*Sigh*...

I've been down the last while. I've not felt great, which is a big factor. There's a bit of a letdown after a good stretch of fun stuff (UFC in town, going out with friends, making it back up to ND, etc.), then getting back to just sitting here. I have a weird, nervous vibe about this radiosurgery treatment...happy to do something, unsure if it'll work, worried it'll do more harm than good, sad that I need it at all. Mom's starting her stupid shit again. I'm not surprised, it's past due. And, of course, she has to fuck with me right as I'm in this weird place with the radiation stuff. I'm just tired of everything...being sick, not able to do much, being broke, being stuck here, actually being tired...just everything.

There's very little that I like about my life. The couple things that I do like get all muddled in with everything else because I'm sick, so I can't enjoy them for long, if at all. I have a good time at the UFC press conference, then I almost pass out and need help getting back into a chair and then out of the building. I enjoy some food and almost choke on it. I have a great time going back to Notre Dame, then can't do much of anything for the next week and a half (so far). My little ones come over, but I have to go back to bed because I don't feel good. And on and on...

And now my Internet connection is in jeopardy again. If it were just a matter of money, then I'd understand. I don't expect my mom to pay for it, and I'm appreciative that she's taken care of it the last while. A little notice that it might be getting shut off would be nice, and more than just the day before. But that's a bit moot, because she might kill it out of spite. She's pissed at me for no good reason because she won't listen to me. So I don't know what's going on there. The kicker is that if she doesn't want me to have Internet service, then I can't have it, whether I come up with the money or not. You can only have one cable account per household, and it's in her name. I don't know what I'll do if I can't get online. My already pathetic social life will dry up almost completely. It'll take me just a couple days to run out of stuff to do. I don't know...I might just stay in bed 20 hours a day. That's about how I feel most of the time, anyway.

I hate having so little control over my life. I can't do this because I'm too woozy. I can't do that because I can't see. This costs money I don't have. That's too far away and I can't get a ride. And if it's not the wooziness or my eyes, then it's my sinuses or my lungs or headaches or a queasy stomach. I'm sick of feeling like shit all the time.

Why do I have to fight for everything??? I don't mind working for stuff, but why must I have to fight? I have to fight to stay conscious, to stay upright. I have to fight with mom over stupid shit because she's ridiculous. I have to fight with my computer because it messes up for no reason. I have to fight with myself not to cry. I have to fight with myself to cry. I have to fight to remember to do stuff. I have to fight to get SSI. I have to fight to get out of bed. I have to fight to get to sleep. I have to fight to stay focused. I'm tired of fighting, I just want to live.

If there are such things as karma and reincarnation, either I must have been a real bastard in a previous life, or I'm due for some good times. Hopefully it's the latter, and I'm ready now.

Sigh...
-B

P.S.
I'll get to the stuff I've been promising when I can. Please continue to be patient. Thanks :)