OLD MAN PUBERTY
As you age, your body changes. As a kid, you get bigger, hairier, stinkier, etc. Girls have some extra stuff to deal with. Then, once you get a bit older, things kinda level out a bit until eventually your body starts to break down. That's all normal and expected. What no one ever told me about was an old man puberty period thrown in there, too. What the hell is that all about? That's exactly my question, too.
It's been about 5 or 6 years now (wow...it started earlier than I thought), so I was 25 or 26. My nose kept itching on the inside, non-stop. I have allergy and sinus issues, so it had to be that, I assumed, but my nose wasn't running. Did I somehow get something stuck in there? Some tissue, perhaps? OMG, it can't be bugs that are bothering me, can it? Nope, my nose hair was growing. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?! I was in my mid-twenties! It'd been maybe 2 years since my body would actually put on muscle mass and not just tone from lifting weights (pre-wooziness). I'd just finally filled out a bit. You can't be serious! Luckily, it's just an internal issue, the hair isn't climbing out of my nostrils, but it is SOOOOO very annoying. And it grows back so fast.
I won some credit for laser hair removal after doing some online survey or something, and I immediately asked about zapping my nose hair. Even if the promotion only covered one treatment, it could only help. Sadly, the place doesn't do nostrils and I just let it expire. I would like to get the back of my neck done, though, because it's growing faster now, too. I'm not a very hairy guy, though hair does grow on more than just my head. I do not have a built in sweater or anything...lol...but I am a man.
And the hair thing works both ways. I've started to lose a bit on top. At first, I wondered why there were a few stray hairs under my hairline. Am I spontaneously growing hair on my forehead? What's that all about? Ah, but wait, those aren't new, they're leftover, dummy. My hairline is receding, little by little. I also got a bit of a horseshoe deal going in the front. I keep my hair short, so it's hard to see, especially when I'm out and have the visor on, but I notice it. It took me longer than usual to cut my hair last time because I was too woozy, so it grew longer than I normally let it go. Man, did I notice it then. It's not the biggest deal to me, but it's not something I expected to happen. Male pattern baldness isn't super-prevalent in my family.
So I'm losing hair on top and it's being replaced in my nose. I guess that's where it's gone. Ugh. If it starts growing in my ears, I don't know what I'll do. I'm serious. My ears are sensitive already. I don't even want to think about that. But not only is where my hair is growing/stopped growing an issue, it's also changing color. This, I expected, though. People go grey early in family. I noticed the first couple grey hairs around my temples when I was 23 or so. That was earlier than I'd thought it set in, but, no worries, I keep it short. Plus, I don't really care about the grey so much. But a couple hairs turned into couple more, and a couple more, and...you know how this goes. It's easy to see now after a week's growth. I can deal with that. But I swear sometimes I see random grey hairs on my face. I'm too young to have salt and pepper facial hair. I may just have to start shaving more often, or swallow my pride and...gulp...get some Just for Men. It hurts just to write that, oh so much more than I can express here. I try not to look too hard at hair in certain other places. I'm really not ready for grey hair there.
So there's the hair part of this old man puberty. And that's bad enough. But that's not where it ends. I smell different. My funk is funkier and comes on more quickly and lasts longer. And it's it more places. Now, I assure you that I am a clean person. I wash. Thoroughly. And daily unless I'm afraid I'm going to fall in the shower. I wear clean clothes--underwear, especially. This isn't lazy, dirty funk. This is old man puberty funk. This is instead of needing-to-start-wearing-deordorant-when-you're-11 funk, it's putting-baby-powder-on-your-body funk. It's ask-your-doctor-why-the-hell-things-that-didn't-get-so-funky-before-are-getting-funky funk. It's let-me-make-sure-I'm-clean-before-you-do-something-dirty-to-me (wow, I'm really writing this...Lord help me) potential funk. Certain areas have a different tint to them, too. I must be the same thing causing this that's responsible for this new funk. This ain't cool at all. Funk you if you think this is funny!
Oh, and I ache. And I bruise more easily. I don't know how much of it from the wear and tear of being an active kid and a contact sport athlete. If I'm in the wrong position for too long, or even the same position for too long, my back and my knees and my neck start to kill me. I have to pop my knuckles every 10 minutes or so, and not because I enjoy it. If rain's coming, or just if it's humid, I feel it--same with the cold. Something pops whenever I stand up--my knee, my elbow, my shoulder, my neck, my chest, my back. I have watch my posture when I'm seated. Did I really beat myself up this bad growing up? Am I really this fragile? I'm not quite 32 yet, what's it going to be like when I'm 60, or 50, or even 40? What about 33? Now I know why people didn't live that long back in the day. It wasn't just that medicine wasn't available, they were just sick of this shit! ;)
I expected my body to change a bit as I got older, but not this soon and not quite like this. How long does this old man puberty last, and what comes next? Adolescent puberty was long and painful and awkward enough. I haven't been comfortable with my body for that long, and now I got this new crap to deal with? And again, why wasn't I told about this? I can't be the only one. I'D BETTER NOT BE THE ONLY ONE!!!! My body already has enough weird stuff going on inside. Wait a minute, is this part of it? Nah...couldn't be.
Don't laugh at me, I'm suffering enough,
-B
P.S.
For the record, my, uh, plumbing works just fine, so no need for little blue pills. :P
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