I've been down the last while. I've not felt great, which is a big factor. There's a bit of a letdown after a good stretch of fun stuff (UFC in town, going out with friends, making it back up to ND, etc.), then getting back to just sitting here. I have a weird, nervous vibe about this radiosurgery treatment...happy to do something, unsure if it'll work, worried it'll do more harm than good, sad that I need it at all. Mom's starting her stupid shit again. I'm not surprised, it's past due. And, of course, she has to fuck with me right as I'm in this weird place with the radiation stuff. I'm just tired of everything...being sick, not able to do much, being broke, being stuck here, actually being tired...just everything.
There's very little that I like about my life. The couple things that I do like get all muddled in with everything else because I'm sick, so I can't enjoy them for long, if at all. I have a good time at the UFC press conference, then I almost pass out and need help getting back into a chair and then out of the building. I enjoy some food and almost choke on it. I have a great time going back to Notre Dame, then can't do much of anything for the next week and a half (so far). My little ones come over, but I have to go back to bed because I don't feel good. And on and on...
And now my Internet connection is in jeopardy again. If it were just a matter of money, then I'd understand. I don't expect my mom to pay for it, and I'm appreciative that she's taken care of it the last while. A little notice that it might be getting shut off would be nice, and more than just the day before. But that's a bit moot, because she might kill it out of spite. She's pissed at me for no good reason because she won't listen to me. So I don't know what's going on there. The kicker is that if she doesn't want me to have Internet service, then I can't have it, whether I come up with the money or not. You can only have one cable account per household, and it's in her name. I don't know what I'll do if I can't get online. My already pathetic social life will dry up almost completely. It'll take me just a couple days to run out of stuff to do. I don't know...I might just stay in bed 20 hours a day. That's about how I feel most of the time, anyway.
I hate having so little control over my life. I can't do this because I'm too woozy. I can't do that because I can't see. This costs money I don't have. That's too far away and I can't get a ride. And if it's not the wooziness or my eyes, then it's my sinuses or my lungs or headaches or a queasy stomach. I'm sick of feeling like shit all the time.
Why do I have to fight for everything??? I don't mind working for stuff, but why must I have to fight? I have to fight to stay conscious, to stay upright. I have to fight with mom over stupid shit because she's ridiculous. I have to fight with my computer because it messes up for no reason. I have to fight with myself not to cry. I have to fight with myself to cry. I have to fight to remember to do stuff. I have to fight to get SSI. I have to fight to get out of bed. I have to fight to get to sleep. I have to fight to stay focused. I'm tired of fighting, I just want to live.
If there are such things as karma and reincarnation, either I must have been a real bastard in a previous life, or I'm due for some good times. Hopefully it's the latter, and I'm ready now.
Sigh...
-B
P.S.
I'll get to the stuff I've been promising when I can. Please continue to be patient. Thanks :)
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
Grrrrr....
I haven't felt up to writing much today, either. I was planning on going to the Pacers Fan Jam thing, but that didn't work out. It was a rather crappy day as far as being tired and woozy and just sick. I was up for a couple hours this afternoon, then napped until after 9PM. I've been up since, but mainly because I don't want to be in bed. It's just one of those days.
I do that radiation prep work in a few hours. I'm hoping to be able to shower beforehand. I may lie down for a little bit, too, but we'll see. I might just try to stay up so I can fall asleep during the scans. I'm not sure, but I could find out the exact timetable and plan for the actual treatment, too. They should know soon, anyway, and I'll be sure to relay the info.
I've got mixed feelings about it all. I'm happy to finally be doing something, especially after basically wasting a year dealing with the fuckers in Phoenix (administrative bitches...the actual medical staff was fine). I'm still not big on doing radiation, though, but that's the consensus for what to do next. My biggest issue is just the unknown. Will it work? Will it help? Will it make things worse? How long will results take? Will I feel any better? What if the damage already done is permanent? Will I really have to deal with this shit the rest of my life? I'd have those same questions regardless of the treatment, but this one just takes longer to answer them. I do like being proactive and attacking it, though.
We'll see how I feel once I'm home and all that, and I'll try to give more details about everything, plus talk about the other stuff that I've yet to be able to get to. Hopefully I'll feel better and will be in a bit of a better mood. I'm just sick of being sick and not being able to do even simple things that I want to do. Thanks for sticking with me and I'll do my best to keep you apprised of what's going on.
-B
I do that radiation prep work in a few hours. I'm hoping to be able to shower beforehand. I may lie down for a little bit, too, but we'll see. I might just try to stay up so I can fall asleep during the scans. I'm not sure, but I could find out the exact timetable and plan for the actual treatment, too. They should know soon, anyway, and I'll be sure to relay the info.
I've got mixed feelings about it all. I'm happy to finally be doing something, especially after basically wasting a year dealing with the fuckers in Phoenix (administrative bitches...the actual medical staff was fine). I'm still not big on doing radiation, though, but that's the consensus for what to do next. My biggest issue is just the unknown. Will it work? Will it help? Will it make things worse? How long will results take? Will I feel any better? What if the damage already done is permanent? Will I really have to deal with this shit the rest of my life? I'd have those same questions regardless of the treatment, but this one just takes longer to answer them. I do like being proactive and attacking it, though.
We'll see how I feel once I'm home and all that, and I'll try to give more details about everything, plus talk about the other stuff that I've yet to be able to get to. Hopefully I'll feel better and will be in a bit of a better mood. I'm just sick of being sick and not being able to do even simple things that I want to do. Thanks for sticking with me and I'll do my best to keep you apprised of what's going on.
-B
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Hopefully later today...
I still have lots to update you on, but I still don't feel up to writing about it all right now. It's been more of a tired thing than a woozy thing lately. Blah...
The biggest news, and I really, really hope to get into it in more depth in a few hours after resting, is that I'll have radiosurgery (focused radiation over a few treatments--perhaps just one--instead of blanket radiation over a longer period of time) VERY soon. I go Monday to get a scan or two done, plus I'll have a mask fitted. Those will help to tell the machine where to zap me. I'm not sure how long after that's done that I'll actually go in for treatment, but it will be within the next couple weeks, and possibly later this week. I'm excited to get that going, but still a little worried that it won't work or that it might damage healthy tissue, but there's a risk with anything we'd try to get this damn thing smaller (and eventually completely out, hopefully). It's the best course of action at this stage, and something's gotta be done. We'll see... The plan is to give more details next time, but I wanted to at least mention it now in case I can't expand on everything before I go in Monday.
There's other stuff, too, that I want to talk about, like meeting a college friend for dinner and the UFC that just happened, so that's in the works, too.
And I'm crashing pretty good now, so I'm off to bed here after I wash up and brush my teeth. I know I've not been posting as much lately, but thanks for sticking with me and for reading. I'll get back on track here once I feel a little better.
-B
The biggest news, and I really, really hope to get into it in more depth in a few hours after resting, is that I'll have radiosurgery (focused radiation over a few treatments--perhaps just one--instead of blanket radiation over a longer period of time) VERY soon. I go Monday to get a scan or two done, plus I'll have a mask fitted. Those will help to tell the machine where to zap me. I'm not sure how long after that's done that I'll actually go in for treatment, but it will be within the next couple weeks, and possibly later this week. I'm excited to get that going, but still a little worried that it won't work or that it might damage healthy tissue, but there's a risk with anything we'd try to get this damn thing smaller (and eventually completely out, hopefully). It's the best course of action at this stage, and something's gotta be done. We'll see... The plan is to give more details next time, but I wanted to at least mention it now in case I can't expand on everything before I go in Monday.
There's other stuff, too, that I want to talk about, like meeting a college friend for dinner and the UFC that just happened, so that's in the works, too.
And I'm crashing pretty good now, so I'm off to bed here after I wash up and brush my teeth. I know I've not been posting as much lately, but thanks for sticking with me and for reading. I'll get back on track here once I feel a little better.
-B
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