Remembering...

Words Can't Describe

written 9-17-01

And words cannot describe the way I feel
     I think to myself, "This can't be real"
And yet I wake up every day
     And it wasn't just a dream
Things are worse than they seem,
     But better, too, if you look
People from all over have come together
     In the names of the lives that they took

And tomorrow will come
     And the next day, too
We must be strong, we must go on
     And do the things we do
We must all respect and love
     And learn from this mess
We have to take all that we can from this,
     We must pass this test
We mustn't do what's been done
     We have to be better, we must be strong
It has to come to a close, we must end it all now
     War's no good, peace is needed
Find a way somehow
     To love everyone, despite what they do
Show compassion for your enemies
     Even if they don't do the same for you

I feel so empty inside
     That this could ever happen
No one close to me has died,
     But I think we should all listen
Listen to our hearts, hear the cries for peace
     Do for your son, your daughter, your nephew and your niece
I want to wake up tomorrow,
     And know that there is good
I think I will, I'll see the heroes
     Who're doing more than they should
They risk their lives, without a thought
     So that another one may live
Most of us take and take
     And all they do is give

I cry and cry and wonder why
     And how all this could be
I pray and pray so many times a day
     And still I cannot see
Why it takes a tragedy
     To bring such things to light
We should be grateful for every day
     For God's good grace and might
Love should always be first
     Hate should never be
Keep this in mind every second
     This is my only plea

Don't lash out, be better than that
     For that is what they did
Hold each other, pray together
     We have to show the kids
That no matter what, no matter how,
     No matter who or when
We have to love each other
     For we all carry some sin
In God's eyes, it's all the same,
     One's not worse than another
Don't forget, but do forgive,
     We're all sisters and brothers

I guess I'm going to leave you now
     But please do keep in mind
That I didn't know how much I could see
     Until they the day I went blind
Let this be a lesson to us,
     Let it the last such one be
To teach us to come together
     To love unconditionally
So long, be strong,
     Take care one and all
Don't judge or hold grudge
     And proudly stand tall
Show compassion, show love
     And appreciate our new lease
On life, thank God for it all
       And come together in peace.

-----------------------------------------
I wrote that not a week after the tragedy, a stream-of-consciousness deal.
-----------------------------------------

I was running late for class, not an unusual thing, especially since it was for a class I didn't particularly enjoy. I was riding my bike across campus when a classmate was riding towards me. We stopped, and I asked her why she was going the wrong way. She mentioned something about the World Trade Center (I didn't know what that was) and that class was cancelled. I turned around, happy not to have class, but curious as to what had happened. I got back to my dorm and went to the TV lounge. I asked a little about what was going on, then saw the replay on TV. My heart sank, I was speechless. How could anyone do something like that?!?! It was horrible enough watching the planes crash into the buildings, the WTC, the Pentagon, then hearing about Flight 93. Then they show people JUMPING OUT OF THE BUILDING, from hundreds of feet above the ground. What would I do in that situation? Would I jump? Would I try to wait out the fire? THE BUILDINGS COLLAPSED?!?! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? WAKE UP, BRENT, THIS MUST BE A BAD DREAM! I wasn't sleeping.

 There was a mass on South Quad on campus. I'm not Catholic, but I needed that fellowship, some guidance, some answers. I needed to feel love to offset such a senseless act. After being told of Notre Dame people who died or had lost people, it hit me more. This affects ME. This isn't just cause for sadness for humanity, but sadness for people that have connections to ME. I don't remember the exact words that were said during mass, but I was comforted being around my friends and my Notre Dame family. My faith in people and good somewhat restored. Maybe this heinous cowardice could have some positive effect, bringing us together.

Classes were cancelled, but I still had to work at the Huddle Mart (on campus convenience store in a student union type setup). Across from the store was a TV in the Burger King seating area. Why did they keep replaying those horrible images? Why was everyone still watching? Why wouldn't anyone change the channel or just turn the TV off? How could anyone take seeing that anymore? I think I tried to change the channel, but was rebuked. As much as I couldn't take watching, I didn't want to argue or fight.

I'd ask everyone who walked by or came in the store, "Are you OK? And your family? Did you lose anyone?" Most people were fine, but still shaken by something so immensely tragic. And those who did lose someone or who couldn't get through to family at home, you could see it on their faces. My heart--what was left of it--went out to them.

The Dome is a landmark for incoming air traffic on their way to the South Bend airport, so there are lots of planes that fly over campus. My dorm was just a couple hundred feet from the Dome, so when planes flew over the Dome, they were close to me. Once it resumed, and for at least the next year, I got scared every time I saw or heard a plane fly overhead. Being roughly the same latitude as the Indianapolis airport at home, planes fly over my house often, which gave me chills for awhile, too. If I let myself think about it very long, it still bothers me when I see planes in the sky.

Now, 9 years later, I'm just as heartbroken as I was the day it happened. It makes no more sense to me now than it did then. And there's the aftermath, the backlash, the 2 wars that many of my friends have fought in and are still fighting in. Bin Laden still hasn't been captured (that's not a dig at those on the ground looking for him).

My condolences go out to everyone who lost a loved one, to everyone around the world who saw how evil man can be. My thanks goes to those who sacrificed to saved lives, whether it be in the WTC as it crumbled or Soldier, Sailors, Marines, and Airmen who fought to keep it from happening again.

I'll always remember, that Tuesday in September, no matter how much I'd sometimes like to forget.

GO IRISH! BEAT MICHIGAN!

Today was rather blah. I didn't feel great again. It was mostly wooziness plus some lingering weirdness from yesterday, and the headaches were worse (mainly just more frequent). I napped for a bit last night, then was up until 10AM or so. I thought I was too out of it to shower, but ended up being able to take one or else I'd have been in bed sooner. I'd planned on getting up at 4PM to take my meds, then see how I felt. I still wasn't up to being around and about, so figured I'd sleep until dinner. My parents just fixed themselves breakfast, so didn't call me to eat (which is fine--I don't expect them to cook for me, and I wouldn't have wanted what they made, anyway). I finally got up around 9PM.

I mostly just sat here messing around online, kinda sorta watching college football. The end of the West Virginia/Marshall game was crazy, with WVU coming back, down 15 with 10 minutes to go to tie the game, then winning in OT. They had two 90+ yard TD drives to even the score, which was nuts. After that, Houston/UTEP had a lot of big plays, but I didn't pay as much attention. I was mostly just going through the motions, waiting awhile so I could go back to bed.

After some food and medicine, I felt a little better, so I decided to try and cut my hair. I've been wanting to do that for a couple weeks, and I'm glad I was able to. I just finished, so I'll be hopping in the shower once I'm done posting this. Aside from not wanting to be so scruffy, cutting my hair sometimes helps with the headaches. I realize that even when it's long for me, I still don't have a lot of hair on my head, but there does seem to be relief when it's shorter. That's an added bonus.

ND vs. Michigan is in a few hours, 3:30PM EDT, NBC/nbcsports.com. I'm really not a fan of Michigan, so it'll be extra nice to beat them. I expect a good game, probably fairly high scoring. The key for us is containing their QB, keeping him in the pocket and not letting him run. I think we'll be alright, but it's always hard to predict games in this rivalry. As long as we stay disciplined, take care of the ball, and tackle well, we'll be fine. GO IRISH!

My dad's coming up from KY (outside of Louisville). I haven't seen him since he was in the hospital a couple years ago, though we've talked on the phone. He came up for my surgery last year, but I was already in the OR when he got there and he left before I woke up the next morning (oh, the family drama...but it didn't bother me too much, though it would have been nice to have seen him). We'll be at my cousin's house, I guess, but I'm not sure exactly what the itinerary entails other than watching the rest of the ND game, and possibly the Colts game on Sunday. I'll probably come back home and sleep here, then hook up with them again in the morning/afternoon.

Mom's been in some pain since her procedure, and it seems to be getting worse. It's looking like she's going to go back to the hospital this (Saturday) morning. She should be OK, but please keep the good vibes coming. Another reason I'd want to come home would be to check on her, and should she and my step-dad still be at the hospital, to take care of the pets. It'll just be easier to be on top of the situation.

GO IRISH!! MUCK FICHIGAN!
-B

Not bad, not great...

I didn't feel super great today, but it wasn't too bad. I saw my therapist, which was cool. I dig what he has to say, but some of his suggestions are hard to follow because I don't feel good (which he gets). I have some laundry going as I write this, so there was productivity. I'll chalk it up as a W that way...plus, I got out of the house.

Though feeling relatively OK, I do feel a rather off. It's different than the usual wooziness, though that's still there, plus I'm been more tired than I should be. It's a lot like being on some weird medicine, but I've not taken anything different. I don't know, maybe it's the weather changing or my recent activity catching up to me or if it's just one of those days...whatever it is, hopefully it goes away. Or maybe it's just because it's ND vs. Michigan this week ;).

I watched the Saints/Vikings game. While excited for football, it was a little hard to get into feeling as I did, plus I had no rooting interest. I don't play fantasy football, and it's probably best that I don't with my OCD tendencies. I don't like pulling for guys who don't play for my teams, and, more specifically, I don't like cheering for guys on teams that I dislike (Patriots, Jets, etc.). It's hard enough for me when ND guys are on their rosters. And, of course, there's all the time I'd spend analyzing statistics and all of that, which I'd rather not do. At any rate, the game was good, though you could tell it was the first of the season. Both teams will improve.

Since I watched football, I have the Bellator fights 'recorded' for later. I'll probably get to those shortly after I finish writing this. I'm not sure who's on the card tonight, but I'm always down to see some good combat action. Bellator has mostly up and comers, but hopefully a couple guys will stand out. It'll be hard to top last week's main event, though, which was a very exciting bout.

Hopefully this makes sense, it's hard for me to tell at the moment. Happy Friday and I hope to be more entertaining next time...
-B

Mom's good, so was today...

By yesterday's criteria, today was alright. Mom's procedure went well and she's doing fine, I didn't feel too horrible (though still not good), and I made it to the store. I'll take it.

I wish I would have slept better, as usual. Every time I got comfortable and started dreaming interesting dreams, the phone would ring or there'd be noise outside. I guess that'll just make me more tired when I go to bed here tonight...hopefully. It's been awhile since I've slept that hard, even if for short periods, taking me a second to realize that I was dreaming as I awaken to answer the phone. Again, I'll take it.

I hope to be productive again tomorrow. I have some calls I still need to make, though some I'm not looking forward to (student loan people, for one...yes, I'm still sick, still broke, and still can't pay you). I have the card situation to look into, my room to clean and organize, and a ton of other stuff. The NFL kicks off, and it should be a good game. I'll probably skip the pregame talk--I'm already sick of hearing about Brett Favre and how much the Saints have partied. Before that, I go see my therapist. It's been awhile. He's a good dude (being an ND fan doesn't hurt :D) and gives good advice. That reminds me, I need to write down what I want to talk about. I can't think of any super-pressing matters, but I'm still sick of being sick and stuck and all that, and the last few days have been extra crazy that way. I'm sure I'll think of something I want to talk about as soon as it's too late.

Indy folks: A friend of mine is a coach at Howe, and they just had a fire that destroyed a lot of athletic equipment, and they, like all IPS schools, didn't have it to spare. Insurance won't cover the losses. Howe hosts Tech this Friday night for football, so get on out there and donate a couple bucks if you have it to spare. My buddy's a good dude making a difference in these kids' lives, and any help would go to great use. Game time should be around 7PM.

I thought I had more to say, but whatever that might have been has left me for now. Thanks to all who sent my mom good vibes! It's much appreciated.

Happy Thursday (or whatever day you're reading this),
-B

Another blah day...

I didn't feel good today, either. I napped from 3AM to 6AM, getting up so I could shower. Once my parents were done with the bathroom, I got clean, but wasn't tired. Since I was up, I called my doc's office back, but the nurse I needed to talk to was busy. I started watch a movie, an indie zombie flick, Wasting Away, but it got stupid fast and I watched MacGruber, instead. It was alright, but I expected better. I'd watched The Other Guys before napping, and that was good. Now I see where a few Facebook statuses came from. I saw Robin Hood, too, which was OK. I get what they were trying to do, and it was done fairly well, but I was hoping for more.

I messed around online, chatted a bit, watched some TV, and paid a bill before finally going to bed a little after noon. I'd hoped to sleep well and be refreshed enough to get up for supper. That didn't happen. It took awhile to fall asleep, then I couldn't stay asleep, then the nurse finally called me back once I was asleep. She just wanted to know if I got my meds called into the pharmacy, which I had. I slept through dinner, got another call, lay back down for awhile longer, then finally got up just before 10PM. I heated up supper (spaghetti) and have mostly messed around online from then until now. I'm hoping to go to the store tomorrow, to I looked up some coupons and all that, but didn't find too many deals.

In a few hours, Mom goes back in to finish 'installing' the stint between her liver and bile duct. Other than not wanting to be in the hospital again, she seems OK going in. Hopefully they don't have any problems this time and that she's just a bit sore afterward is all. If it goes well, she'll be home in the afternoon. Please send good vibes her way :). I'm staying home. Sitting around in the hospital won't be the best thing for me the way I've been feeling, plus this is a relatively minor procedure. Too, I'll be here to call the rest of the family if need be, and to answer the phone if/when they call for updates. Hopefully my step-dad gives me those updates--he didn't last time. There wasn't much to say, but it would have been nice to know that she was done with the procedure.

I hope to get a little done tomorrow, too. My room still needs some organizing and cleaning, I have laundry, and I really want to cut my hair. I still need to catalogue my cards, and find a place that'll help me determine what they're worth. And there's other stuff to tend to, as well. I'll be happy if a) Mom's OK, b) I don't feel like crap, and c) I get to the store--highest priority on Mom, of course.

Happy Hump Day: don't catch anything you don't want ;)!
-B

Felt better, but not good...

I felt better today, but not good. I had a couple "zombie moments," one while IMing, which freaked my friend out a little. I didn't really do much...messed around online a little, watched the Boise St./Virginia Tech football game, and chatted some. It was a good game and Boise St. is for real.

Enh...C'est ma vie,
-B

Not a good day...

I felt worse today than I have in a long time. I feel a little better now, but I still feel horrible. Maybe the recent activity (not a lot for most, but more than I'm used to) I've had has caught up to me. Perhaps the changing weather is a factor (different pressure, etc.)...I don't know. I slept fairly well, and long enough, so I don't think that had much to do with it.

Family was to come over for a 6PM dinner, so my plan was to get up at 4PM, take my meds, then try to get caught up on my web browsing before my sibs and their kids arrived. I took my meds, but didn't feel good, so I lay back down with the intent on getting back up whenever someone arrived or when the food was ready. My mom hollered for me, I tried to get up, but couldn't, so I lay there for a bit longer. I realized that it wasn't going to work out for me.

After a few minutes, I gathered myself enough to get dressed so I could at least say, "Hi," to everyone and see my little ones for a sec. They're becoming less and less little every time I see them. I made a quick trip around the house, saying, "Hey," and giving/getting hugs. I made it back to the kitchen and had to sit down--immediately. I was pretty much done at that point. My body was limp, but stiff at the same time--it's hard to explain, but I had little control over it. It feels a lot like getting hit in the head (minus the headache), the body just shuts down. My head slowly made its way to the table, resting on my hands. I sat there with a blank stare at the table, semi-conscious, frustrated, sad that I'd miss time with my beloved little ones. I freaked my 8 year old niece out a bit. I couldn't really talk or move, and probably looked rather zombie-ish. I surely felt it. She got up and went into the other room. My mom and sister tried to talk to me, but it was pointless. I could mostly understand, but couldn't respond. They realized this and let me be.

I eventually got to where I could stand up, but it still took me a bit to be able to make it back up the stairs to my room. I stood there, leaning against the wall, waiting for the strength to make it. I eventually did, and went back to bed. It took a few minutes to get comfortable, to be able to breathe out of my nose. It was hot from the oven's heat rising from the kitchen below me. I had to get up to adjust the fans, which I was barely able to do. It was loud below, my family eating and talking, but I didn't mind so much this time, unlike others when it's unnecessarily boisterous and annoying. Today, it was just frustrating not being able to take part.

I got up around 10PM, my brother, sister, and her 3 kids still here, my other brother and his family gone. Those who were still here were on their way out, though, but I did manage another round of hugs. They left, I ate, then it was back up here to my room. I felt a little better, caught up on some web browsing, and I IMed a little. Then I got woozier, took a break, then came back to the computer.

I didn't really get anything done today. Right now, I really don't care. I am upset that I couldn't hang out with the fam, though. I don't get to see them as much as I'd like, and I'm tired of seeing the kids inches taller in-between visits. The worst part of my situation is how little I can do for and with them. They mostly know me as the kinda-sick uncle who lives with grandma and grandpa, who doesn't do too much, but goes to the Fever games. I guess that's accurate, though, if incomplete.

I recently wrote (was it last time? the time before?) how maybe I prefer days when I can do nothing over days when I can almost do stuff because of the lack of ambiguity when it gets to that point. I've been reminded that feeling like this has no positives, that the clarity isn't worth it. I wish my doctors, those involved in the SSI process, and friend and family who don't believe or aren't quite sure how sick I am could see me when I'm like this instead of when I'm seemingly functional--how I risk falling down the stairs to make it to the bathroom, how much a zombie and I have in common. There'd be much less confusion about how serious my condition is then. I say that not looking for sympathy, but just out of truth and accuracy. Yes, it IS that bad.

I'm really not sure how I've managed to write this much. I've felt worse with each sentence. I guess being a good typist works for me. Hopefully your day was better, and may tomorrow be great for us all!

-B

Notre Dame 23 Purdue 12

GO IRISH! I liked what I saw, for the most part. There were some first game hiccups, but we played hard and executed fairly well. I think Purdue will be much better as the season progresses, too. Seeing the game today, I'd be much more worried about catching them in mid-October. We need to take better care of the ball and tackle better, and we'll be alright. Bring on Michigan next week!

I was expecting there to be a lot more social media stuff going on during the game. It's probably better for me that there wasn't (back and forth between the PC and TV makes me woozy), but it was a little surprising/disappointing that more people weren't commenting. I was very much paying attention to the game, for the record, so no worries there, but I was kinda hoping for a little more back and forth, albeit electronically, during the action. Hopefully most of my ND peeps were in the Stadium and had their phones off :).

Machete is a badass flick! Even when something silly or obvious or cliché was happening, it was still money. Go check it out, you'll be glad you did. Hell, I wouldn't mind watching it again. It was nice hanging with my friend again, as always, and thanks to her for treating. Danny Trejo is a scary dude and was awesome in this movie.

Wow, I really thought I'd have more to say this time. I guess I'm just too tired. It was a good day. ND won, I got out of the house, and saw a great flick with good company. I'll take it. Family's supposed to be coming over tomorrow (later today...Sunday, anyway), and it'll be nice to see my little ones, especially, but also my siblings, should they not flake out.

...And our hearts forever, LOVE THEE NOTRE DAME!!!
-B