All of the activity I've had the last little while is catching up with me. My sleep is still off because I keep crashing at odd (for me) hours, then getting back up at even odder (again, for me) hours. I'll take it, though. I'd rather feel extra out of it because I did something and had a little fun than the usual feeling like crap just because. It has caused me to be a little less diligent keeping this blog up to date, though. I was hoping to cheat a bit and make an extra entry last time by posting the SSI ruling, but then it took me a couple hours to finish it after finding some OCR mistakes and adding my response to the nonsense that the judge wrote. But you're not rid of me yet.... ;)
On top of the usual stuff, and the sleep craziness, I've been extra congested. I hate not being able to breathe out of my nose (not that anyone enjoys it). I've gone on sneezing fits, too, which is rare for me, and my nose keeps bleeding. The extra low humidity recently didn't help. I'm glad it rained today. But the overall changing of weather seems to be getting to me. Or it's just one of those things that happens. The breathing difficulties make the wooziness worse because I'm already lightheaded, then get moreso when I have to work harder to inhale. It's hard to get comfortable to sleep and harder to stay in a position that suits me. Ugh...and so it goes.
I've still gotten out of the house, though. I had (psych) therapy on Thursday. I like how that's going. My therapist is a good guy and a Notre Dame fan, which doesn't hurt. It's nice to feel validated about how I interpret my situation. He gets me to think about things, too, that I may not otherwise want to or maybe just wouldn't have had them come to mind. My step-dad dropped me off, but I had to take the bus back home. Of course, it was late. I hate just standing around waiting. Indy needs to do better with public transportation, but that's not going to happen for awhile, it seems. We'll be lucky if IndyGo (the bus system) doesn't cut back (more) services.
I was up early because of one of my crash naps, and should have gone back to bed for at least a few hours before heading to therapy, but didn't. I started crashing again in the waiting room. Then, after, I had to cook for myself (not complaining about that, btw), and I was hungry, so I couldn't really nap. I saw a friend tweet about a promotion by Scotty's Brewhouse to win tickets to see The Social Network. I copied/pasted his posts (as part of the contest) before I even knew what the deal was and ended up winning (as did a couple hundred people, including my friend). The show was at midnight on Thursday and I was afraid I maybe wouldn't make it. I felt a little better after I ate, then took a quick cat nap while I waited to hear that my friend was on her way to pick me up. That helped, and I was refreshed enough to go, though I was still tired.
The theatre was way up in Noblesville, but it was an easy drive. Having no traffic helped. They showed a silly spoof trailer with people from the restaurant and some local personalities before the movie. I enjoyed it. The movie, itself, was pretty good, too. It was funnier than I expected it to be, but maybe a little less accurate than I anticipated. It's not a documentary, though, and it was entertaining. For those less in the loop about how Facebook was formed and grew, they might think things happened just as they did in the movie, which is maybe a little unfortunate. I don't get the sense that Mark Zuckerberg is that emotionless or friendless in real life. He came off as almost autistic in the movie. It was a good time, though, getting out of the house, hanging with a friend, and catching a flick (for free).
I got home and crashed not long after. There were some fights on, both Bellator and the WEC, but I had to miss them because of the movie. Bellator was delayed until the weekend locally, anyway, because of baseball. So I stayed away from Twitter and sports sites until I could watch the fights on Friday. The WEC card was very entertaining. I enjoyed the action quite a bit. Jose Aldo is ridiculous. The Bellator card was less exciting, but I had a good time watching.
I met a friend downtown Friday afternoon. We became acquainted online a little while ago and this was the first time saw each other in person. She just moved to Indy. It was nice out, and we had a good chat over some tea and then lunch. She's had her own health issues, so we could relate to each other on that level. We talked a bit about what's going on that way, but didn't dwell on it too much because we both know how much of a drag that can be (and not that I mind talking about it with people who care--it's just not the most fun thing in the world to do). We talked about Indy and what it has to offer, and about how she's settling in and all that. I had a good time and it'll be cool to hang out again soon. I hope I'm a good guide to the city.
I napped for a couple hours after I got home and caught up on Twitter and all that, getting up to eat the pizza that we ordered. Then I worked on the SSI post, which was only supposed to take a few minutes. It's ridiculous how long it took me to get it formatted, but I it worked out. I chatted a bit once that was done, then my eyes started to bug me. Part of it is from being out in the bright sun for awhile, some from the reading/writing of the blog post, a bit from the lack of sleep, and, too, from the cooler, dryer weather. I had to cut the chatting short and went to bed. Again, I planned on just sleeping a couple hours, then getting up to shower and all that before going to bed for good. But that didn't work out and I've been up since 9AM or so. I wanted to eat and shower and then go back to bed for awhile, but then I got too woozy to shower, then wasn't tired, then got into catching up on TV that I'd missed. And now, here I am, writing this as I wait for the ND/BC game to start.
It's been a crazy couple weeks with doctor appointments, the UFC, being a little sick, and hanging with friends. The discomfort is worth it, though. I never really feel good, anyway, and if I feel a little extra bad, it's much easier to take after having had a little fun. For anyone thinking, "Well, why can't he work, then?" it's not the same thing. While it's been a lot for me, it's still only been a few hours spread out over a few days, and I wasn't doing anything productive. I almost passed out at the UFC Pre Fight Press Conference last week and I came close to not being able to make it to the movie or to meet my friend on Friday. And, for the most part, I was just sitting around, talking. But I still enjoyed it.
GO IRISH! BEAT EAGLES!
-B
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Ridiculous SSI ruling...
As part of my SSI appeal, I had a hearing with a judge in June. He was in Peoria, IL, so it was done via CCTV. I got the impression that he was very intelligent and figured he'd either see how obvious it was that I couldn't work, or that he'd use his smarts to screw me over and deny me. Of course, he did the latter. Below is the relevant part of his ruling, which I received a couple weeks after the hearing. At least he didn't make me wait forever. I scanned the pages and got the text via OCR. I'm pretty sure I've corrected any errors, and the formatting, aside from some spacing, is the same from the document I received. I highlight particularly ridiculous findings in RED, though. I added my comments in BLUE. This is some crazy shit. He can't have really read my medical info and made these conclusions.
1. The claimant has not engaged in substantial gainful activity since June 21, 2007, the application date (20 CFR 416.971 et seq.).
2. The claimant has the following sever impairments: schwannoma tumor in the jugular foramen, visual disorder, dysthymia, and depression (20 CFR 416.920(e)).
The above impairments cause significant limitations in the claimant’s ability to perform basic work activities.
3. The claimant does not have an impairment or combination of impairments that meets or medically equals one of the listed impairments in 20 CFR Part 404, Subpart P, Appendix 1 (20 CFR 416.920(d), 416.925 and 416.926).
The undersigned considered listing 2.02 governing the loss of visual acuity. In order to meet Listing 2.02, the claimant must have remaining vision in the better eye after best correction of 20/200 or less. There is no evidence in the medical record to suggest that the claimant’s visual acuity in the better eye has deteriorated to satisfy the requirements of Listing 2.02.
The undersigned also considered listing 2.04 governing the loss of visual efficiency. In order to meet Listing 2.04, the claimant must have a visual efficiency of 20 percent or less as determined by kinetic perimetry. The claimant argues that he meets 2.04 and that his doctor has determined that he met Listing 2.04. However, upon review of the medical record of evidence, the claimant’s doctor reported that the claimant’s visual efficiency was 72 % in his right eye and 57% in his left eye which is far from meeting the criteria in Listing 2.04 (Exhibit 15F/1).
*I don't understand any of this or what my doctor wrote. But, apparently, having major blind spots in my central vision isn't a big enough deal. I guess as long as I might see part of something in front of me, that's good enough. I wonder if he'd want me to drive next to him since my vision is, by his standards, within the BMV requirements.
The claimant’s mental impairments, considered singly and in combination, do not meet or medically equal the criteria of listing 12.04. In making this finding, the undersigned has considered whether the "paragraph B" criteria are satisfied. To satisfy the "paragraph B" criteria, the mental impairments must result in at least two of the following: marked restriction of activities of daily living; marked difficulties in maintaining social functioning; marked difficulties in maintaining concentration, persistence, or pace; or repeated episodes of decompensation, each of extended duration. A marked limitation means more than moderate but less than extreme. Repeated episodes of decompensation, each of extended duration, means three episodes within l year, or an average of once every 4 months, each lasting for at least 2 weeks.
In evaluating the claimant’s psychological impairments, the undersigned utilized the technique set forth at 20 CFR 404.1520a and 416.920a. The claimant’s depression causes no more than mild restrictions in activities of daily living, mild difficulties in the ability to maintain social functioning, or moderate deficiencies of concentration, persistence or pace. The claimant is able to maintain personal hygiene and grooming, he lives with his parents, does the laundry, cooks, watches television, pursues social networking on the computer, goes out with friends to watch sporting events at bars, and regularly attends basketball games. The claimant reads, although he tires easily while reading. Based on this, the mental condition fails to satisfy the A and B criteria. Moreover, there is no evidence that even a minimal increase in mental demands or change in the environment would be predicted to cause the claimant to decompensate. Additionally, there is no history of an inability to function outside a highly supportive living arrangement. Finally, there is no evidence that he is completely unable to function outside the area of his home environment. Consequently, the A and C criteria are not at listing level severity.
*I don't know about specific legal definitions or guidelines, but it seems to me that because I'm not a total slob and can shower somewhat regularly (though often not when I want to), that I live with my parents (as opposed to what?), that I do laundry (I have enough clothes to last me awhile, but I still can't always do it when I want to--for instance, I'd prefer to wash my bedding once a week, but that doesn't ever happen), that I feed myself (rarely what I want--I often settle for something simple like a sandwich instead of cooking something more elaborate), that I watch TV (really?!?!), that I'm do social networking online (reading what you're up to and posting a little about my life makes me less sick?), that I go somewhere else to watch TV (well, if watching TV at home is too much...), and going to Fever games in the summer (even if I'm just sitting there, which happens a lot, despite my inclinations to cheer), and because I read, apparently at all (wow), I'm not disabled. Basically, because I function AT ALL, I'm not depressed enough. To hell with feeling hopeless and suicidal (in the past), wondering what the point of doing anything is, and, when I have the tears, crying to myself so sick of the nothingness that my life has become. Fuck it, I can watch TV, I must be alright.
4. After careful consideration of the entire record, the undersigned finds that the claimant has the residual functional capacity to perform light work as defined in 20 CFR 416.967(b) except the claimant is limited to occasional postural activities with no climbing of ladders, ropes, or scaffolds. He must avoid all hazards and can engage in activity only requiring occasional visual functioning (i.e. occasional near and far acuity, field of vision, peripheral acuity, depth perception, and nighttime vision). The claimant is also limited to perform simple and repetitive tasks.
*Standing up is a hazard. "Occasional visual functioning???" So I can do stuff that I only need to see part of the time? What am I suppose to do when I'm unable to see?
In making this finding, the undersigned has considered all symptoms and the extent to which these symptoms can reasonably be accepted as consistent with the objective medical evidence and other evidence, based on the requirements of 20 CFR 416.929 and SSRS 96-4p and 96-7p. The undersigned has also considered opinion evidence in accordance with the requirements of 20 CFR 416.927 and SSRS 96-2p, 96-Sp, 96-6p and 06-3p.
In considering the claimant’s symptoms, the undersigned must follow a two-step process in which it must first be determined whether there is an underlying medically determinable physical or mental impairment--i.e., an impairment that can be shown by medically acceptable clinical and laboratory diagnostic techniques--that could reasonably be expected to produce the claimant's pain or other symptoms. Second, once an underlying physical or mental impairment that could reasonably be expected to produce the claimant's pain or other symptoms has been shown and because a claimant’s symptoms can sometimes suggest a greater level of severity of impairment than can be shown by the objective medical evidence alone, the undersigned must consider in addition to the objective medical evidence when assessing the credibility of the claimant's statements:
1. The claimant's daily activities;
*Next to nothing--little of significance
2. The location, duration, frequency, and intensity of the claimant's pain or other symptoms;
*CONSTANT WOOZINESS/BLINDNESS
3. Factors that precipitate and aggravate the symptoms;
*Being active, looking up/down, bending over, stress
4. The type, dosage, effectiveness, and side effects of any medication the claimant takes or has taken to alleviate pain or other symptoms;
*Nothing really helps the wooziness
5. Treatment, other than medication, the claimant receives or has received for relief of pain or other symptoms;
6. Any measures other than treatment the claimant uses or has used to relieve pain or other symptoms (e.g., lying flat on his or her back, standing for 15 to 20 minutes every hour, or sleeping on a board); and
*Ceasing activity, lying down, NOT BEING ACTIVE
7. Any other factors concerning the claimant's functional limitations and restrictions due to pain or other symptoms (SSR 96-7p).
For this purpose, whenever statements about the intensity, persistence, or functionally limiting effects of pain or other symptoms are not substantiated by objective medical evidence, the undersigned must make a finding on the credibility of the statements based on a. consideration of the entire case record.
This 31 year old claimant alleged that he has macular serpiginous choroiditis, depression, asthma, lightheadedness, and dizziness. He claims that his eyes are sensitive to light and that he is depressed due to his poor health. He claims that he is unable to concentrate and that he rarely does anything physical because he is always disoriented.
After careful consideration of the evidence, the undersigned finds that the claimant’s medically determinable impairments could reasonably be expected to cause the alleged symptoms; however, the claimant’s statements concerning the intensity, persistence and limiting effects of these symptoms are not credible to the extent. They are inconsistent with the above residual functional capacity assessment.
*So I'm only visually impaired part of the time? CONSTANT wooziness isn't that bad? What, exactly, isn't credible about my 'claims?'
The claimant has a long history of having serpiginous choroiditis, an inflammatory condition of the eye. His physician noted in a letter in October of 1998 that the claimant had a moderate visual impairment due to this condition and that he had photophobia and decreased vision in certain light conditions (Exhibit 15F/62). In May of 2009, the claimant had his vision evaluated and his doctor reported that the claimant’s visual acuity was 20/40 in the right eye and 20/50 in the left eye, uncorrected, with a corrected visual acuity of 20/25 and 20/40 respectively (Exhibit 15F/70). Although the claimant’s doctor in September of 2009 noted that the claimant met Listing 2.04, the doctor reported that the claimant’s visual efficiency was as 72% in his right eye and 57% in his left eye which was far from meeting the criteria in Listing 2.04 (Exhibit 15F/1).
*Classifying it as "an inflammatory condition of the eye" is underselling it a bit. I have scar tissue on my retinas, which causes blind spots. That means that I CANNOT SEE where those spots are. I guess compared to being completely blind, I have "moderate visual impairment," but I have TOTAL VISUAL IMPAIRMENT where the scarring is, and it is significant. And to get the 20/40 and 20/50 acuities, I have to move my eyes/head around to try to catch things peripherally. I can't just look at something and see it since my central vision is so compromised by the scarring. And lighting is a HUGE factor with my sight. If it's too bright, my functional vision, beyond being able to get around, is nil. Why does everything get so understated?
The claimant also had a long history of dizziness and lightheadedness. In January of 2009, the claimant underwent a biopsy of his jugular foremen which demonstrated that the claimant had a schwannoma tumor (Exhibit 14F/28). He underwent surgery to remove the tumor; however, during the surgery, the claimant’s blood pressure and pulse dropped at a dramatic rate and the surgeon was unable to remove the schwannoma tumor (Exhibit 14F/1). During a follow-up examination, his physician noted that the majority of the tumor, approximately 75-90%, still remained (Exhibit 14F/3). In August of 2009, the claimant’s physician noted that the claimant continued to have occasional dizziness (Exhibit 14F/1). The physician also noted that the claimant’s strength was 5 out of 5 and that his reflexes were symmetric (Exhibit 14F/1).
*So 822 characters sums up my tumor? Being forced to leave 75-90% of a huge ass lesion in my head is not significant? The "occasional dizziness" meant occasional INCREASED dizziness that's on top of the wooziness I CONSTANTLY feel. What the fuck does my strength and reflexes have to do with being woozy? I guess I'm strong enough to survive a fall and my leg will kick out if I land on my knee just right?
The claimant was also diagnosed with Dysthymic Disorder in September of 2005 (Exhibit SF), and depression in July of 2007 (Exhibit 11F). His psychologist noted that the claimant felt that his depression would remain as long as he remained physically impaired and dependent on others (Exhibit 11F). In August of 2007, the claimant reported that his concentration was “o.k.” and that he was often bored (Exhibit 11F). In January of 2008, the claimant’s case manager at the community mental health center noted that the claimant was only mildly depressed; however, he still had feelings of hopelessness and low energy (Exhibit 11F). The claimant underwent a consultative examination in September of 2007. At that time, the state agency's consultant noted that the claimant’s muscle tone and strength was 5 out of 5 in all extremities with no muscle wasting (Exhibit 5F/5). The consultant also noted that the claimant’s gait was normal and that his station was normal (Exhibit 5F/5 ). The claimant was also able to walk on his heels and toes and squat and rise from a squatted position without difficulty (Exhibit 5F/ 5).
*Again, we have incomplete and understated information. Too, what does my strength or gait or ability to walk on my toes/heels, etc. have to do with being depressed? Or wooziness? Or blindness?
Although the claimant has described daily activities which are fairly limited, two factors weigh against considering these allegations to be strong evidence in favor of finding the claimant disabled. First, allegedly limited daily activities cannot be objectively verified with any reasonable degree of certainty. Secondly, even if the claimant’s daily activities are truly as limited as alleged, it is difficult to attribute that degree of limitation to the claimant’s medical condition, as opposed to other reasons, in view of the relatively weak medical evidence and other factors discussed in this decision. The undersigned noted that there are facts and inconsistencies in the record which detract from the credibility of the claimant’s allegations. In the claimant’s disability report, he stated that he was unable to do much and that he considered himself lucky if he could stand up. However, the claimant testified that he took care of his personal hygiene, did the laundry, cleaned his room, watched television, pursued social networking on his computer, attended sporting events, and went out socially with fiends to watch sporting events. Further, although the claimant claimed limited activities of daily living, his mother reported in a 3rd party report that he had no problem taking care of his hygiene and that he watched movies and worked on his computer (Exhibit 9E). She also reported that the claimant needed to be more active (Exhibit 9E). Although the inconsistent information provided by the claimant may not be the result of a conscious intention to mislead, nevertheless the inconsistencies suggest that the information provided by the claimant generally may not be entirely reliable.
*If my "allegedly limited daily activities cannot be objectively verified with any reasonable degree of certainty," then what am I supposed to do? My situation is my situation. I don't choose my symptoms or limitations. Weak medical evidence? A golf ball sized tumor in my head that they were unable to remove much of because I almost died when they were working on it is weak? Scars on my retinas is weak? Not being able to see is week? And all of those activities that I apparently do...it's really not that much. Showering makes me able-bodied? Watching TV? REALLY? Getting out of the house once in awhile, if just for my own sanity (literally) is that much? And the stuff from my mom. I only asked her to fill that out because no one else would. I should have left it blank. She didn't believe I was sick then (they hadn't found the tumor yet). But because my mom said my hygiene was fine (maybe I should stink more) and because I can watch movies (SERIOUSLY??) and mess around on my computer some, I'm OK? What is inconsistent? Yes, I do stuff sometimes when I feel good enough to do it. Most of the time, though, I just sit around and try not to fall over. Sometimes I'm successful.
In accordance with Social Security Ruling 96-6p, the undersigned considered the administrative findings of fact made by the state agency medical physicians and other consultants and weighed these opinions as statements from non-examining expert sources. The residual functional capacity conclusions reached by the physicians employed by the State Disability Determination Services also supported a finding of "not disabled." Although those physicians were non-examining, and therefore their opinions do not as a general matter deserve as much weight as those of examining or treating physicians, those opinions do deserve some weight, particularly in a case like this in which there exist a number of other reasons to reach similar conclusions.
*It doesn't seem he took anything that my doctors said about me being as bad off as I am into any consideration. And based on how the hearing went, it didn't seem like he talked to any doctors. And "in a case like this in which there exist a number of other reasons to reach similar conclusions" is to mean what, exactly? Both my eye condition AND the tumor are extremely rare. My situation is not at all common.
In light of the claimant’s alleged impairments and giving the claimant every benefit of the doubt regarding his allegations of dizziness and lightheadedness, as well as his visual disorder, the undersigned finds, therefore, the claimant is limited to light work. Because of his alleged symptoms, the claimant is limited to perform work which only requires occasional postural activities with no climbing of ladders, ropes, or scaffolds. He must avoid all hazards and can engage in activity only requiring occasional visual functioning (i.e. occasional near and far acuity, field of vision, peripheral acuity, depth perception, and nighttime vision). Because of the claimant’s depression and dysthymia, he is limited the performance of only simple and repetitive tasks.
*"Every benefit of the doubt????" I don't need any benefit of the doubt, I just need someone with some common sense to look at my case. And, again, what can I do that only requires me to be able to see some of the time, that's simple and repetitive? This makes no sense!
In summary, based on a review of the medical evidence of record, as sell as the claimant’s testimony at the hearing and the record as a whole, the undersigned finds the evidence contained in the record does not support the claimant's allegations of totally incapacitating symptoms. He has retained the capacity to perform light work, with minor postural, environmental and non-exertional limitations, throughout the period under consideration. The claimant has not demonstrated that the medical evidence supports greater limitation than in the RFC above, and the undersigned gives the claimant all benefit of reasonable doubt.
5. The claimant is unable to perform any past relevant work (20 CFR 416.965).
The claimant has past relevant work as a door to door sales representative, cashier II, and cashier checker. The vocational expert testified that the work requirements of these jobs exceeded the residual functional capacity provided for this claimant. Accordingly, the claimant is unable to perform past relevant work.
6. The claimant was horn on November 21, 1978 and was 28 years old, which is defined as a younger individual age 18-49, on the date the application was filed (20 CFR 416.963).
7. The claimant has at least a high school education and is able to communicate in English (20 CFR 416.964).
8. Transferability of job skills is not material to the determination of disability because using the Medical-Vocational Rules as a framework supports a finding that the claimant is "not disabled," whether or not the claimant has transferable job skills (See SSR 82-41 and 20 CFR Part 404, Subpart P, Appendix 2).
9. Considering the claimant's age, education, work experience, and residual functional capacity, there are jobs that exist in significant numbers in the national economy that the claimant can perform (20 CFR 416.969 and 416.969(a)).
In determining whether a successful adjustment to other work can be made, the undersigned must consider the claimant's residual functional capacity, age, education, and work experience in conjunction with the Medical-Vocational Guidelines, 20 CFR Part 404, Subpart P, Appendix 2. If the claimant can perform all or substantially all of the exertional demands at a given level of exertion, the medical-vocational rules direct a conclusion of either "disabled" or "not disabled" depending upon the claimant's specific vocational profile (S SR 83-l 1). When the claimant cannot perform substantially all of the exertional demands of work at a given level of exertion and/or has nonexertional limitations, the medical-vocational rules are used as a framework for decision-making unless there is a rule that directs a conclusion of "disabled" without considering the additional exertional and/or nonexertional limitations (SSRS 83-12 and 83-14). If the claimant has solely nonexertional limitations, section 204.00 in the Medical-Vocational Guidelines provides a framework for decision-making (SSR 85-15).
If the claimant had the residual functional capacity to perform the full range of light work, a finding of "not disabled" would be directed by Medical-Vocational Rule 202.21. However, the claimant's ability to perform all or substantially all of the requirements of this level of work has been impeded by additional limitations. To determine the extent to which these limitations erode the unskilled light occupational base, the Administrative Law Judge asked the vocational expert whether jobs exist in the national economy for an individual with the claimant's age, education, work experience, and residual functional capacity. The vocational expert testified that given all of these factors the individual would be able to perform the requirements of representative occupations such as maid, housekeeping cleaner, with 5,975 jobs available in regional economy and 364,640 in the national economy and sales attendant, with 1,685 jobs available in the regional economy and 87,500 jobs available in the national economy.
*What do my age, education, work experience, or RPC have to do with me not being able to see or feeling like I'm going to pass out? If my body doesn't function, how am I supposed to work? And my past work experience is supposedly moot, according to #5. I could be a maid? So I can only so stuff when I only need to see some of the time, and that wouldn't affect cleaning work? Plus, bending over, looking up and down, and all that make me feel worse. A maid doesn't do any of that, right? And a sales attendant? What would I sell? Presumably, I'd have to know about what I'm selling, which would involve research, which would mean at least some reading. And who would hire me knowing that I couldn't commit to working any set schedule? Also, if all of these jobs are available in my area, why is unemployment so high? REALLY?! I could be a maid or a salesman? *ROLLS EYES*
Pursuant to SSR 00-4p, the vocational expert's testimony is consistent with the information contained in the Dictionary of Occupational Titles.
Based on the testimony of the vocational expert, the undersigned concludes that, considering the claimant's age, education, work experience, and residual functional capacity, the claimant is capable of making a successful adjustment to other work that exists in significant numbers in the national economy. A finding of "not disabled" is therefore appropriate under the framework of the above-cited rule.
10. The claimant has not been under a disability, as defined in the Social Security Act, since June 21, 2007, the date the application was filed (20 CFR 416.920(g)).
FINDINGS OF FACT AND CONCLUSIONS OF LAW
After careful consideration of the entire record, the undersigned makes the following findings:1. The claimant has not engaged in substantial gainful activity since June 21, 2007, the application date (20 CFR 416.971 et seq.).
2. The claimant has the following sever impairments: schwannoma tumor in the jugular foramen, visual disorder, dysthymia, and depression (20 CFR 416.920(e)).
The above impairments cause significant limitations in the claimant’s ability to perform basic work activities.
3. The claimant does not have an impairment or combination of impairments that meets or medically equals one of the listed impairments in 20 CFR Part 404, Subpart P, Appendix 1 (20 CFR 416.920(d), 416.925 and 416.926).
The undersigned considered listing 2.02 governing the loss of visual acuity. In order to meet Listing 2.02, the claimant must have remaining vision in the better eye after best correction of 20/200 or less. There is no evidence in the medical record to suggest that the claimant’s visual acuity in the better eye has deteriorated to satisfy the requirements of Listing 2.02.
The undersigned also considered listing 2.04 governing the loss of visual efficiency. In order to meet Listing 2.04, the claimant must have a visual efficiency of 20 percent or less as determined by kinetic perimetry. The claimant argues that he meets 2.04 and that his doctor has determined that he met Listing 2.04. However, upon review of the medical record of evidence, the claimant’s doctor reported that the claimant’s visual efficiency was 72 % in his right eye and 57% in his left eye which is far from meeting the criteria in Listing 2.04 (Exhibit 15F/1).
*I don't understand any of this or what my doctor wrote. But, apparently, having major blind spots in my central vision isn't a big enough deal. I guess as long as I might see part of something in front of me, that's good enough. I wonder if he'd want me to drive next to him since my vision is, by his standards, within the BMV requirements.
The claimant’s mental impairments, considered singly and in combination, do not meet or medically equal the criteria of listing 12.04. In making this finding, the undersigned has considered whether the "paragraph B" criteria are satisfied. To satisfy the "paragraph B" criteria, the mental impairments must result in at least two of the following: marked restriction of activities of daily living; marked difficulties in maintaining social functioning; marked difficulties in maintaining concentration, persistence, or pace; or repeated episodes of decompensation, each of extended duration. A marked limitation means more than moderate but less than extreme. Repeated episodes of decompensation, each of extended duration, means three episodes within l year, or an average of once every 4 months, each lasting for at least 2 weeks.
In evaluating the claimant’s psychological impairments, the undersigned utilized the technique set forth at 20 CFR 404.1520a and 416.920a. The claimant’s depression causes no more than mild restrictions in activities of daily living, mild difficulties in the ability to maintain social functioning, or moderate deficiencies of concentration, persistence or pace. The claimant is able to maintain personal hygiene and grooming, he lives with his parents, does the laundry, cooks, watches television, pursues social networking on the computer, goes out with friends to watch sporting events at bars, and regularly attends basketball games. The claimant reads, although he tires easily while reading. Based on this, the mental condition fails to satisfy the A and B criteria. Moreover, there is no evidence that even a minimal increase in mental demands or change in the environment would be predicted to cause the claimant to decompensate. Additionally, there is no history of an inability to function outside a highly supportive living arrangement. Finally, there is no evidence that he is completely unable to function outside the area of his home environment. Consequently, the A and C criteria are not at listing level severity.
*I don't know about specific legal definitions or guidelines, but it seems to me that because I'm not a total slob and can shower somewhat regularly (though often not when I want to), that I live with my parents (as opposed to what?), that I do laundry (I have enough clothes to last me awhile, but I still can't always do it when I want to--for instance, I'd prefer to wash my bedding once a week, but that doesn't ever happen), that I feed myself (rarely what I want--I often settle for something simple like a sandwich instead of cooking something more elaborate), that I watch TV (really?!?!), that I'm do social networking online (reading what you're up to and posting a little about my life makes me less sick?), that I go somewhere else to watch TV (well, if watching TV at home is too much...), and going to Fever games in the summer (even if I'm just sitting there, which happens a lot, despite my inclinations to cheer), and because I read, apparently at all (wow), I'm not disabled. Basically, because I function AT ALL, I'm not depressed enough. To hell with feeling hopeless and suicidal (in the past), wondering what the point of doing anything is, and, when I have the tears, crying to myself so sick of the nothingness that my life has become. Fuck it, I can watch TV, I must be alright.
4. After careful consideration of the entire record, the undersigned finds that the claimant has the residual functional capacity to perform light work as defined in 20 CFR 416.967(b) except the claimant is limited to occasional postural activities with no climbing of ladders, ropes, or scaffolds. He must avoid all hazards and can engage in activity only requiring occasional visual functioning (i.e. occasional near and far acuity, field of vision, peripheral acuity, depth perception, and nighttime vision). The claimant is also limited to perform simple and repetitive tasks.
*Standing up is a hazard. "Occasional visual functioning???" So I can do stuff that I only need to see part of the time? What am I suppose to do when I'm unable to see?
In making this finding, the undersigned has considered all symptoms and the extent to which these symptoms can reasonably be accepted as consistent with the objective medical evidence and other evidence, based on the requirements of 20 CFR 416.929 and SSRS 96-4p and 96-7p. The undersigned has also considered opinion evidence in accordance with the requirements of 20 CFR 416.927 and SSRS 96-2p, 96-Sp, 96-6p and 06-3p.
In considering the claimant’s symptoms, the undersigned must follow a two-step process in which it must first be determined whether there is an underlying medically determinable physical or mental impairment--i.e., an impairment that can be shown by medically acceptable clinical and laboratory diagnostic techniques--that could reasonably be expected to produce the claimant's pain or other symptoms. Second, once an underlying physical or mental impairment that could reasonably be expected to produce the claimant's pain or other symptoms has been shown and because a claimant’s symptoms can sometimes suggest a greater level of severity of impairment than can be shown by the objective medical evidence alone, the undersigned must consider in addition to the objective medical evidence when assessing the credibility of the claimant's statements:
1. The claimant's daily activities;
*Next to nothing--little of significance
2. The location, duration, frequency, and intensity of the claimant's pain or other symptoms;
*CONSTANT WOOZINESS/BLINDNESS
3. Factors that precipitate and aggravate the symptoms;
*Being active, looking up/down, bending over, stress
4. The type, dosage, effectiveness, and side effects of any medication the claimant takes or has taken to alleviate pain or other symptoms;
*Nothing really helps the wooziness
5. Treatment, other than medication, the claimant receives or has received for relief of pain or other symptoms;
6. Any measures other than treatment the claimant uses or has used to relieve pain or other symptoms (e.g., lying flat on his or her back, standing for 15 to 20 minutes every hour, or sleeping on a board); and
*Ceasing activity, lying down, NOT BEING ACTIVE
7. Any other factors concerning the claimant's functional limitations and restrictions due to pain or other symptoms (SSR 96-7p).
For this purpose, whenever statements about the intensity, persistence, or functionally limiting effects of pain or other symptoms are not substantiated by objective medical evidence, the undersigned must make a finding on the credibility of the statements based on a. consideration of the entire case record.
This 31 year old claimant alleged that he has macular serpiginous choroiditis, depression, asthma, lightheadedness, and dizziness. He claims that his eyes are sensitive to light and that he is depressed due to his poor health. He claims that he is unable to concentrate and that he rarely does anything physical because he is always disoriented.
After careful consideration of the evidence, the undersigned finds that the claimant’s medically determinable impairments could reasonably be expected to cause the alleged symptoms; however, the claimant’s statements concerning the intensity, persistence and limiting effects of these symptoms are not credible to the extent. They are inconsistent with the above residual functional capacity assessment.
*So I'm only visually impaired part of the time? CONSTANT wooziness isn't that bad? What, exactly, isn't credible about my 'claims?'
The claimant has a long history of having serpiginous choroiditis, an inflammatory condition of the eye. His physician noted in a letter in October of 1998 that the claimant had a moderate visual impairment due to this condition and that he had photophobia and decreased vision in certain light conditions (Exhibit 15F/62). In May of 2009, the claimant had his vision evaluated and his doctor reported that the claimant’s visual acuity was 20/40 in the right eye and 20/50 in the left eye, uncorrected, with a corrected visual acuity of 20/25 and 20/40 respectively (Exhibit 15F/70). Although the claimant’s doctor in September of 2009 noted that the claimant met Listing 2.04, the doctor reported that the claimant’s visual efficiency was as 72% in his right eye and 57% in his left eye which was far from meeting the criteria in Listing 2.04 (Exhibit 15F/1).
*Classifying it as "an inflammatory condition of the eye" is underselling it a bit. I have scar tissue on my retinas, which causes blind spots. That means that I CANNOT SEE where those spots are. I guess compared to being completely blind, I have "moderate visual impairment," but I have TOTAL VISUAL IMPAIRMENT where the scarring is, and it is significant. And to get the 20/40 and 20/50 acuities, I have to move my eyes/head around to try to catch things peripherally. I can't just look at something and see it since my central vision is so compromised by the scarring. And lighting is a HUGE factor with my sight. If it's too bright, my functional vision, beyond being able to get around, is nil. Why does everything get so understated?
The claimant also had a long history of dizziness and lightheadedness. In January of 2009, the claimant underwent a biopsy of his jugular foremen which demonstrated that the claimant had a schwannoma tumor (Exhibit 14F/28). He underwent surgery to remove the tumor; however, during the surgery, the claimant’s blood pressure and pulse dropped at a dramatic rate and the surgeon was unable to remove the schwannoma tumor (Exhibit 14F/1). During a follow-up examination, his physician noted that the majority of the tumor, approximately 75-90%, still remained (Exhibit 14F/3). In August of 2009, the claimant’s physician noted that the claimant continued to have occasional dizziness (Exhibit 14F/1). The physician also noted that the claimant’s strength was 5 out of 5 and that his reflexes were symmetric (Exhibit 14F/1).
*So 822 characters sums up my tumor? Being forced to leave 75-90% of a huge ass lesion in my head is not significant? The "occasional dizziness" meant occasional INCREASED dizziness that's on top of the wooziness I CONSTANTLY feel. What the fuck does my strength and reflexes have to do with being woozy? I guess I'm strong enough to survive a fall and my leg will kick out if I land on my knee just right?
The claimant was also diagnosed with Dysthymic Disorder in September of 2005 (Exhibit SF), and depression in July of 2007 (Exhibit 11F). His psychologist noted that the claimant felt that his depression would remain as long as he remained physically impaired and dependent on others (Exhibit 11F). In August of 2007, the claimant reported that his concentration was “o.k.” and that he was often bored (Exhibit 11F). In January of 2008, the claimant’s case manager at the community mental health center noted that the claimant was only mildly depressed; however, he still had feelings of hopelessness and low energy (Exhibit 11F). The claimant underwent a consultative examination in September of 2007. At that time, the state agency's consultant noted that the claimant’s muscle tone and strength was 5 out of 5 in all extremities with no muscle wasting (Exhibit 5F/5). The consultant also noted that the claimant’s gait was normal and that his station was normal (Exhibit 5F/5 ). The claimant was also able to walk on his heels and toes and squat and rise from a squatted position without difficulty (Exhibit 5F/ 5).
*Again, we have incomplete and understated information. Too, what does my strength or gait or ability to walk on my toes/heels, etc. have to do with being depressed? Or wooziness? Or blindness?
Although the claimant has described daily activities which are fairly limited, two factors weigh against considering these allegations to be strong evidence in favor of finding the claimant disabled. First, allegedly limited daily activities cannot be objectively verified with any reasonable degree of certainty. Secondly, even if the claimant’s daily activities are truly as limited as alleged, it is difficult to attribute that degree of limitation to the claimant’s medical condition, as opposed to other reasons, in view of the relatively weak medical evidence and other factors discussed in this decision. The undersigned noted that there are facts and inconsistencies in the record which detract from the credibility of the claimant’s allegations. In the claimant’s disability report, he stated that he was unable to do much and that he considered himself lucky if he could stand up. However, the claimant testified that he took care of his personal hygiene, did the laundry, cleaned his room, watched television, pursued social networking on his computer, attended sporting events, and went out socially with fiends to watch sporting events. Further, although the claimant claimed limited activities of daily living, his mother reported in a 3rd party report that he had no problem taking care of his hygiene and that he watched movies and worked on his computer (Exhibit 9E). She also reported that the claimant needed to be more active (Exhibit 9E). Although the inconsistent information provided by the claimant may not be the result of a conscious intention to mislead, nevertheless the inconsistencies suggest that the information provided by the claimant generally may not be entirely reliable.
*If my "allegedly limited daily activities cannot be objectively verified with any reasonable degree of certainty," then what am I supposed to do? My situation is my situation. I don't choose my symptoms or limitations. Weak medical evidence? A golf ball sized tumor in my head that they were unable to remove much of because I almost died when they were working on it is weak? Scars on my retinas is weak? Not being able to see is week? And all of those activities that I apparently do...it's really not that much. Showering makes me able-bodied? Watching TV? REALLY? Getting out of the house once in awhile, if just for my own sanity (literally) is that much? And the stuff from my mom. I only asked her to fill that out because no one else would. I should have left it blank. She didn't believe I was sick then (they hadn't found the tumor yet). But because my mom said my hygiene was fine (maybe I should stink more) and because I can watch movies (SERIOUSLY??) and mess around on my computer some, I'm OK? What is inconsistent? Yes, I do stuff sometimes when I feel good enough to do it. Most of the time, though, I just sit around and try not to fall over. Sometimes I'm successful.
In accordance with Social Security Ruling 96-6p, the undersigned considered the administrative findings of fact made by the state agency medical physicians and other consultants and weighed these opinions as statements from non-examining expert sources. The residual functional capacity conclusions reached by the physicians employed by the State Disability Determination Services also supported a finding of "not disabled." Although those physicians were non-examining, and therefore their opinions do not as a general matter deserve as much weight as those of examining or treating physicians, those opinions do deserve some weight, particularly in a case like this in which there exist a number of other reasons to reach similar conclusions.
*It doesn't seem he took anything that my doctors said about me being as bad off as I am into any consideration. And based on how the hearing went, it didn't seem like he talked to any doctors. And "in a case like this in which there exist a number of other reasons to reach similar conclusions" is to mean what, exactly? Both my eye condition AND the tumor are extremely rare. My situation is not at all common.
In light of the claimant’s alleged impairments and giving the claimant every benefit of the doubt regarding his allegations of dizziness and lightheadedness, as well as his visual disorder, the undersigned finds, therefore, the claimant is limited to light work. Because of his alleged symptoms, the claimant is limited to perform work which only requires occasional postural activities with no climbing of ladders, ropes, or scaffolds. He must avoid all hazards and can engage in activity only requiring occasional visual functioning (i.e. occasional near and far acuity, field of vision, peripheral acuity, depth perception, and nighttime vision). Because of the claimant’s depression and dysthymia, he is limited the performance of only simple and repetitive tasks.
*"Every benefit of the doubt????" I don't need any benefit of the doubt, I just need someone with some common sense to look at my case. And, again, what can I do that only requires me to be able to see some of the time, that's simple and repetitive? This makes no sense!
In summary, based on a review of the medical evidence of record, as sell as the claimant’s testimony at the hearing and the record as a whole, the undersigned finds the evidence contained in the record does not support the claimant's allegations of totally incapacitating symptoms. He has retained the capacity to perform light work, with minor postural, environmental and non-exertional limitations, throughout the period under consideration. The claimant has not demonstrated that the medical evidence supports greater limitation than in the RFC above, and the undersigned gives the claimant all benefit of reasonable doubt.
5. The claimant is unable to perform any past relevant work (20 CFR 416.965).
The claimant has past relevant work as a door to door sales representative, cashier II, and cashier checker. The vocational expert testified that the work requirements of these jobs exceeded the residual functional capacity provided for this claimant. Accordingly, the claimant is unable to perform past relevant work.
6. The claimant was horn on November 21, 1978 and was 28 years old, which is defined as a younger individual age 18-49, on the date the application was filed (20 CFR 416.963).
7. The claimant has at least a high school education and is able to communicate in English (20 CFR 416.964).
8. Transferability of job skills is not material to the determination of disability because using the Medical-Vocational Rules as a framework supports a finding that the claimant is "not disabled," whether or not the claimant has transferable job skills (See SSR 82-41 and 20 CFR Part 404, Subpart P, Appendix 2).
9. Considering the claimant's age, education, work experience, and residual functional capacity, there are jobs that exist in significant numbers in the national economy that the claimant can perform (20 CFR 416.969 and 416.969(a)).
In determining whether a successful adjustment to other work can be made, the undersigned must consider the claimant's residual functional capacity, age, education, and work experience in conjunction with the Medical-Vocational Guidelines, 20 CFR Part 404, Subpart P, Appendix 2. If the claimant can perform all or substantially all of the exertional demands at a given level of exertion, the medical-vocational rules direct a conclusion of either "disabled" or "not disabled" depending upon the claimant's specific vocational profile (S SR 83-l 1). When the claimant cannot perform substantially all of the exertional demands of work at a given level of exertion and/or has nonexertional limitations, the medical-vocational rules are used as a framework for decision-making unless there is a rule that directs a conclusion of "disabled" without considering the additional exertional and/or nonexertional limitations (SSRS 83-12 and 83-14). If the claimant has solely nonexertional limitations, section 204.00 in the Medical-Vocational Guidelines provides a framework for decision-making (SSR 85-15).
If the claimant had the residual functional capacity to perform the full range of light work, a finding of "not disabled" would be directed by Medical-Vocational Rule 202.21. However, the claimant's ability to perform all or substantially all of the requirements of this level of work has been impeded by additional limitations. To determine the extent to which these limitations erode the unskilled light occupational base, the Administrative Law Judge asked the vocational expert whether jobs exist in the national economy for an individual with the claimant's age, education, work experience, and residual functional capacity. The vocational expert testified that given all of these factors the individual would be able to perform the requirements of representative occupations such as maid, housekeeping cleaner, with 5,975 jobs available in regional economy and 364,640 in the national economy and sales attendant, with 1,685 jobs available in the regional economy and 87,500 jobs available in the national economy.
*What do my age, education, work experience, or RPC have to do with me not being able to see or feeling like I'm going to pass out? If my body doesn't function, how am I supposed to work? And my past work experience is supposedly moot, according to #5. I could be a maid? So I can only so stuff when I only need to see some of the time, and that wouldn't affect cleaning work? Plus, bending over, looking up and down, and all that make me feel worse. A maid doesn't do any of that, right? And a sales attendant? What would I sell? Presumably, I'd have to know about what I'm selling, which would involve research, which would mean at least some reading. And who would hire me knowing that I couldn't commit to working any set schedule? Also, if all of these jobs are available in my area, why is unemployment so high? REALLY?! I could be a maid or a salesman? *ROLLS EYES*
Pursuant to SSR 00-4p, the vocational expert's testimony is consistent with the information contained in the Dictionary of Occupational Titles.
Based on the testimony of the vocational expert, the undersigned concludes that, considering the claimant's age, education, work experience, and residual functional capacity, the claimant is capable of making a successful adjustment to other work that exists in significant numbers in the national economy. A finding of "not disabled" is therefore appropriate under the framework of the above-cited rule.
10. The claimant has not been under a disability, as defined in the Social Security Act, since June 21, 2007, the date the application was filed (20 CFR 416.920(g)).
DECISION
Based on the application for supplemental security income protectively filed on June 21, 2007, the claimant is not disabled under section l6l4(a)(3)(A) of the Social Security Act.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Dealing with the social impact of being sick...
So last time I touched on how I've had my eye issues for half my life. I got into what happened, how it started, how I felt, and some of how it's affected me. I'll expand on that a little this time, focusing on how things have changed socially.
As I mentioned before, it hasn't been much of an issue with my family (and not in a good way, mostly). They're just used to me wearing the visor and shades when I'm out and know that I see the ophthalmologist regularly. I missed more school when they were bugging me extra. They've never really made any accommodations for me, so we argue about lighting a lot. Usually, I'll just end up in my room where I can control it.
They know that something's wrong, but I don't think anyone of them get how serious it. I doubt any of them can tell you what it is. None would get anything close to macular serpiginous chorioretinitis, and I'd be surprised if they mentioned the retina. Blind spots would probably be mentioned, so I guess that's something. The light sensitivity is easy, so they are awarded no points for that. At least with my parents, you'd think they knew what something I've had half my life is called, or at least had the basics down. Before they found the tumor, my mom accused me of faking being sick because I'd done it soooo many times before. Of course, she couldn't give ONE example because that's a bullshit statement. Was I faking the wooziness like I faked going blind? Actually, yes, since both are real. As part of that argument, they said that they don't know anything because I won't tell them what the doctors say. Again, that's not true. I'd tell them, then they wouldn't listen or pay attention. And, no, I'm not taking my mom with me into any doctor appointments. I'm a grown man and she can trust me when I relay what the doctors say (despite her beyond ridiculous claims, she has no reason not to believe me) or she can choose not to take my word for it.
As part of my case that they didn't care enough to listen, pay attention, or remember, I asked them what was wrong with my eyes. They should have known about that, but the only part they got right was mentioning blind spots, and that was almost a lucky guess. They weren't sure about that. I've had this going on since I was 15, mind you. It's never gotten better and it's always been an issue since then. Hell, when I was still a kid, my mom did go to most of the appointments with me, so she heard it all first hand. She'll cry some shit that her liver issues affect her memory and all that, which is true, but something this important gets forgotten? What's my step-dad's excuse? As for my biological dad, I have no clue what he knows or thinks he knows about my eyes.
When my eyes messed up, a lot changed for me. I used to run around all day everyday. I was rarely home. I was either at school, playing sports, or hanging with friends. I didn't watch much TV, other than sports. The only show that I made a point to watch before my eyes went bad was The X Files. I was one of the smartest kids in my class and was recognized as such. I did very well in school, and it was pretty easy for me. That's not to say that I didn't work hard at it, but it all came very naturally. There was nothing that I couldn't understand or work out if I studied it hard enough. Being smart was part of my identity.
But after having to deal with not being able to see as well, and having the light sensitivity, and just having bad days when it was uncomfortable to have my eyes open, things were different. I couldn't play outside as much because of the light. On bad days, I couldn't do much of anything. I was depressed going through it all, so I didn't even want to go out a lot of the time. Even though I couldn't really see everything, I started watching more TV since I was inside more and didn't have anything else to do. School was much harder. I'd go days or weeks without being able to read. I was absent a lot. When I was in class, I was so far behind that it was almost pointless to be there. It was frustrating because I knew I could do the work, I just had to be able to use my eyes to see it. I was less social, frustrated with my limitations.
I lost all of the momentum I had playing sports. I lost that part of my identity, too. I didn't play football junior year because of headaches that were most likely related to the stress of dealing with my eyes. Too, I was still figuring out how to deal with my limited sight and the issues with light, etc. I ended up being the camera man that year. It was nice to still be a part of the team, but it wasn't the same. We had a lot of new players, many from the 2 high schools that closed the previous year. I didn't get the respect I deserved from most of them because I was just the cameraman and not a player. I kinda/sorta ran track again, but I was never in great shape because I couldn't run frequently. I became more of a student manager and would just hang out at practice so I wouldn't have to be home.
I was lucky at school because my teachers all worked with me. My friends helped a lot, too, letting me borrow their notes and working with me to catch me up. They knew me from before--I wasn't just being lazy. It was still hard, them not knowing what to say or what to do and me being just as lost for words. I think a few of my classmates resented, or at least didn't like, the special treatment I got. That irked me quite a bit at the time, but they just didn't realize how bad things were. It's a hard thing to quantify (which hasn't helped me with my SSI stuff). People didn't understand that feeling OK enough to play basketball wasn't the same as being able to read and write. Being active, playing ball, running around...those were the only things that helped me keep my mind off of how bad I felt. Exercising felt good, too, made me tired, helped me sleep. My vision wasn't as much of an issue playing sports. It didn't matter if I couldn't see the basket, I knew where it was, it was intinctual.
It was different in college. I'd known most of my high school friends for awhile, many from junior high. People knew me, knew what I was capable of, and saw that a major change was forced upon me. I came into college as the visor and shades guy. I knew no one, having only spoken to my roommate (who was from Rhode Island) on the phone to sort out what we'd bring for our dorm room. They only saw that I missed a lot of class and that I was in bed a lot. They didn't know how smart I really was, despite being admitted into such a prestigous school. I wasn't a legacy kid and I didn't buy my way in--I earned it. But they never saw me without limitations and just assumed.
It was hard because I couldn't do much to show them my potential, how smart and creative I was, and what I good student I could be. They only saw that I hung around the dorm a lot, wearing the visor, missing class, dropping classes, and just getting by. If they had only known me before, when I didn't have to work so hard, but when I could work as hard as I wanted...if they only knew how smart I had to be to do as well as I did, learning how to do problems while I was taking the test since I couldn't study before and just ran out of time...If only they could see my tears almost every day, sad, frustrated, depressed, feeling like a waste and a failure, wondering if I should drop out of school...
It hurt every time I missed class, had to ask for an extension, dropped a class, or let my group down. I both loved and hated group projects. There were the benefits of being able to rely on my group, but then there was that sinking feeling when I couldn't carry my own weight, bringing them down forcing them to work harder. It's much easier to disappoint only myself in that way.
It hurts that so many people just thought I was lazy. Despite how it may have seemed, I took school very seriously. You can only do what you can do, though. It was unnerving being looked down upon, like maybe I didn't belong. I didn't understand why I didn't get the benefit of the doubt more after explaining my situation. School gets extremely difficult when you're unable to read anything significant for weeks at a time. Skimming websites isn't the same as reading for comprehension and really trying to learn complex concepts.
A lot of that perceived laziness carried over after graduation when I got woozy. "Here he goes faking/exaggerating again." "Why won't he just man up and do the work?" Isn't it something that I was happy that they found a tumor in my head, if only to be a FUCK YOU to those people? I shouldn't have needed that validation. I'm not lazy. I don't mooch. And despite absolutely loving helping others, I hate asking for help even more. It kills me to need special consideration. I can't stand just sitting around, doing nothing, but when you feel as constantly bad as I do and as I have, from my eyes, from the wooziness, that's just how it is. I'm not content staying put, either, I try things that might help. I've tested different technologies, different glasses, different therapies and most of them haven't worked for me. I don't enjoy my situation. I never have. I'd much rather be a productive person, working, helping people. I'm tired of merely surviving, hoping that doctors will find a way to heal me. And I do scream and yell and cry--it does bother me. I just try not to do it around others too much. Why should I make the time that I'm spending with someone else unpleasant? Why can't we just enjoy each other's company? Why can't I be happy that I'm not alone for awhile?
I've missed out on fun stuff, too. I've had to cancel with friends. I've missed birthday parties, family get togethers, and important events like funerals. I wasn't able to attend fun outings on campus many times. My eyes forced me to call into work, costing me money. Being sick, with both my eyes and the wooziness, hasn't just been a convenient excuse to be lazy and only manifests itself when I want to get out of doing something. It is that bad. It is that constant. And it really does suck.
More than dealing with the physical issues--and not that going through all of them is easy--is coping with the social problems. I have so many limitations that are legitimate, then I have those placed upon me by the perception that things maybe aren't as bad as I make them out to be. Being alone and lonely (alonely, I call it) is the worst feeling in the world. It hurts more knowing that I'm a good person with a lot to offer, but that I'm just held back by all of this shit that's out of my control. I don't understand what I've done to taint my word. I'm not a liar. I'm not a faker. I'm not one to exaggerate a lot. I'm not always right, but I am always true. Why isn't that enough?
Things are better now than they have been. Most people at least believe that something's going on with me. I still don't think that everyone understands just how serious and constant and frustrating dealing with all of this has been, but it's a start. I appreciate the support that I've gotten so much that I'll never have the right words to express my exact sentiments. It's still hard going through this, but it's easier when I feel connected to the world, to you guys, and when I have a reason to fight. Please stick with me as I work on being able to stand on my own. Know, too, that I'm here for you. :)
Thanks for your time and I'll try to be more upbeat in the future ;).
-B
As I mentioned before, it hasn't been much of an issue with my family (and not in a good way, mostly). They're just used to me wearing the visor and shades when I'm out and know that I see the ophthalmologist regularly. I missed more school when they were bugging me extra. They've never really made any accommodations for me, so we argue about lighting a lot. Usually, I'll just end up in my room where I can control it.
They know that something's wrong, but I don't think anyone of them get how serious it. I doubt any of them can tell you what it is. None would get anything close to macular serpiginous chorioretinitis, and I'd be surprised if they mentioned the retina. Blind spots would probably be mentioned, so I guess that's something. The light sensitivity is easy, so they are awarded no points for that. At least with my parents, you'd think they knew what something I've had half my life is called, or at least had the basics down. Before they found the tumor, my mom accused me of faking being sick because I'd done it soooo many times before. Of course, she couldn't give ONE example because that's a bullshit statement. Was I faking the wooziness like I faked going blind? Actually, yes, since both are real. As part of that argument, they said that they don't know anything because I won't tell them what the doctors say. Again, that's not true. I'd tell them, then they wouldn't listen or pay attention. And, no, I'm not taking my mom with me into any doctor appointments. I'm a grown man and she can trust me when I relay what the doctors say (despite her beyond ridiculous claims, she has no reason not to believe me) or she can choose not to take my word for it.
As part of my case that they didn't care enough to listen, pay attention, or remember, I asked them what was wrong with my eyes. They should have known about that, but the only part they got right was mentioning blind spots, and that was almost a lucky guess. They weren't sure about that. I've had this going on since I was 15, mind you. It's never gotten better and it's always been an issue since then. Hell, when I was still a kid, my mom did go to most of the appointments with me, so she heard it all first hand. She'll cry some shit that her liver issues affect her memory and all that, which is true, but something this important gets forgotten? What's my step-dad's excuse? As for my biological dad, I have no clue what he knows or thinks he knows about my eyes.
When my eyes messed up, a lot changed for me. I used to run around all day everyday. I was rarely home. I was either at school, playing sports, or hanging with friends. I didn't watch much TV, other than sports. The only show that I made a point to watch before my eyes went bad was The X Files. I was one of the smartest kids in my class and was recognized as such. I did very well in school, and it was pretty easy for me. That's not to say that I didn't work hard at it, but it all came very naturally. There was nothing that I couldn't understand or work out if I studied it hard enough. Being smart was part of my identity.
But after having to deal with not being able to see as well, and having the light sensitivity, and just having bad days when it was uncomfortable to have my eyes open, things were different. I couldn't play outside as much because of the light. On bad days, I couldn't do much of anything. I was depressed going through it all, so I didn't even want to go out a lot of the time. Even though I couldn't really see everything, I started watching more TV since I was inside more and didn't have anything else to do. School was much harder. I'd go days or weeks without being able to read. I was absent a lot. When I was in class, I was so far behind that it was almost pointless to be there. It was frustrating because I knew I could do the work, I just had to be able to use my eyes to see it. I was less social, frustrated with my limitations.
I lost all of the momentum I had playing sports. I lost that part of my identity, too. I didn't play football junior year because of headaches that were most likely related to the stress of dealing with my eyes. Too, I was still figuring out how to deal with my limited sight and the issues with light, etc. I ended up being the camera man that year. It was nice to still be a part of the team, but it wasn't the same. We had a lot of new players, many from the 2 high schools that closed the previous year. I didn't get the respect I deserved from most of them because I was just the cameraman and not a player. I kinda/sorta ran track again, but I was never in great shape because I couldn't run frequently. I became more of a student manager and would just hang out at practice so I wouldn't have to be home.
I was lucky at school because my teachers all worked with me. My friends helped a lot, too, letting me borrow their notes and working with me to catch me up. They knew me from before--I wasn't just being lazy. It was still hard, them not knowing what to say or what to do and me being just as lost for words. I think a few of my classmates resented, or at least didn't like, the special treatment I got. That irked me quite a bit at the time, but they just didn't realize how bad things were. It's a hard thing to quantify (which hasn't helped me with my SSI stuff). People didn't understand that feeling OK enough to play basketball wasn't the same as being able to read and write. Being active, playing ball, running around...those were the only things that helped me keep my mind off of how bad I felt. Exercising felt good, too, made me tired, helped me sleep. My vision wasn't as much of an issue playing sports. It didn't matter if I couldn't see the basket, I knew where it was, it was intinctual.
It was different in college. I'd known most of my high school friends for awhile, many from junior high. People knew me, knew what I was capable of, and saw that a major change was forced upon me. I came into college as the visor and shades guy. I knew no one, having only spoken to my roommate (who was from Rhode Island) on the phone to sort out what we'd bring for our dorm room. They only saw that I missed a lot of class and that I was in bed a lot. They didn't know how smart I really was, despite being admitted into such a prestigous school. I wasn't a legacy kid and I didn't buy my way in--I earned it. But they never saw me without limitations and just assumed.
It was hard because I couldn't do much to show them my potential, how smart and creative I was, and what I good student I could be. They only saw that I hung around the dorm a lot, wearing the visor, missing class, dropping classes, and just getting by. If they had only known me before, when I didn't have to work so hard, but when I could work as hard as I wanted...if they only knew how smart I had to be to do as well as I did, learning how to do problems while I was taking the test since I couldn't study before and just ran out of time...If only they could see my tears almost every day, sad, frustrated, depressed, feeling like a waste and a failure, wondering if I should drop out of school...
It hurt every time I missed class, had to ask for an extension, dropped a class, or let my group down. I both loved and hated group projects. There were the benefits of being able to rely on my group, but then there was that sinking feeling when I couldn't carry my own weight, bringing them down forcing them to work harder. It's much easier to disappoint only myself in that way.
It hurts that so many people just thought I was lazy. Despite how it may have seemed, I took school very seriously. You can only do what you can do, though. It was unnerving being looked down upon, like maybe I didn't belong. I didn't understand why I didn't get the benefit of the doubt more after explaining my situation. School gets extremely difficult when you're unable to read anything significant for weeks at a time. Skimming websites isn't the same as reading for comprehension and really trying to learn complex concepts.
A lot of that perceived laziness carried over after graduation when I got woozy. "Here he goes faking/exaggerating again." "Why won't he just man up and do the work?" Isn't it something that I was happy that they found a tumor in my head, if only to be a FUCK YOU to those people? I shouldn't have needed that validation. I'm not lazy. I don't mooch. And despite absolutely loving helping others, I hate asking for help even more. It kills me to need special consideration. I can't stand just sitting around, doing nothing, but when you feel as constantly bad as I do and as I have, from my eyes, from the wooziness, that's just how it is. I'm not content staying put, either, I try things that might help. I've tested different technologies, different glasses, different therapies and most of them haven't worked for me. I don't enjoy my situation. I never have. I'd much rather be a productive person, working, helping people. I'm tired of merely surviving, hoping that doctors will find a way to heal me. And I do scream and yell and cry--it does bother me. I just try not to do it around others too much. Why should I make the time that I'm spending with someone else unpleasant? Why can't we just enjoy each other's company? Why can't I be happy that I'm not alone for awhile?
I've missed out on fun stuff, too. I've had to cancel with friends. I've missed birthday parties, family get togethers, and important events like funerals. I wasn't able to attend fun outings on campus many times. My eyes forced me to call into work, costing me money. Being sick, with both my eyes and the wooziness, hasn't just been a convenient excuse to be lazy and only manifests itself when I want to get out of doing something. It is that bad. It is that constant. And it really does suck.
More than dealing with the physical issues--and not that going through all of them is easy--is coping with the social problems. I have so many limitations that are legitimate, then I have those placed upon me by the perception that things maybe aren't as bad as I make them out to be. Being alone and lonely (alonely, I call it) is the worst feeling in the world. It hurts more knowing that I'm a good person with a lot to offer, but that I'm just held back by all of this shit that's out of my control. I don't understand what I've done to taint my word. I'm not a liar. I'm not a faker. I'm not one to exaggerate a lot. I'm not always right, but I am always true. Why isn't that enough?
Things are better now than they have been. Most people at least believe that something's going on with me. I still don't think that everyone understands just how serious and constant and frustrating dealing with all of this has been, but it's a start. I appreciate the support that I've gotten so much that I'll never have the right words to express my exact sentiments. It's still hard going through this, but it's easier when I feel connected to the world, to you guys, and when I have a reason to fight. Please stick with me as I work on being able to stand on my own. Know, too, that I'm here for you. :)
Thanks for your time and I'll try to be more upbeat in the future ;).
-B
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Half my life...
I have been visually impaired for exactly half of my life on Tuesday, September 28, 2010 (thanks to http://www.timeanddate.com/ for the calculations). I was 15 years, 11 months, 4 days or 5817 days old on Tuesday, October 25, 1994, the day I first detected something wrong with my vision. Initially, I just saw some floaters, little specks that moved around. I didn't think too much of it. I was at football practice and maybe I just got some dirt in my eye. It was more distracting and annoying than restrictive, so I didn't think much of it. I don't remember seeing them as much during the school the next day, but they were definitely there during football practice again. Too, there were spots where I couldn’t see and my vision was becoming blurry. I talked to the athletic trainer (who was also an assistant coach), and he recommended some Visine, thinking, as I did the day before, that I'd just gotten some dirt or something in my eyes.
I didn’t think too much of it, expecting it to be gone by morning. School was out Thursday and Friday, but I still had to go to practice. The spots got bigger and and the blurring started getting worse and I began to worry. I told my mom that maybe something was wrong and that I wanted to go to the doctor. We had neither medical insurance, a car, nor enough money to pay the hospital bill, so she told me to wait a few days and see what happened. "Maybe it will go away," she said. I was worried and really wanted to go, but I decided not to push it--yet. We rented some videos that night, and that’s when I got scared. I couldn’t see what was on the television screen--the blind spots were in the way. I had to focus on the corner of the screen to see the middle of it.
We had a game that Friday night, the second round of the Indiana High School playoffs. It was the first time my school had made it past the first round in long while. We were pumped. We knew most of the guys on the other team because the majority of them were bused out of our school district. Our starting quarterback had been banged up for the latter half of the season and got hurt early in the second half. The back-up was absolutely hammered on his first play and was slow to get up. Due to injury, I had been the second string QB for most of the season, but I was third for this game. I was accustomed to being ready to go in, but I feared that if I were to play, I would not be able to perform. I was a quarterback and I wouldn’t have been able to see the receivers, and we needed to throw. Fortunately, I did not have to play. We were cheated by the officials and lost the game, but that’s another story.
I got more and more panicked as my vision deteriorated. I argued with my mom that I needed to go to the hospital. She finally took me just to shut me up. My aunt lived a couple blocks away, so she borrowed her car. Why couldn't she have done this before?! I was told on Saturday that I only had an infection and was given some eyedrops. He made an appointment for Monday with a specialist just to make sure. We went to that consultation on Monday, Halloween, and literally ten different doctors from maybe 6 different countries were called in to look at me. I had no clue as to what was going on. I was eventually told that they thought I had macular serpiginous chorioretinitis (basically, scars on my retinas), but to go see another specialist at the hospital next door. I asked if I was going blind and the doctor said that he didn’t know for sure, so maybe yes. I started crying. I was scared to death.
The next set of doctors confirmed the diagnosis after some further testing and prescribed some prednisone to stop the scarring. They didn’t know if it would work, and if it had not, there was only one other medicine to try. I was even more fearful now. It's a rare condition, especially for my age, and they don't know much about it. There's no known cause and no way to predict if or how much or when it will get worse. It won't get better. I took the medicine for a month and it apparently worked. The active scarring stopped, anyway, and that was the goal. That was good, but damage was already done.
We didn't have a phone, but my grandma lived close by, and we gave her number to the school. One of my teachers left a message for me to call him back on Thursday, wondering why I'd missed 4 days of classes. I explained the situation, and he convinced me to come back to school on Friday. I remember not wanting to be there, on the verge of tears the whole day, not sure what to tell people. My friends and teachers were all nice and supportive, but they had no words, either, other than the standard "hang in there." I probably watched football and slept most of the weekend. I made it back to school on Monday, but it was hard being there, adjusting to a sudden loss of vision, unable to concentrate, not wanting to break down in front of everyone. I missed the rest of the week. The following Monday, I started going to school regularly again.
I turned 16 a couple weeks later. I don't even remember that birthday, but I do know that it was not sweet. Most of us think about getting our driver's licenses and all of the normal teenage stuff. All I could do was wonder if I'd go completely blind. Most of my birthdays were either unremarkable or ruined somehow, but this one especially so.
Before my eyes messed up on me, things were going fairly well. School was good. I enjoyed my classes, was learning a lot, and I was getting good grades, as usual. I liked my prospects playing sports. I was doing alright socially. There wasn't a particular girl I liked, but I was content with that situation and open to possibilities. Things at home were relatively stable. We were still poor, but we were getting by. The heat and lights and water were on. I was happy, for the most part, and looking forward to life. I was confident in myself. I liked who I was and was more comfortable with myself than I ever had been.
Then BOOM! I can't see. Everything is in disarray. How will this affect school? And sports? Friends? Why did I have to argue for 3 days to go to the doctor? Why wouldn't my mom accommodate me after? How hard is it to turn on the end table lamp instead of the overhead light? Would any girl ever want me? I wasn't all that lucky in the romance department when I didn't have anything physically wrong with me, and now I'm going blind. Who would want to deal with that? Will I be able to drive? How am I going to get out of here? Is it going to get worse? If so when? What am I going to do then? Who's going to take care of me? How long before I can take care of myself? What about school then? College? What did I do wrong, why is this happening to me?
I figured out the light sensitivity pretty quickly, though it took awhile to figure out what to do about it. Glare bothers me quite a bit, especially from overhead. I had to carry around a note from my doctor so I could where my hat at school. That was a pain, showing it to teachers I didn't know. I experimented with several different kinds of glasses. I was already a little a nearsighted, and had some spectacles for that. I tried different shades of clip on accessories, dark for outside, yellow for inside to reduce glare. I got new, transition lens bifocals, hoping that magnification would help me see when reading. It took a couple days to get used to those and I almost fell down the stairs a few times. None of those ended up working and I ended up settling on sunglasses most of the time. The hat turned into a visor at the end of HS. The brim is wider, and it leaves my head open, keeping it cooler.
The biggest issues are with reading. The print has to be big enough or the blind spots make it impossible to see. Since my eyes have to work harder, they tire more quickly and once they're done, they're done for awhile. The weather affects them--they don't do well in the dry cold. Lack of sleep hurts, and I've never slept well. The more I'd use my eyes (mainly reading), the worse they'd feel. There's an accumulation effect. It was harder to see the chalk board in class. We ended up getting worksheets and assignments blown up into larger print. My books were copied to be made larger. I was given extensions to complete assignments. All of my teachers were really cool and worked with me. I tried taping lectures and listening to books on tape, but those didn't help. I just fell asleep. It finally came down to "I'll get to it when I can get to it." I was lucky to have the support that I had at school. I was accommodated very well in college, for the most part, too, and I'm appreciative of that.
That's not to say that it was easy. I had always done well in school; it came naturally to me. I never really had to study much, and when I did, I could and did wait until the last minute. I still did well, though. My study habits had to change considerably after all of this. I could no longer do the work when I wanted to do it, rather, I had to do it when I physically feel like it. I had to stop in the middle of assignments, ruining the flow. I'd fall behind because I could’t things when they were assigned. It was rather difficult to function “normally” in class. I was often unable to take notes, forced to rely on my memory a great deal more. My junior year of high school, I did over a semester’s worth of calculus work, some sixty tests and quizzes, in two weeks. I did about the equivalent amount of work for my AP English class senior year. It only got harder in college with more challenging courses.
Macular serpiginous chorioretinitis
= scars on retinas = blind spots
*Rare, especially for young age at outset (October, 1994)
*Not much known, nothing new
*Best guess = auto-immune
*Blind spots in different places -> compensation
-> more work -> strain
*Strain -> discomfort/pain -> stop reading & rest
-> academic/work issues
*Light 'charges' scars, making them completely prevalent
in each eye (much like toy glow in the dark stars)
*More light (intensity, frequency, duration)
-> less/no compensation -> harder work
*Bright flashes (e.g. cameras) are worse short term
(minutes to hours)
*Long exposure to bright light is worse longer term
(hours to days)
*Left eye scar is more central, blind spot worse
Right eye got worse
*Was stable since original scarring until July, 2008
*Similar symptoms as 1994
*Scar is now bigger/more central in right eye
*Blind spots overlap more = less compensation
= more loss of vision
*Still getting used to new spot - seeing flashes
*Stable now - could get worse again whenever
My eyes are still an issue, but they haven't specifically bugged me much lately. I do have to take breaks from messing around on the computer and from watching TV, but the wooziness usually gets to me before my eyes do. I have to move my eyes/head around a bit to see what I'm looking at, and that motion gets me woozy. My eyes are worse in winter with the cold and lack of moisture. The eye stuff is completely unrelated to the tumor stuff--a separate problem.
The scars had been pretty stable since right after they originally flared up. My right eye got a little worse a couple of summers ago. It was always in the back of my mind that they could get worse, but I suppose I'd become complacent and didn't think too much about that until they did. I wondered if this was it, if I'd completely lose my sight this time. The episode didn't last long and stabilized in the time it took me to get seen by the ophthalmologist. They don't know much more now than they did when I was 15.
Though I'm used to my limitations, it's still scary thinking about the possibility of losing my sight completely. Try to walk down the street with your eyes closed--do not peek--and feel how frightening that is. I do it every once in a while to prepare myself if my condition gets worse. It isn’t easy. The blind spots and impaired vision are always with me. Very often I'll gaze at the alarm clock and think that I forgot to turn it on, but then I get a better angle and realize that the light was just obstructed by the scarring. I'll freak out that I didn't hit the timer button on the VCR (yes, I still use VCRs), but then I'll observe that I just couldn't see that, too. People have to get fairly close to me in order for me to see their faces. Those that I know well are easier to recognize by their gaits and body and clothes. It's hard to read signs in public, or to see the scoreboard at games. Reading things posted on TV is difficult.
I appreciate sight more. I could sit all day and look at the clouds and watch the sun rise and set. I like to see leaves blowing in the trees and falling to the ground. Rain falling is beautiful. Nature is amazing. In most ways, physical beauty isn’t as important nor as impressive, though still admired, only from a new perspective. I love smiles, especially when directed at me, especially when unexpected. Uniqueness is appreciated.
Halloween isn't my favorite holiday. It never was, really. I always found it odd that we were told to stay away from strangers but on one night a year, we could ask them for candy. Being poor, I never had a good costume, either. Being diagnosed with a serious eye condition on that date sealed the deal. I'll still eat the candy, though :). I don't get as depressed as I used to on Halloween. The last couple years, I didn't think about it being an anniversary until after the fact. It'll get me a little this year, I think. It's been half my life...and counting.
My eye stuff has been a big part of the riff between my mom and me. First, I had to argue with her, literally scream and yell, to get her to take me to the doctor. "What? Do you want me to take you to the hospital?" she asked. I guess me saying, "I can't see! I need to go to the hospital!" wasn't clear enough the first thousand times. She still doesn't think she did anything wrong there. It probably wouldn't have saved any of my sight, but still, I WAS FUCKING GOING BLIND!!!! And then she'd make no accommodations whatsoever for me at home. I'd complain, nicely at first, about the light and she'd tell me to wear my hat or glasses. I shouldn't have to wear a hat and sunglasses INSIDE MY OWN HOUSE, especially when it would be very easy just to use alternate lighting. It's bad enough that I have to wear that stuff whenever I'm out of the house, but at home? And she wondered why I spent so much time in my room. 1) I didn't have to wear extra stuff to see, and 2) I didn't have to be around her. This kind of ridiculousness and uncaring has extended to dealing with the tumor stuff, too, but that's for another time.
Wow...now it's been slightly more than half my life I've dealt with this. I've had this longer than I haven't. It'll never go away barring a major medical breakthrough. And it's crazy that something so serious and that dominated so much of my life is now playing second fiddle to something else that's also very rare and even more severe. Even though the wooziness and tumor stuff dictate so much of what I can and can't do, whenever I get too happy or too content, all I have to do is close one eye and look directly at something. It's instantly humbling literally seeing that limitation.
If/when I get better from the tumor and the wooziness, I'll still have my eyes to deal with. Any work I would potentially do would be at the mercy of my eyes. It's been so long that they've been an active problem, it'll take me awhile to re-figure all of that out again. It will still be difficult to get things done on time. Quality will have to be sacrificed just to finish many tasks. I'll still have days when I can't do anything productive. I'll still be handicapped. And I'll still have to worry about my eyes getting worse...without warning...again...
It's been rough and hard and sad and so fucking frustrating. I've always tried to be respectful and caring and empathetic and appreciative, but dealing this has forced me to be so. When you can't do something, when it's physically impossible, when there is no way around it, it's hard not to be humbled. I don't know that I needed humbling. I only accept my limitations as much as I have to. It's still hard to be patient through it all, but I've learned to let go some. Being more aware of how precious and beautiful life and nature can be is nice. I guess that's a silver lining. I would much rather have just had an epiphany: hey, wow, isn't that something?! It is what it is and I'm doing what I do.
Thanks for reading...I'll see you later,
-B
P.S.
Ask me questions, anything, anonymously if you wish at: http://www.formspring.me/visorbrent
I didn’t think too much of it, expecting it to be gone by morning. School was out Thursday and Friday, but I still had to go to practice. The spots got bigger and and the blurring started getting worse and I began to worry. I told my mom that maybe something was wrong and that I wanted to go to the doctor. We had neither medical insurance, a car, nor enough money to pay the hospital bill, so she told me to wait a few days and see what happened. "Maybe it will go away," she said. I was worried and really wanted to go, but I decided not to push it--yet. We rented some videos that night, and that’s when I got scared. I couldn’t see what was on the television screen--the blind spots were in the way. I had to focus on the corner of the screen to see the middle of it.
We had a game that Friday night, the second round of the Indiana High School playoffs. It was the first time my school had made it past the first round in long while. We were pumped. We knew most of the guys on the other team because the majority of them were bused out of our school district. Our starting quarterback had been banged up for the latter half of the season and got hurt early in the second half. The back-up was absolutely hammered on his first play and was slow to get up. Due to injury, I had been the second string QB for most of the season, but I was third for this game. I was accustomed to being ready to go in, but I feared that if I were to play, I would not be able to perform. I was a quarterback and I wouldn’t have been able to see the receivers, and we needed to throw. Fortunately, I did not have to play. We were cheated by the officials and lost the game, but that’s another story.
I got more and more panicked as my vision deteriorated. I argued with my mom that I needed to go to the hospital. She finally took me just to shut me up. My aunt lived a couple blocks away, so she borrowed her car. Why couldn't she have done this before?! I was told on Saturday that I only had an infection and was given some eyedrops. He made an appointment for Monday with a specialist just to make sure. We went to that consultation on Monday, Halloween, and literally ten different doctors from maybe 6 different countries were called in to look at me. I had no clue as to what was going on. I was eventually told that they thought I had macular serpiginous chorioretinitis (basically, scars on my retinas), but to go see another specialist at the hospital next door. I asked if I was going blind and the doctor said that he didn’t know for sure, so maybe yes. I started crying. I was scared to death.
The next set of doctors confirmed the diagnosis after some further testing and prescribed some prednisone to stop the scarring. They didn’t know if it would work, and if it had not, there was only one other medicine to try. I was even more fearful now. It's a rare condition, especially for my age, and they don't know much about it. There's no known cause and no way to predict if or how much or when it will get worse. It won't get better. I took the medicine for a month and it apparently worked. The active scarring stopped, anyway, and that was the goal. That was good, but damage was already done.
We didn't have a phone, but my grandma lived close by, and we gave her number to the school. One of my teachers left a message for me to call him back on Thursday, wondering why I'd missed 4 days of classes. I explained the situation, and he convinced me to come back to school on Friday. I remember not wanting to be there, on the verge of tears the whole day, not sure what to tell people. My friends and teachers were all nice and supportive, but they had no words, either, other than the standard "hang in there." I probably watched football and slept most of the weekend. I made it back to school on Monday, but it was hard being there, adjusting to a sudden loss of vision, unable to concentrate, not wanting to break down in front of everyone. I missed the rest of the week. The following Monday, I started going to school regularly again.
I turned 16 a couple weeks later. I don't even remember that birthday, but I do know that it was not sweet. Most of us think about getting our driver's licenses and all of the normal teenage stuff. All I could do was wonder if I'd go completely blind. Most of my birthdays were either unremarkable or ruined somehow, but this one especially so.
Before my eyes messed up on me, things were going fairly well. School was good. I enjoyed my classes, was learning a lot, and I was getting good grades, as usual. I liked my prospects playing sports. I was doing alright socially. There wasn't a particular girl I liked, but I was content with that situation and open to possibilities. Things at home were relatively stable. We were still poor, but we were getting by. The heat and lights and water were on. I was happy, for the most part, and looking forward to life. I was confident in myself. I liked who I was and was more comfortable with myself than I ever had been.
Then BOOM! I can't see. Everything is in disarray. How will this affect school? And sports? Friends? Why did I have to argue for 3 days to go to the doctor? Why wouldn't my mom accommodate me after? How hard is it to turn on the end table lamp instead of the overhead light? Would any girl ever want me? I wasn't all that lucky in the romance department when I didn't have anything physically wrong with me, and now I'm going blind. Who would want to deal with that? Will I be able to drive? How am I going to get out of here? Is it going to get worse? If so when? What am I going to do then? Who's going to take care of me? How long before I can take care of myself? What about school then? College? What did I do wrong, why is this happening to me?
I figured out the light sensitivity pretty quickly, though it took awhile to figure out what to do about it. Glare bothers me quite a bit, especially from overhead. I had to carry around a note from my doctor so I could where my hat at school. That was a pain, showing it to teachers I didn't know. I experimented with several different kinds of glasses. I was already a little a nearsighted, and had some spectacles for that. I tried different shades of clip on accessories, dark for outside, yellow for inside to reduce glare. I got new, transition lens bifocals, hoping that magnification would help me see when reading. It took a couple days to get used to those and I almost fell down the stairs a few times. None of those ended up working and I ended up settling on sunglasses most of the time. The hat turned into a visor at the end of HS. The brim is wider, and it leaves my head open, keeping it cooler.
The biggest issues are with reading. The print has to be big enough or the blind spots make it impossible to see. Since my eyes have to work harder, they tire more quickly and once they're done, they're done for awhile. The weather affects them--they don't do well in the dry cold. Lack of sleep hurts, and I've never slept well. The more I'd use my eyes (mainly reading), the worse they'd feel. There's an accumulation effect. It was harder to see the chalk board in class. We ended up getting worksheets and assignments blown up into larger print. My books were copied to be made larger. I was given extensions to complete assignments. All of my teachers were really cool and worked with me. I tried taping lectures and listening to books on tape, but those didn't help. I just fell asleep. It finally came down to "I'll get to it when I can get to it." I was lucky to have the support that I had at school. I was accommodated very well in college, for the most part, too, and I'm appreciative of that.
That's not to say that it was easy. I had always done well in school; it came naturally to me. I never really had to study much, and when I did, I could and did wait until the last minute. I still did well, though. My study habits had to change considerably after all of this. I could no longer do the work when I wanted to do it, rather, I had to do it when I physically feel like it. I had to stop in the middle of assignments, ruining the flow. I'd fall behind because I could’t things when they were assigned. It was rather difficult to function “normally” in class. I was often unable to take notes, forced to rely on my memory a great deal more. My junior year of high school, I did over a semester’s worth of calculus work, some sixty tests and quizzes, in two weeks. I did about the equivalent amount of work for my AP English class senior year. It only got harder in college with more challenging courses.
Macular serpiginous chorioretinitis
= scars on retinas = blind spots
*Rare, especially for young age at outset (October, 1994)
*Not much known, nothing new
*Best guess = auto-immune
*Blind spots in different places -> compensation
-> more work -> strain
*Strain -> discomfort/pain -> stop reading & rest
-> academic/work issues
*Light 'charges' scars, making them completely prevalent
in each eye (much like toy glow in the dark stars)
*More light (intensity, frequency, duration)
-> less/no compensation -> harder work
*Bright flashes (e.g. cameras) are worse short term
(minutes to hours)
*Long exposure to bright light is worse longer term
(hours to days)
*Left eye scar is more central, blind spot worse
Right eye got worse
*Was stable since original scarring until July, 2008
*Similar symptoms as 1994
*Scar is now bigger/more central in right eye
*Blind spots overlap more = less compensation
= more loss of vision
*Still getting used to new spot - seeing flashes
*Stable now - could get worse again whenever
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| My Retinas (8-19-08) |
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My eyes are still an issue, but they haven't specifically bugged me much lately. I do have to take breaks from messing around on the computer and from watching TV, but the wooziness usually gets to me before my eyes do. I have to move my eyes/head around a bit to see what I'm looking at, and that motion gets me woozy. My eyes are worse in winter with the cold and lack of moisture. The eye stuff is completely unrelated to the tumor stuff--a separate problem.
The scars had been pretty stable since right after they originally flared up. My right eye got a little worse a couple of summers ago. It was always in the back of my mind that they could get worse, but I suppose I'd become complacent and didn't think too much about that until they did. I wondered if this was it, if I'd completely lose my sight this time. The episode didn't last long and stabilized in the time it took me to get seen by the ophthalmologist. They don't know much more now than they did when I was 15.
Though I'm used to my limitations, it's still scary thinking about the possibility of losing my sight completely. Try to walk down the street with your eyes closed--do not peek--and feel how frightening that is. I do it every once in a while to prepare myself if my condition gets worse. It isn’t easy. The blind spots and impaired vision are always with me. Very often I'll gaze at the alarm clock and think that I forgot to turn it on, but then I get a better angle and realize that the light was just obstructed by the scarring. I'll freak out that I didn't hit the timer button on the VCR (yes, I still use VCRs), but then I'll observe that I just couldn't see that, too. People have to get fairly close to me in order for me to see their faces. Those that I know well are easier to recognize by their gaits and body and clothes. It's hard to read signs in public, or to see the scoreboard at games. Reading things posted on TV is difficult.
I appreciate sight more. I could sit all day and look at the clouds and watch the sun rise and set. I like to see leaves blowing in the trees and falling to the ground. Rain falling is beautiful. Nature is amazing. In most ways, physical beauty isn’t as important nor as impressive, though still admired, only from a new perspective. I love smiles, especially when directed at me, especially when unexpected. Uniqueness is appreciated.
Halloween isn't my favorite holiday. It never was, really. I always found it odd that we were told to stay away from strangers but on one night a year, we could ask them for candy. Being poor, I never had a good costume, either. Being diagnosed with a serious eye condition on that date sealed the deal. I'll still eat the candy, though :). I don't get as depressed as I used to on Halloween. The last couple years, I didn't think about it being an anniversary until after the fact. It'll get me a little this year, I think. It's been half my life...and counting.
My eye stuff has been a big part of the riff between my mom and me. First, I had to argue with her, literally scream and yell, to get her to take me to the doctor. "What? Do you want me to take you to the hospital?" she asked. I guess me saying, "I can't see! I need to go to the hospital!" wasn't clear enough the first thousand times. She still doesn't think she did anything wrong there. It probably wouldn't have saved any of my sight, but still, I WAS FUCKING GOING BLIND!!!! And then she'd make no accommodations whatsoever for me at home. I'd complain, nicely at first, about the light and she'd tell me to wear my hat or glasses. I shouldn't have to wear a hat and sunglasses INSIDE MY OWN HOUSE, especially when it would be very easy just to use alternate lighting. It's bad enough that I have to wear that stuff whenever I'm out of the house, but at home? And she wondered why I spent so much time in my room. 1) I didn't have to wear extra stuff to see, and 2) I didn't have to be around her. This kind of ridiculousness and uncaring has extended to dealing with the tumor stuff, too, but that's for another time.
Wow...now it's been slightly more than half my life I've dealt with this. I've had this longer than I haven't. It'll never go away barring a major medical breakthrough. And it's crazy that something so serious and that dominated so much of my life is now playing second fiddle to something else that's also very rare and even more severe. Even though the wooziness and tumor stuff dictate so much of what I can and can't do, whenever I get too happy or too content, all I have to do is close one eye and look directly at something. It's instantly humbling literally seeing that limitation.
If/when I get better from the tumor and the wooziness, I'll still have my eyes to deal with. Any work I would potentially do would be at the mercy of my eyes. It's been so long that they've been an active problem, it'll take me awhile to re-figure all of that out again. It will still be difficult to get things done on time. Quality will have to be sacrificed just to finish many tasks. I'll still have days when I can't do anything productive. I'll still be handicapped. And I'll still have to worry about my eyes getting worse...without warning...again...
It's been rough and hard and sad and so fucking frustrating. I've always tried to be respectful and caring and empathetic and appreciative, but dealing this has forced me to be so. When you can't do something, when it's physically impossible, when there is no way around it, it's hard not to be humbled. I don't know that I needed humbling. I only accept my limitations as much as I have to. It's still hard to be patient through it all, but I've learned to let go some. Being more aware of how precious and beautiful life and nature can be is nice. I guess that's a silver lining. I would much rather have just had an epiphany: hey, wow, isn't that something?! It is what it is and I'm doing what I do.
Thanks for reading...I'll see you later,
-B
P.S.
Ask me questions, anything, anonymously if you wish at: http://www.formspring.me/visorbrent
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
What do you think....?
There's not a lot to report for Monday. I messed around online a bit (shocker, I know), chatted some, and crashed. I just wanted to take a nap for a couple/few hours, but ended up sleeping quite awhile. I did get good news, though. It's looking like I'll be going to the ND/Western Michigan football game. A good friend is hooking me up. She rocks! It'll be my first time back to campus since 2002. It's been too long.
I've really enjoyed blogging. I've always liked to write, and I enjoy sharing my life and my experiences, too. I wish I had more interesting things to say on a more regular basis, though, but that's just how it goes, I guess. Hopefully you do get a better sense of what's going on with me by reading this. It's often hard to put into words how I'm feeling (physically) or how it's affecting me, otherwise, but if you can take the whole blog as one entity, as different chapters of the same book, that should give you some insight into my situation and how I'm dealing with it. That's the goal, anyway.
I'm a little disappointed that more people aren't reading. So many friends had suggested that I do this, and that they'd be interested in reading it, but that hasn't been followed through so much. I'm maybe more bummed out that I haven't gotten more feedback from those who do check this out. I'm very grateful for all who do read and comment, but I was really wanting this to be more interactive. I know that I've mostly written about how I'm not feeling great and how I just mess around online, and I don't expect a comment about each little point I make, but I'd still like to know what you all think. Too, I'm not being as serious, sometimes, as I apparently come across. A lot of what I write about is meant to be a bit tongue-in-cheek and self-deprecating. It's OK to laugh. For example, my Old Man Puberty piece was supposed to be funny, and my specific requests for you not to laugh at me were attempts to highlight the humor. I realize that our senses of humor may not completely match up, but please at least keep in mind that even when I'm telling the God's honest truth, I may not be as grim as you might first think.
Is there anything that you want to know about me? Is there any topic you'd like me to write about? Do you have any suggestions about the layout or format of the blog? Do you have any criticisms? What could I do better? What's working? How can I make this more interesting? How do I make this more interactive?
Another way to ask me questions, anonymously if you choose, is to go here: http://www.formspring.me/visorbrent. You don't have to sign up to ask a question, and I'll answer just about anything. There's a tab on my Facebook profile where you can access this, too. Check it out and ask me something :).
The biggest reason I decided to start this blog was to be more connected you guys. You'd get to see more of my day to day life (or lack thereof), plus I'd share my thoughts on this or that. Unfortunately, I've mostly just done recaps of what's been going on and haven't touched much on other topics. I was able to put up the Old Man Puberty post, and I added a poem to another. And not every other post was only explication. Whatever the case, a connection goes both ways, so please help me with that. I'd really appreciate you just letting me know you read it. 'Liking' the link I put on Facebook would be cool for that. Checking either "cool," "interesting," "funny," or "informative" at the bottom works, too. Help me make this more worthy of interaction. What do you want to read about?
Again, thanks to all who do check this out, especially my regular readers. I know I have a few of you out there, and I appreciate it very much.
Hopefully this didn't come across as me whining too much. And I do realize that if you're reading this, most of my pleas don't apply to you. But please do let me know what you'd like to see more/less of and how I can make this better for you. I'll do my very best to integrate your suggestions and I'll surely answer your questions.
Thanks so very much and happy Tuesday!
-B
I've really enjoyed blogging. I've always liked to write, and I enjoy sharing my life and my experiences, too. I wish I had more interesting things to say on a more regular basis, though, but that's just how it goes, I guess. Hopefully you do get a better sense of what's going on with me by reading this. It's often hard to put into words how I'm feeling (physically) or how it's affecting me, otherwise, but if you can take the whole blog as one entity, as different chapters of the same book, that should give you some insight into my situation and how I'm dealing with it. That's the goal, anyway.
I'm a little disappointed that more people aren't reading. So many friends had suggested that I do this, and that they'd be interested in reading it, but that hasn't been followed through so much. I'm maybe more bummed out that I haven't gotten more feedback from those who do check this out. I'm very grateful for all who do read and comment, but I was really wanting this to be more interactive. I know that I've mostly written about how I'm not feeling great and how I just mess around online, and I don't expect a comment about each little point I make, but I'd still like to know what you all think. Too, I'm not being as serious, sometimes, as I apparently come across. A lot of what I write about is meant to be a bit tongue-in-cheek and self-deprecating. It's OK to laugh. For example, my Old Man Puberty piece was supposed to be funny, and my specific requests for you not to laugh at me were attempts to highlight the humor. I realize that our senses of humor may not completely match up, but please at least keep in mind that even when I'm telling the God's honest truth, I may not be as grim as you might first think.
Is there anything that you want to know about me? Is there any topic you'd like me to write about? Do you have any suggestions about the layout or format of the blog? Do you have any criticisms? What could I do better? What's working? How can I make this more interesting? How do I make this more interactive?
Another way to ask me questions, anonymously if you choose, is to go here: http://www.formspring.me/visorbrent. You don't have to sign up to ask a question, and I'll answer just about anything. There's a tab on my Facebook profile where you can access this, too. Check it out and ask me something :).
The biggest reason I decided to start this blog was to be more connected you guys. You'd get to see more of my day to day life (or lack thereof), plus I'd share my thoughts on this or that. Unfortunately, I've mostly just done recaps of what's been going on and haven't touched much on other topics. I was able to put up the Old Man Puberty post, and I added a poem to another. And not every other post was only explication. Whatever the case, a connection goes both ways, so please help me with that. I'd really appreciate you just letting me know you read it. 'Liking' the link I put on Facebook would be cool for that. Checking either "cool," "interesting," "funny," or "informative" at the bottom works, too. Help me make this more worthy of interaction. What do you want to read about?
Again, thanks to all who do check this out, especially my regular readers. I know I have a few of you out there, and I appreciate it very much.
Hopefully this didn't come across as me whining too much. And I do realize that if you're reading this, most of my pleas don't apply to you. But please do let me know what you'd like to see more/less of and how I can make this better for you. I'll do my very best to integrate your suggestions and I'll surely answer your questions.
Thanks so very much and happy Tuesday!
-B
Monday, September 27, 2010
My weekend: UFC 119, ND/Stanford, Colts/Broncos...
It's been a busy few days for me, and it's taking its toll now, but I'm not complaining. I had a blast doing all of the UFC 119 stuff and it was great being out, making new friends, and hanging with established buddies. I haven't had this much fun and excitement in awhile, and I'm thankful for the opportunities and the company. I missed blogging for the first time since I started yesterday, but here's how my weekend went:
Saturday
I crashed Friday night around midnight, originally just planning on sleeping a couple hours, getting up, blogging, and catching up on stuff online, etc., before showering and going back to bed at my usual time. The back up plan was to sleep until 4AM, take my medicine, and do a condensed version of my original intentions. I ended up sleeping until after 5AM, apparently having turned off my alarm clock instead of snoozing it. I figured I'd blog, catch up on Facebook and Twitter, shower, then go back to bed for a few hours before the ND/Stanford game. I messed around and missed being able to shower before my parents got up, so I had to wait on that for a couple hours. I was feeling surprisingly refreshed, though, so it wasn't a big deal. I decided to cut my hair once the bathroom was free since I was feeling up to it. In the meantime, I caught up on some TV and chatted a bit, which I also did after I was done with my hair and shower. I should have gone back to bed for a couple of hours, but I had some UFC 119 preview shows that I wanted to make sure I caught before the fights later that night. I was still feeling good, so it wasn't a problem.
Shortly after the Notre Dame game started, though, I could feel myself fading. Even with the 5 hours I got the night before, I'd only slept about 10 hours, total, in 3 days. In the past, that wouldn't be much of a problem, but since I've been woozy, and used to being in bed 10+ hours a day, along with not feeling great, the lack of sleep hit me a little extra hard. It didn't help that it was hard to get excited during the game since we played so badly. Stanford is good. We made way too many mistakes and didn't capitalize on theirs. I think those growing pains I mentioned last time will last awhile longer than I'd hoped and expected. We still have the time and the opportunity to make something of this season, and I have confidence that the coaches and players will do all that they can to get on the right track. We're 1-3, and 2 plays away from being 3-1 after playing a pretty tough schedule. Our last 3 opponents are all undefeated and ranked, with Stanford now in the top 10. I'm disappointed in our record, but not with our effort.
After the game, it was time to get ready to go downtown to watch the UFC at Buffalo Wings and Rings. It's a good place to watch the fights. They have tons of TVs and it's the easiest public place to hear what's going on. The food is good, too. My brother was over and came with us. My friend brought a friend and picked up my brother and me and we got to the restaurant at 8PM. The televised fights didn't start until 9PM, but I anticipated a crowded downtown with UFC-related overflow and wanted to make sure we got a table. It ended up not being so packed that early, but it was still cool to be out of the house and with friends. The fights started, and it was go time. While we waited for my other friends to show, my brother knocked over his drink and made a mess. It took some time to get that all cleaned up and dry, but it wasn't that bad, overall. I was distracted by the action on TV, so I was good. My buddy and his girlfriend made it right after the first fight was over, and our party was rounded out when the last of our group made it just as the PPV started at 10PM.
The fights were pretty good with few exceptions. A couple had less action than I would have anticipated, but I'm not one to boo guys who put so much on the line in the cage. The only real snoozer was the main event, which was just weird. Both guys are usually much more aggressive, but they were both just off. It ended specatcularly, though, which lessened the blow of the lack of excitement before. Three of the four local fighters on the card won and looked good doing so. I did well with my predictions, too.
It was a good time! Once the fights started, the adrenaline started pumping and I was wide awake having fun. The caffiene from all of the tea may have contributed some. If nothing else, having to pee every 5 minutes is a good way to be kept awake ;). And I had to be alert while in the restroom to avoid the splashing in the urinal. That is sooooo nasty and you'd think they'd find a better design. Not only does it get on the person using it, but it gets all over the floor, too. I hate using public restrooms, especially at places where they serve alcohol. But I digress.
Two MMA coaches/trainers, Greg Jackson and Mike Winkeljohn, came in to eat. Jackson may be the best trainer out there. He's based in Albuquerque, NM, and has many former, current, and future champions in his stable. I love his philosophy on fighting and admire the way he goes about things. I know less about Winkeljohn, but he's a former champion kickboxer and a great striking coach. He lost an eye not long ago in a freak accident at the gym while training some guys. It's good to see him back at it. Both were super nice. We chatted for a minute about the fights and how good of a time they had in Indy. There was a good little chat about the crowd not always understanding all of the technical aspects of a fight and booing. It was awesome to be called a knowledgeable fight fan by one of the best in the game! I didn't want to bug them for too long since they were there to eat, so I didn't take up too much of their time. They were nice enough to sign for me:
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Local firefighter and a winner Saturday night, Chris "Lights Out" Lytle, had his after party at our restaurant. The friends I rode with were staying, but those who met us there left. My brother was tired, so he got a ride with those who didn't stay. Big ups to them for helping me out and giving him a ride! The PPV was over at 1AM, as it always is, so it was just a waiting game until Chris showed up. People kept coming in and it got super packed pretty quickly. John Mellencamp even came, and my friend got her picture with him. I tried to get an autograph, but was told he was going to eat and would be available later. He looked old in person, but was friendly enough, I suppose. Lytle didn't make in until around 2AM. I'd forgotten about the Post Fight Press Conference at first, which is why it took him so long to get there. He was really happy and excited and genuinely grateful for all of the support he got. All of the local fighters got a big pop from the crowd in the arena, but Chris got the biggest cheers of the night. He came into the restaurant smiling and high-fiving everyone as he made his way to the back corner to meet Mellencamp and take some pictures with him and the owner of the establishment. We made it back there to wait for him to come out to get a picture with him.
He was so nice and so gracious with his time. He was more than happy to spend time with his fans and really seemed to enjoy it. He didn't seem to be marked up too badly, either, considering the stand up battle he was in. Before I got his autograph for my brother (not the same bro who came with me), he borrowed my pen to sign a little girl's shirt. He was so sweet with her, which was cute. We talked with him for a minute while he signed for me and then we got the picture. I let the guy behind us, who was nice enough to snap the picture for us, borrow my pen so he could get an autograph, then we made our way out. Mellencamp walked past us and left while we were with Chris, so I missed him.
It was awesome hanging out and getting to meet Chris again. I'd talked to him for a second and gotten his autograph at the Pre Fight Press Conference on Thursday, and he was super nice then, too. I'm still really bummed that I couldn't get tickets, but watching the fights with friends was a great consolation prize :).
Once home, I caught up on Facebook and Twitter. Many of the posts were about the fights. I then checked out post fight interviews and analysis and watched the Post Fight Press Conference. It took me a few hours to get through all of that, and I crashed shortly after. I was pretty loopy by that point, but in a good, happy way :).
Sunday
I slept pretty well Saturday night. I was hoping to make some plans with someone on Sunday, so I got up around 1PM (or else I would have slept until the Colts game at 4PM). I took a shower and ate some cereal, but the longer I was up, the more I realized I wasn't going to be able to do much. I felt pretty good the first 90 minutes or so I was awake, but then it all went downhill. I lay down as I watched the Colts and ended up dozing on and off again. It was more from feeling bad than being tired, though. All of the excitement from the week, the lack of sleep, and the changing weather got to me, I think. The Colts won, so I'll take that.
I wanted to get up for supper, but couldn't. I'd hoped to be able to nap for a couple of hours, then get up and reheat the fod, but that didn't work out, either. I finally got up a bit after 4AM to take my meds after snoozing the alarm for I don't know how long. I've felt OK since then, but still a bit out of it. Since I've been out of bed, I've caught up on some stuff online, eaten, fed the pets, and worked on this. I'll probably mess around online a bit more then head back to bed for a little while. I'll be awake for a bit after an 11 hour or so nap.
I can already tell that I'll be paying for all of the fun I've had recently for awhile, but I'm so happy that I was able to do so much. Even considering how troubling it was after the Pre Fight Press Conference when I almost passed out and needed help to get up and around and home, it was a great, great, great couple of days. Being able to be apart of the UFC hoopla directly and up close and personally, meeting fighters, meeting Dana White, meeting Ariel Helwani, making new friends and just feeling the buzz in the city was such a pleasure. And except for some money spent on food, it was all free, too. I can't wait for them to come back!
Happy Monday,
-B
P.S.
For more on UFC 119, check out: http://navitabjj.blogspot.com/
Saturday
I crashed Friday night around midnight, originally just planning on sleeping a couple hours, getting up, blogging, and catching up on stuff online, etc., before showering and going back to bed at my usual time. The back up plan was to sleep until 4AM, take my medicine, and do a condensed version of my original intentions. I ended up sleeping until after 5AM, apparently having turned off my alarm clock instead of snoozing it. I figured I'd blog, catch up on Facebook and Twitter, shower, then go back to bed for a few hours before the ND/Stanford game. I messed around and missed being able to shower before my parents got up, so I had to wait on that for a couple hours. I was feeling surprisingly refreshed, though, so it wasn't a big deal. I decided to cut my hair once the bathroom was free since I was feeling up to it. In the meantime, I caught up on some TV and chatted a bit, which I also did after I was done with my hair and shower. I should have gone back to bed for a couple of hours, but I had some UFC 119 preview shows that I wanted to make sure I caught before the fights later that night. I was still feeling good, so it wasn't a problem.
Shortly after the Notre Dame game started, though, I could feel myself fading. Even with the 5 hours I got the night before, I'd only slept about 10 hours, total, in 3 days. In the past, that wouldn't be much of a problem, but since I've been woozy, and used to being in bed 10+ hours a day, along with not feeling great, the lack of sleep hit me a little extra hard. It didn't help that it was hard to get excited during the game since we played so badly. Stanford is good. We made way too many mistakes and didn't capitalize on theirs. I think those growing pains I mentioned last time will last awhile longer than I'd hoped and expected. We still have the time and the opportunity to make something of this season, and I have confidence that the coaches and players will do all that they can to get on the right track. We're 1-3, and 2 plays away from being 3-1 after playing a pretty tough schedule. Our last 3 opponents are all undefeated and ranked, with Stanford now in the top 10. I'm disappointed in our record, but not with our effort.
After the game, it was time to get ready to go downtown to watch the UFC at Buffalo Wings and Rings. It's a good place to watch the fights. They have tons of TVs and it's the easiest public place to hear what's going on. The food is good, too. My brother was over and came with us. My friend brought a friend and picked up my brother and me and we got to the restaurant at 8PM. The televised fights didn't start until 9PM, but I anticipated a crowded downtown with UFC-related overflow and wanted to make sure we got a table. It ended up not being so packed that early, but it was still cool to be out of the house and with friends. The fights started, and it was go time. While we waited for my other friends to show, my brother knocked over his drink and made a mess. It took some time to get that all cleaned up and dry, but it wasn't that bad, overall. I was distracted by the action on TV, so I was good. My buddy and his girlfriend made it right after the first fight was over, and our party was rounded out when the last of our group made it just as the PPV started at 10PM.
The fights were pretty good with few exceptions. A couple had less action than I would have anticipated, but I'm not one to boo guys who put so much on the line in the cage. The only real snoozer was the main event, which was just weird. Both guys are usually much more aggressive, but they were both just off. It ended specatcularly, though, which lessened the blow of the lack of excitement before. Three of the four local fighters on the card won and looked good doing so. I did well with my predictions, too.
It was a good time! Once the fights started, the adrenaline started pumping and I was wide awake having fun. The caffiene from all of the tea may have contributed some. If nothing else, having to pee every 5 minutes is a good way to be kept awake ;). And I had to be alert while in the restroom to avoid the splashing in the urinal. That is sooooo nasty and you'd think they'd find a better design. Not only does it get on the person using it, but it gets all over the floor, too. I hate using public restrooms, especially at places where they serve alcohol. But I digress.
Two MMA coaches/trainers, Greg Jackson and Mike Winkeljohn, came in to eat. Jackson may be the best trainer out there. He's based in Albuquerque, NM, and has many former, current, and future champions in his stable. I love his philosophy on fighting and admire the way he goes about things. I know less about Winkeljohn, but he's a former champion kickboxer and a great striking coach. He lost an eye not long ago in a freak accident at the gym while training some guys. It's good to see him back at it. Both were super nice. We chatted for a minute about the fights and how good of a time they had in Indy. There was a good little chat about the crowd not always understanding all of the technical aspects of a fight and booing. It was awesome to be called a knowledgeable fight fan by one of the best in the game! I didn't want to bug them for too long since they were there to eat, so I didn't take up too much of their time. They were nice enough to sign for me:
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It was awesome hanging out and getting to meet Chris again. I'd talked to him for a second and gotten his autograph at the Pre Fight Press Conference on Thursday, and he was super nice then, too. I'm still really bummed that I couldn't get tickets, but watching the fights with friends was a great consolation prize :).
Once home, I caught up on Facebook and Twitter. Many of the posts were about the fights. I then checked out post fight interviews and analysis and watched the Post Fight Press Conference. It took me a few hours to get through all of that, and I crashed shortly after. I was pretty loopy by that point, but in a good, happy way :).
Sunday
I slept pretty well Saturday night. I was hoping to make some plans with someone on Sunday, so I got up around 1PM (or else I would have slept until the Colts game at 4PM). I took a shower and ate some cereal, but the longer I was up, the more I realized I wasn't going to be able to do much. I felt pretty good the first 90 minutes or so I was awake, but then it all went downhill. I lay down as I watched the Colts and ended up dozing on and off again. It was more from feeling bad than being tired, though. All of the excitement from the week, the lack of sleep, and the changing weather got to me, I think. The Colts won, so I'll take that.
I wanted to get up for supper, but couldn't. I'd hoped to be able to nap for a couple of hours, then get up and reheat the fod, but that didn't work out, either. I finally got up a bit after 4AM to take my meds after snoozing the alarm for I don't know how long. I've felt OK since then, but still a bit out of it. Since I've been out of bed, I've caught up on some stuff online, eaten, fed the pets, and worked on this. I'll probably mess around online a bit more then head back to bed for a little while. I'll be awake for a bit after an 11 hour or so nap.
I can already tell that I'll be paying for all of the fun I've had recently for awhile, but I'm so happy that I was able to do so much. Even considering how troubling it was after the Pre Fight Press Conference when I almost passed out and needed help to get up and around and home, it was a great, great, great couple of days. Being able to be apart of the UFC hoopla directly and up close and personally, meeting fighters, meeting Dana White, meeting Ariel Helwani, making new friends and just feeling the buzz in the city was such a pleasure. And except for some money spent on food, it was all free, too. I can't wait for them to come back!
Happy Monday,
-B
P.S.
For more on UFC 119, check out: http://navitabjj.blogspot.com/
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