Now I know...

***I know it's been over a year since I've posted anything on here. I do plan/hope to be more active, so let this be a start.***

January 1st/2nd, 2012

So I noticed that an attractive woman had visited my online dating profile earlier today. Of course, I checked out hers, too. She seemed really nice and sweet, so much so, that even though she has kids (a topic for another time), I decided to send her a message.

I was rather excited waiting for her to reply. You see, for whatever reason, I usually don't get a response. And that sucks. My messages are always respectful (unlike those of the many idiots who are online) and I try to make each one personal and specific to whomever I'm writing (no "form letters"). I put some effort into my messages to let the person know that I read her profile, I am interested, I say why I'm interested, and I add a little about me that would seem to mesh with what she's looking for...hopefully anyway. But I do try. So it sucks extra when I've actually put in some work to send someone a few (or, as you'd guess, knowing me and my propensity toward verbosity, more than a few) words to show my interest only to get nothing back. I would very much rather someone tell me to fuck off than to just ignore me.

But I had a good feeling that this particular person would answer me. For one, she looked at my profile first. Plus she was online at the time, so there was a decent chance she saw that I'd sent her something. Too, I suggested a couple of fixes to typos in her profile that she'd accepted. It took her a little longer than I expected, but she did finally respond. When I saw the notification email that I had a message, I was quite happy. Since she'd looked at my profile first, then accepted my edits, and then actually took time to respond to me, so I thought things were looking good...as a start, anyway.

Her message back to me was short, but nice. She thanked me for pointing out her typos, and also for what I'd written to her. So far so good. Then came the the "but." I talk about my health and living situation a fair bit in my profile, just to be clear and honest about things. If all of that is going to scare some away, then I'd rather it be from the start. And I'd referenced that stuff a little in my message to her: "Despite the craziness going on with me, I'm a good guy with a lot to offer." She said she liked my profile, but that she just wasn't "up for the unique challenges" that my situation would propose, and then she apologized.

I'm pretty sure that several people have seen my profile, then got to crap about me being sick and living at home and all that, and just decided to move on. And to be honest, I can't blame them one bit. It's a lot to deal with, I know, because I live it. There's more to me than my failing body, being broke/poor, not driving, living at home, etc., etc., but all of that trickles into everything else one way or another. C'est la vie.

When I've gotten no reply before, and it's happened quite a lot, I've said that I'd rather just get something back, anything, saying that she wasn't interested. Then I'd know for sure. I'd guess that many of my messages just go unread because there are so many idiots out there that girls are apprehensive about everything that makes it to their inboxes. So getting any response at all would let me know that there was some thought about it.

I've even specifically said that if my situation were too much, that it'd be understandable, and if someone told me exactly that, I'd understand. Having finally gotten a reply like that, well, it wasn't as satisfying as I imagined it would be, and it hurt much more than I expected. I didn't think I'd be all giggly about it--I knew it wouldn't be pleasant--but still. And she was as nice about it all as one could be, but it still hurt.

I guess now it's a real, tangible, and, most importantly, a confirmed thing, that my situation is a huge red flag. I suppose I was hoping that the many other aspects that make up me would be able to outshine the mess that is my life. Perhaps there aren't really that many things about me that are good enough to compete with the rest. Maybe I'm not worth getting to know. Maybe I shouldn't bother trying at all...

Before, it was all hypothetical. "Well, of course it'd be better to just be told that my situation sucks too much. It can't be worse than being ignored." Now, I'm not so sure. I do appreciate her taking the time to respond, and she did it in the nicest way possible. And knowing for sure that she's not interested is better than not knowing if she even read my message. But now the romantic idea of "knowing is better than not knowing" is no longer just an idea. Now I know. And it hurts much more than I could have imagined. But at least I know.