*Sigh*...

I've been down the last while. I've not felt great, which is a big factor. There's a bit of a letdown after a good stretch of fun stuff (UFC in town, going out with friends, making it back up to ND, etc.), then getting back to just sitting here. I have a weird, nervous vibe about this radiosurgery treatment...happy to do something, unsure if it'll work, worried it'll do more harm than good, sad that I need it at all. Mom's starting her stupid shit again. I'm not surprised, it's past due. And, of course, she has to fuck with me right as I'm in this weird place with the radiation stuff. I'm just tired of everything...being sick, not able to do much, being broke, being stuck here, actually being tired...just everything.

There's very little that I like about my life. The couple things that I do like get all muddled in with everything else because I'm sick, so I can't enjoy them for long, if at all. I have a good time at the UFC press conference, then I almost pass out and need help getting back into a chair and then out of the building. I enjoy some food and almost choke on it. I have a great time going back to Notre Dame, then can't do much of anything for the next week and a half (so far). My little ones come over, but I have to go back to bed because I don't feel good. And on and on...

And now my Internet connection is in jeopardy again. If it were just a matter of money, then I'd understand. I don't expect my mom to pay for it, and I'm appreciative that she's taken care of it the last while. A little notice that it might be getting shut off would be nice, and more than just the day before. But that's a bit moot, because she might kill it out of spite. She's pissed at me for no good reason because she won't listen to me. So I don't know what's going on there. The kicker is that if she doesn't want me to have Internet service, then I can't have it, whether I come up with the money or not. You can only have one cable account per household, and it's in her name. I don't know what I'll do if I can't get online. My already pathetic social life will dry up almost completely. It'll take me just a couple days to run out of stuff to do. I don't know...I might just stay in bed 20 hours a day. That's about how I feel most of the time, anyway.

I hate having so little control over my life. I can't do this because I'm too woozy. I can't do that because I can't see. This costs money I don't have. That's too far away and I can't get a ride. And if it's not the wooziness or my eyes, then it's my sinuses or my lungs or headaches or a queasy stomach. I'm sick of feeling like shit all the time.

Why do I have to fight for everything??? I don't mind working for stuff, but why must I have to fight? I have to fight to stay conscious, to stay upright. I have to fight with mom over stupid shit because she's ridiculous. I have to fight with my computer because it messes up for no reason. I have to fight with myself not to cry. I have to fight with myself to cry. I have to fight to remember to do stuff. I have to fight to get SSI. I have to fight to get out of bed. I have to fight to get to sleep. I have to fight to stay focused. I'm tired of fighting, I just want to live.

If there are such things as karma and reincarnation, either I must have been a real bastard in a previous life, or I'm due for some good times. Hopefully it's the latter, and I'm ready now.

Sigh...
-B

P.S.
I'll get to the stuff I've been promising when I can. Please continue to be patient. Thanks :)

A little news, and a poem...

I don't have much to report for today. I did get those doctor appointments made. I am, in fact, scheduled to spend most of a day in an MRI machine in the near future. One scan alone is set to take 3 hours. Fun. Other than that, I didn't sleep well or much. I was online a bit. I caught up on some TV. I chatted a lot and had a particularly enjoyable and long couple chats with one person in particular. That was nice, despite the technical difficulties. I used the Google phone service, which works very well. I hope they keep that free. My cat caught a mouse and wouldn't let me take it from her. I held her back while my step-dad disposed of it. I ate BBQ ribs for supper. They were good. I felt a little icky today, probably from yesterday's flu shot, or maybe just because. It wasn't too bad.

I'm not sure how long I'll have an Internet connection, or when I'll be able to get it back should I lose it. It should be on until Saturday, at least. I can't be too upset about losing it since I haven't given my mom any money for it in awhile. I haven't really had it, but she hasn't asked for it, either (and she's not afraid to ask for it). I am a bit miffed at the lack of notice, though. The cable TV is danger, as well, and if it goes, there will be no TV watching here until it's back on. We don't have any converter boxes. Should that happen, I'll run out of stuff to do in a few days. I have some movies I haven't watched yet, and a few things on my computer I've been meaning to get to, but without the Internet or TV, I'm down to very, very few options. It would probably mean lots of Minesweeper and Sudoku for me. Hopefully we can figure something out. It would be awesome if I could get enough ad revenue from this blog to pay for my Internet service. I'm not sure how reasonable that is, and it's not at all feasible for my current situation, but it would be nice.

Since this post was light on details and a bit boring, I figured I'd add a poem I wrote to help even it out. Some of you have seen it (it's in a Facebook note), but I like it and hope you do, too. It's not about anyone in particular, and I wrote it my 4th or 5th year at ND, so around 2001. I was inspired a bit looking across the mall food court in South Bend and seeing a pretty girl, knowing how I was too shy to approach her (or any girl in a similar situation).

Shy
by: Brent Lee Smith

There she is, sitting over there

        Perfect body, lovely smile, long brown hair

Man, would I like to get with her

        Just think of all the good times that could occur

I need to go talk to her, I really should

        I'd really like to, but I don't think I could

You see, I'm the kind of guy

        Who'll love you all my life

                But I probably won't approach you

                        I'm just too shy

Why can't she come over here?

        I just want to have her near

I'd give her all of me if I had the chance

        Our love could be such a beautiful dance

Baby, I see my kids with you as their mother

        I could never ever love any another

Can't you see me looking at you

        Wondering what you'd like to do

I want to come over, tell you I need you

        Provide it all for you, clothe you and feed you

Oh my God, you're getting up

        And you're gonna pass me by

I should say something to you

        But I'm just too shy