I felt worse today than I have in a long time. I feel a little better now, but I still feel horrible. Maybe the recent activity (not a lot for most, but more than I'm used to) I've had has caught up to me. Perhaps the changing weather is a factor (different pressure, etc.)...I don't know. I slept fairly well, and long enough, so I don't think that had much to do with it.
Family was to come over for a 6PM dinner, so my plan was to get up at 4PM, take my meds, then try to get caught up on my web browsing before my sibs and their kids arrived. I took my meds, but didn't feel good, so I lay back down with the intent on getting back up whenever someone arrived or when the food was ready. My mom hollered for me, I tried to get up, but couldn't, so I lay there for a bit longer. I realized that it wasn't going to work out for me.
After a few minutes, I gathered myself enough to get dressed so I could at least say, "Hi," to everyone and see my little ones for a sec. They're becoming less and less little every time I see them. I made a quick trip around the house, saying, "Hey," and giving/getting hugs. I made it back to the kitchen and had to sit down--immediately. I was pretty much done at that point. My body was limp, but stiff at the same time--it's hard to explain, but I had little control over it. It feels a lot like getting hit in the head (minus the headache), the body just shuts down. My head slowly made its way to the table, resting on my hands. I sat there with a blank stare at the table, semi-conscious, frustrated, sad that I'd miss time with my beloved little ones. I freaked my 8 year old niece out a bit. I couldn't really talk or move, and probably looked rather zombie-ish. I surely felt it. She got up and went into the other room. My mom and sister tried to talk to me, but it was pointless. I could mostly understand, but couldn't respond. They realized this and let me be.
I eventually got to where I could stand up, but it still took me a bit to be able to make it back up the stairs to my room. I stood there, leaning against the wall, waiting for the strength to make it. I eventually did, and went back to bed. It took a few minutes to get comfortable, to be able to breathe out of my nose. It was hot from the oven's heat rising from the kitchen below me. I had to get up to adjust the fans, which I was barely able to do. It was loud below, my family eating and talking, but I didn't mind so much this time, unlike others when it's unnecessarily boisterous and annoying. Today, it was just frustrating not being able to take part.
I got up around 10PM, my brother, sister, and her 3 kids still here, my other brother and his family gone. Those who were still here were on their way out, though, but I did manage another round of hugs. They left, I ate, then it was back up here to my room. I felt a little better, caught up on some web browsing, and I IMed a little. Then I got woozier, took a break, then came back to the computer.
I didn't really get anything done today. Right now, I really don't care. I am upset that I couldn't hang out with the fam, though. I don't get to see them as much as I'd like, and I'm tired of seeing the kids inches taller in-between visits. The worst part of my situation is how little I can do for and with them. They mostly know me as the kinda-sick uncle who lives with grandma and grandpa, who doesn't do too much, but goes to the Fever games. I guess that's accurate, though, if incomplete.
I recently wrote (was it last time? the time before?) how maybe I prefer days when I can do nothing over days when I can almost do stuff because of the lack of ambiguity when it gets to that point. I've been reminded that feeling like this has no positives, that the clarity isn't worth it. I wish my doctors, those involved in the SSI process, and friend and family who don't believe or aren't quite sure how sick I am could see me when I'm like this instead of when I'm seemingly functional--how I risk falling down the stairs to make it to the bathroom, how much a zombie and I have in common. There'd be much less confusion about how serious my condition is then. I say that not looking for sympathy, but just out of truth and accuracy. Yes, it IS that bad.
I'm really not sure how I've managed to write this much. I've felt worse with each sentence. I guess being a good typist works for me. Hopefully your day was better, and may tomorrow be great for us all!
-B
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