. And I'm still not done. Argh.
I'm really sick of this whole process. Why can't they just talk to my doctors and maybe have some of their own poke and prod and observe me for awhile? Wouldn't that be easier for everyone? Filling out this application is making me feel worse! Blah.
I was hoping to get some of this done over the weekend, but I've not felt great, or have I slept well. And I've had some killer headaches, which haven't helped anything. It's been a little better today, but they've not gone completely away. C'est la vie...
-B
*EPIPHANY*
Maybe the reason I keep getting denied is that I'm apparently well enough to fill out the damn application. Hmmm....is there a way I can not fill it out and still get everything accounted for?
My eyes are hurting now, and I'm a bit extra woozy from all of the reading and head motion. And I'm still not done. Argh.
I'm really sick of this whole process. Why can't they just talk to my doctors and maybe have some of their own poke and prod and observe me for awhile? Wouldn't that be easier for everyone? Filling out this application is making me feel worse! Blah.
I was hoping to get some of this done over the weekend, but I've not felt great, or have I slept well. And I've had some killer headaches, which haven't helped anything. It's been a little better today, but they've not gone completely away. C'est la vie...
-B
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
I Think of You...(poem)
I Think of You...
I think of you when the wind blows,
And too, when it is still.
I want to give you everything
That your heart could ever will.
I want to hold you on a pier
Overlooking the setting sun
Over the blue-green ocean in a place
Of which only you and I know.
I want to show you falling leaves,
Tell you that I’m falling, too,
Give you a zillion rainbows
And see you smile your wonderful smile.
I think of you whenever I can,
And can’t, and always do.
I want to touch you again,
But for only the first time, forever.
I want to show you Paris,
For when I was there,
I missed you and your kiss,
Though I didn’t know you but did.
Be at my side, starting before time began.
You already are, sometimes, forever, if only in my heart.
I think of you when the wind blows,
And it’s always blowing somewhere,
Like it always has, like now, in my heart.
Is it blowing in yours, too?
Is it blowing around and around,
Making you feel strangely good?
I loved you before I saw you,
Before I knew who you were.
I want to be with you always,
Loving you, doing for you,
Making me happy by keeping you happy,
As I would so eagerly do.
I think of you when the wind blows,
And it is blowing now.
I want to love you forever,
Let me show you how.
I wrote this for/about a girl my senior year of high school. It didn't help my chances with her, but people seem to have liked it. I'm hoping to convert it into a song at some point, too, but I keep getting stuck. I do have a couple things in mind, though. Enjoy :)
Monday, October 4, 2010
Colts lost...doc today...
Well, the Colts lost yesterday. Tackling was a big issue. So was ball security. Then the Jaguars kicker hits a 59 yard FG to win it. I'm not overly worried about the season, but being 0-2 in the division isn't ideal. We'll be alright, I think.
I saw my ENT doc today. It was just a follow-up to check on some swollen lymph nodes. They were biopsied last time, and everything was fine, but they're still a bit enlarged. They doctor isn't worried about them, so neither am I. If anything fishy is going on, it should show up on the MRI I'm having done on Friday for the tumor stuff. We're not expecting anything, but they could go in and remove the nodes if something looks too crazy on the scans. No biggie. This appointment was timed well, too, because of the extra congestion and nose bleeds I'm dealing with. He told me to just use some Bacitracin ointment to help heal up things and I should be fine. We discussed some different nasal sprays to help with the congestion and drainage, but they all dry me out pretty badly, so we'll stick with the status quo there. Too, depending on how it may affect tumor treatment, I'll probably have my deviated septum fixed soon. My nose is pretty jacked up. It's a fairly simple outpatient procedure. The hope is that it'll help with my breathing. It's especially difficult when I'm in bed. I'm happy with how the appointment went.
My sleep is still way off. I'm tired all the time. And the headaches are getting a little worse, but I can't handle taking that medicine twice a day. I don't know if the last couple weeks are still catching up with me or what. It's not like I have a lot to do and my work is being affected or anything, but it is annoying that I'm always so tired. I do have a few things that I could do (and want to do) to be productive. Plus, I already feel bad enough with the wooziness. Enh...I don't know. I just cleaned my humidifier and have it running now. Hopefully that'll help.
That's it for now. I think I'm going to try to catch up on some TV tonight. If I'm feeling OK, I'm hoping to post again later on, more of a stand alone piece about a yet-to-be-determined topic. If there's anything you want to know or if there's any particular subject you'd like to hear my take on, let me know and I'll see what I can do.
-B
I saw my ENT doc today. It was just a follow-up to check on some swollen lymph nodes. They were biopsied last time, and everything was fine, but they're still a bit enlarged. They doctor isn't worried about them, so neither am I. If anything fishy is going on, it should show up on the MRI I'm having done on Friday for the tumor stuff. We're not expecting anything, but they could go in and remove the nodes if something looks too crazy on the scans. No biggie. This appointment was timed well, too, because of the extra congestion and nose bleeds I'm dealing with. He told me to just use some Bacitracin ointment to help heal up things and I should be fine. We discussed some different nasal sprays to help with the congestion and drainage, but they all dry me out pretty badly, so we'll stick with the status quo there. Too, depending on how it may affect tumor treatment, I'll probably have my deviated septum fixed soon. My nose is pretty jacked up. It's a fairly simple outpatient procedure. The hope is that it'll help with my breathing. It's especially difficult when I'm in bed. I'm happy with how the appointment went.
My sleep is still way off. I'm tired all the time. And the headaches are getting a little worse, but I can't handle taking that medicine twice a day. I don't know if the last couple weeks are still catching up with me or what. It's not like I have a lot to do and my work is being affected or anything, but it is annoying that I'm always so tired. I do have a few things that I could do (and want to do) to be productive. Plus, I already feel bad enough with the wooziness. Enh...I don't know. I just cleaned my humidifier and have it running now. Hopefully that'll help.
That's it for now. I think I'm going to try to catch up on some TV tonight. If I'm feeling OK, I'm hoping to post again later on, more of a stand alone piece about a yet-to-be-determined topic. If there's anything you want to know or if there's any particular subject you'd like to hear my take on, let me know and I'll see what I can do.
-B
Sunday, October 3, 2010
ND 31 BC 13
Today was alright. My sleep's still off, and I was too woozy to shower or do much of anything that I wanted, but it's been much worse. I caught up on a lot of TV, but still have a lot more to watch. Most importantly, Notre Dame won! It's especially nice to beat Boston College. The defense played well. The offense looked good in the first quarter, then...I don't know. I'll take a win any way it comes. Up next is Pitt, then I'll be going up to the Western Michigan game the following week. Who else will be there for WMU? It'll be my first time back to campus since the 2002 Pitt game, and it'd be nice to see a few familiar faces. Once I know the itinerary, I'll let you know, but the tentative plan is to get there Saturday morning.
That pretty much rounds out my report for today. My last post wasn't even 8 hours ago, but I did want to get back in the habit of writing these before I go to bed. There's not too much on the agenda for Sunday. My mom's friend is having a little party for my mom in the afternoon. If I'm feeling alright, I'll go to that. The Colts play at 4PM, so I'll catch that. I have a legal questionnaire I need to finish, as well as some SSI phone interview preparation (mainly just getting my info together). For the SSI stuff, I'm filing a new claim in case the old one doesn't pan out. There's a chance the new one will get approved before the old one is resolved, so I'd be getting some money sooner. Or it could be another long, painful mess that begins shortly. We'll see.
I was thinking about talking about something else this time, perhaps how I'm so disillusioned by the political process (brought on after watching Real Time with Bill Maher), but now my eyes hurt....grrr...maybe another time.
Happy Sunday, Go Colts, and thanks to all who read and comment :)!
-B
That pretty much rounds out my report for today. My last post wasn't even 8 hours ago, but I did want to get back in the habit of writing these before I go to bed. There's not too much on the agenda for Sunday. My mom's friend is having a little party for my mom in the afternoon. If I'm feeling alright, I'll go to that. The Colts play at 4PM, so I'll catch that. I have a legal questionnaire I need to finish, as well as some SSI phone interview preparation (mainly just getting my info together). For the SSI stuff, I'm filing a new claim in case the old one doesn't pan out. There's a chance the new one will get approved before the old one is resolved, so I'd be getting some money sooner. Or it could be another long, painful mess that begins shortly. We'll see.
I was thinking about talking about something else this time, perhaps how I'm so disillusioned by the political process (brought on after watching Real Time with Bill Maher), but now my eyes hurt....grrr...maybe another time.
Happy Sunday, Go Colts, and thanks to all who read and comment :)!
-B
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